When people ask me, "You're a good guy, why are you single?" I can't answer the question. If I knew I would be able to work on it and get someone worth while. I know I should leave the whole thing alone, but I can't help it. I don't meet many guys while I'm out.

So I'm looking through one of the sites, seeing whose one and I run across a guys profile who is cute. I start reading through his profile and get to this part at the end:

"If your a black guy or over the age of 30 do not message me. I'm not a racist cause my bestfriend is black but never have i nore will i ever do anything with a blk guy or someone over 30. If you message me i will delete it."

REALLY? Are you serious? So you are saying to me that out of all the black men in the world, you would never date ONE because of his skin color - oooh wait. You have a black best friend so it makes alright...please correct me if I'm wrong, but that logic does not make any sense to me. But sadly, that's the logic of a lot of guys here.

After taking African-American history classes in college, I can only look at comments like that and shake my head. The seeds of history are still there underneath.

In other news, I'm working at one of the local TV stations as a Production Assistant. It's been fun so far. I'm reminded of how much of a non-tech person I am. But I'm trying my best to do an amazing job.

Eh. Who to vote for? Usually I'm pretty into the political scene and ready to go to bat for who ever I believe in. But like a lot of people, I have NO clue who I'm going to vote for. For a time I was considering both Republicans and Democrats, but after a little surface research I've scratched out most of the Republican candidates. There are some issues I'm just not willing to bend on...the gay issue of course being one of them. But I want to dig a little deeper and see what they are talking about. There are so many issues to consider. Now that I'm in the working world I see how important things like the Fair Tax, Heath Insurance and Social Security are. Ugh. So much stuff to wrap your head around.

Okay, enough of this. Time for bed.

So here's the deal. I'm drowning. I've been in control for so long but I'm not. I feel like in my life right now I can't control anything. If I go right this will happen or if I go left this happen. I can't just make a move and go with it. I NEVER in a million years thought I would be one of those people who would look back to the past and want to go back. I want to. Things were tough, but not like this. So much is depending on if I fail or prevail. I would love nothing more than just to sit on my couch for a week, watch movies, drink wine and order out. I can't even afford to even order out or rent a movie. This is not what I thought life after college would be like. I didn't sign up for THIS. It was supposed to be easier. Things were supposed to fall into place. Life was supposed to be one fluid motion and work together. It's not doing that. It's fracturing and showing signs of stress on it. I don't like it. A near and dear friend said life after college is like starting high school over. I'm in my Freshman year of high school..................WHAT?!!? NOO!! So much happened between my freshman and senior year of high school that I couldn't imagine going through so much angst and pain again. I don't want to go back to that place, but it's life, everyone has to....right?

Should I even touch on the subject of love or dating someone? I feel like I have beaten that horse to DEATH. PETA is after me because I've beaten the shit out of that horse. But really, as I get older, the guys suck even more. Take for instance this one guy I was talking to. Granted I met him on the internet...I'm in the DEEP SOUTH for goodness sakes, I have to meet them SOMEWHERE!...but any who...we started talking for a week or so. We decide to meet at the end of the month. Cool. But we are talking tonight and I'm feeling a bit randy...that never happens anymore...so I decide to ask a few personal questions. How many people have you been with. He answers...the number is a bit higher than I like, but okay, he seems like a cool guy. I then say I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship which is why it's been so long for me. All of a sudden he tells me he's talking to this guy somewhere else and he probably wouldn't come to visit me because we wouldn't be having sex. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Well there's another one that bites the dust.

I'm over it.

I'm turning straight.

Being an "adult" is not easy. Growing up and dealing with things is hard.

In middle school, high school and especially college all I focused on was getting out into the real world showing it what I had. I was going to grab life by the balls and show it that I was indeed the Daddy!

But I feel as if I stalled a bit. I'm not going as fast as I thought I would. I want to take over the world NOW and sit back and relax. Life does not work like that. You have to keep moving through the obstacles put in front of you.

Right now I'm at a crossroad.

In high school I had a conversation with my friend Brian. He asked me if I really wanted to go into radio - of course I did! It's what I had dreamed of for most of my life! But every time a teacher talked about careers that would be in demand once we entered the working force, broadcasting was never mentioned. Broadcasting was a field that would continue to shrink and consolidate as the years went on. Great. But to me, that didn't matter. I wanted to be on the radio and make people laugh. Now I'm at a point where I'm doing what I love, but I'm making no money. I've know all along I wouldn't make any money starting out. You don't get into this field if you want to drive a Range Rover...this is a toyota corolla field! So when I hear of friends who are moving on to nice, cushy jobs in big cities with expense accounts and company cars, I look at my microphone and cheap headphones and wonder if it's worth it...

"thanks so much 4 the add...
u probaly get this a lot...but..i love u on da radio! :)
thats what i want to be...a radio personality!...haha..:)"

That's why I do what I do. That's why I get late notices to bills that are due. That's why I will have bad credit for years to come... Knowing that I made someone laugh because I made fun myself and Britney is worth it. My stomach aches a little because I can't afford a nice turkey sandwhich from Larry's, but I made someone's day.

So I will continue down this road of audio bliss. I will continue to make a fool of myself just to get someone to smile in their car. Do radio personalities get into heaven? I hope so...