Brett and I just had a talk about our relationship. These talks happen a lot. To me that is a good thing. We are continuing to get to know each other. I threw out there that I feel like we don't talk a lot. About social commentary on friends, pop culture, ourselves, life. I just want us to communicate more. I also said that we should do something fun once a week during the week just between the two of us. Going skating, bowling, shopping, movies, something to get us alone and doing stuff. I also want to know what's going on in his head. Brett is a very intro perspective person. I want him to be more vocal about his thoughts. I want in his head! lol He wants me to be more supportive of him while he is piecing his life back together. He went a couple of years without human contact almost. So now being pushed back into the real world. He has a list of things he wants to get done and I want to help him with that. We also hit on pot smoking and transitioning out of being single to being truly in a relationship. It's a state of mind, I feel like, that slow creeps into your brian. To be honest, my thought is not always Brett, but he's there. But we are getting to the point where that is the case. So lessons learned today: Support each other. He wants to be more fit, get his life together. I want to be more fit and focus my energy on being healthy. Communication: Just because we silence does not mean it's awkward silence. He's not use to the talking or being talked at all the time. Something to work on for both of us. Well here we are ole' thing. I'm back. I'm 24, the rules of life are different. But we will explore them together just like we have for the past 7 years. :)

Ugh. Why is it so hard for me to communicate? I was giving advice to a couple of friends who always seem to be going through some sort of emotional tiff. When they have serious discussions about their relationship and life THEY DO IT THROUGH TEXT! WHAT?! To me it's one thing communicate through e-mail, but putting every emotion, thought and feeling into a simple black and white screen just doesn't sit right with me. BUT, those who judge first shall judge ye...or...something like that. I don't believe you should text serious stuff like that, but at the same token, I can't communicate to save my life! I do it every morning for my job. I talk, I banter, I chime in with modeartly witty quikps about life. But when it comes down to the bone of communicating with someone I may like or am trying to decide what to do, NOTHING COMES OUT. I'm like a 14 year old boy trying to ask out a senior to prom. My tongue gets tied and nothing comes out. I think I'm afraid of rejection and they thought of someone taking what I say, my honest feelings, and throwing them at me makes me want to cringe. But then again, how many people do you come into contact with or that you are talking would actually do something like that? They would listen to your side, give their side and you move on. hmmmm.

In times of trouble or great sadness in my life, I have turned to this blog to let it out. This is a day I will never forget. This is a moment I will not be able to erase from my brain.

I recieved a call one hour ago from my Mother informing that my cousin, my baby cousin, the one I use to baby sit when he was a just a little child, has taken his own life. I don't understand. I can't comprehend. I can't wrap my brain around it.

This phrase will be uttered many times over the next few months..."I just saw him and he seemed fine..." I did just see him. Christmas Day. He told me he was going to come visit and stay with me on the beach. I don't understand. My family has never experienced a tragedy such as this.

I'm afraid. I'm paralyzed. I just have no words.

Lord, please keep his soul at peace and I pray that he...I pray that he what? What do you say in this situation? Keep his soul safe? Keep him protected? My mind is running wild and I need to do something. I just...

I love you Antonio Burke. You will always be my baby cousin who threw up on my arm just months after you were born. You will always be my cousin with the killer smile. You will be my little cousin with so much talent and charisma, the world was just waiting to see what you had.