Sunday, October 31, 2004

Hey hey...another week has gone by, thank you Jesus. I feel as if I have been in school FOREVER, but it's still October, well I guess I could say it's November.

I'm sitting at the radio station right now, bored. I should be doing something, but I'm just not in the mood at the moment.
This week has been an active one. Of course I wasn't able to get the newspaper to the press in time, so people will only have one day to read all of the political articles inside, but they probably wouldn't read it anyway. How do you get people who don't care to read our newspaper (http://www.sga.edu/newspaper)?! Maybe I should put two naked people inside or something, maybe then they would read. Probably not, they would just look at the pictures and put the newspaper down.

We did the Haunted House again this week. I didn't work inside scaring people like I did last year. After last week with the newspaper, I couldn't stand being in a spot for four hours straight scaring people, as fun as that sounds. I did crowd control this year. It was better than I thought. I got to talk to some of the local Douglas people who came through. I met some cool individuals, but I ran into a few assholes of course. After I finished briefing a group on the instructions for protocol inside the house, the boy at the head of the group whispered into my ear, "If I give you $10, can I call you a faggot?" WHAT THE HELL?!? I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say for a couple of seconds, after I regained my composure, I spat out something smart to him, and told his group to keep going. People are so bold these days! Ah...I wish that wouldn't have caught me so off guard, I would have had them taken out of the Haunted House. Next time I know what to do, well hopefully there won't be a next time.

I talked to the person that I was referring to in the last post, and things have been resolved. I still feel a twinge of pain when I think about what happened, but I try not to let all of those feelings permeate through out my body and ruin the moment. After a while I'll be able to have a normal friendship with them. Time is such a wonderful tool.

Oh, the General Manager of the radio station told me last week that he wants me to broadcast from a polling place on Tuesday evening. He wants me to report on air for who won there, YAY for some on air radio experience!

Caitlin and family sent me this nice Halloween basket of food in the mail. I was VERY shocked, and elated to get such a package!! I never get stuff like that...THANK YOU!!!!! - hint hint to my family!! Like they read this! HA!

Tuesday. Election Day. Oh God. PLEASE let Mr. John K. Kerry win. If Bush wins, I will be horribly upset and may have to move to Canada or London, or maybe Spain.

I'm done for now.

Good day!

Monday, October 25, 2004

I’m tired. Very tired. I’m emotionally tired, I’m physically tired, I am just tired. I hope I can make it through this entry with out falling asleep on the computer.

I don’t know what it is about South Georgia but my life has been crazy since I have been down here. This weekend was a memorable one. Here’s a quick rundown of what happened:

-Went to a surprise birthday party for Catie, but really wasn’t a surprise since Sam, Jake, and I got there late. But we got Catie some cool stuff; I hope she liked it all.
-Surprise party was VERY awkward because of certain people, and how certain people were being “together” while disregarding another people’s feelings. Make sense? Probably not, but that’s the point.
-The party went from awkward, to tense, to just painful.
-Someone made a black people comment/joke and I couldn’t take it.
-I left the party abruptly, but of course being the proper gentlemen, I said goodbye to the birthday girl.
-I ran down the stairs of the apartment crying my f-ing eyes out because I couldn’t understand how people could be so careless with other people’s feelings when someone had spilled out their guts to them and actually opened up. Still confused? I am too.
-I got in my car and just drove around crying and thinking about how I continue to get screwed over. Not just the I really don’t like you and I’ll never see you again screwed over, but the I don’t think I like you but I’m going to twist the knife around in your back screwed over. Nice isn’t it?
>After reflecting over what happened, I have come up with two ways that I can react to everything that has happened. Either 1) Never talk to this person again and be really bitter about it, or 2) Forget about it and move on. To be honest, I don’t know which path I want to take. I have never been this hurt before in my life and I don’t know how to respond to all these new feelings and emotions that have been raging around in my 19 year old body. But in all reality, I’ll probably follow the path of number 2 once I have finally calmed down from everything.
-I talked to someone from my past about what happened that night and they were really comforting. I was really happy that they were so helpful and insightful.
-I finally came back to the newspaper office around 11:30 on Saturday night and continued work on the newspaper.
-I worked on the newspaper, Jake came up and we talked for a bit while I was working on the newspaper.
-We went and met up with Brandon at the Huddle House at like 3 in the morning.
-Jake and Brandon talked about politics and I got sleepy.
-We all went back to the newspaper office and talked while I worked on the paper.
-We didn’t leave the newspaper office until 11:45 AM, and only because I had to be to work at the radio station by 12:30.
-I was awake for 32 hours. 32 hours. I thought I was going to die. I never knew how good sleep felt until I finally laid down after being awake for 32 hours.

The weekend is over, and it’s time to get back into the groove of things. I’m trying to keep my optimistic outlook on life and everything inside it, but as the weeks go by, I feel an invisible force trying to chip away at my optimistic outlook.

A lot’s going on this week, but sleep IS the number one goal in my life at the moment. I want to get as much of it as possible. Next week we vote for our future President—and that scares the hell out of me. Since I am away from home, I have an absentee ballot that I get to send in early. I’m going to put that in the mail tomorrow. I have just participated in democracy and it feels great.

Off to bed!

Good day!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

So I’ve been sitting here in the lobby of the dorms for the past 2 hours TRYING to do this assignment for History class. I don’t like the teacher I have at the moment. I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused by an assignment as I am right now. Last week when we were in class we spent 30 MINUTES, 30 MINUTES going over this assignment. Everyone was confused; no one knew what to do. Now you know if that happens then something is wrong with the assignment. Maybe it’s me, but usually if I read over the instructions a couple of times I can get it, but this is just, UGH. But yeah, I don’t want to just give up and go to bed. Then I’ll feel like my whole night was wasted and I didn’t get anything accomplished. To bad this essay/project is due Monday. I wonder if I can find my Professor’s phone number somewhere…hmmm….

Any who…tonight was the last night we performed “Wit.” We had a few mistakes here and there, but over all it was a great performance. Everyone did really well…for some reason tonight I kept wanting to smile and laugh on stage. There are some funny parts to the play, but none of them happen when I’m on stage. Weird. We had the cast party afterwards. I had WAYY too much to eat. Here’s a rundown of everything Miguel put into his mouth at the cast party: 4 pieces of pizza, 2 cupcakes, 1 piece of cake, and a cup of Diet Pepsi (and I say I want to lose weight!). So I feel rather sick at the moment.

Earlier in the day I was cleaning my room and found the information that Emerson College sent me a while back. I still wish I could go to that school. I think I’m going to apply just to see if I get accepted. I don’t know. Even if by some off the charts way they sent me an acceptance letter—I wouldn’t be able to pay for the school. $32,000 a year. HA!

Friday turned out to be a pretty good day. After the performance I went out with Catie, Samantha, and Jake. We went to Ruby Tuesday’s, drove around listening to self-deprecating music, met Pete at the fountain downtown (I sniffed his shirt several times – he smelled REALLY good), went back to the college and dropped Catie off, and I went back to my room for some silent time.

You know, I wonder where I will be this time next year. I will be here at SGC (GOD I hope not!!!), will I be at UGA doing my thang, or will I be at Georgia Southern soaking up all the alcoholic beverages that I hear flows from the streets? Who knows—I just want to make it past this semester!

Things on my mind at the moment:
1) I like sitting in the lobby at 2 something in the morning listening to John Mayer.
2) I wish I could marry John Mayer.
3) I wonder if I will be able to get the newspaper on the newsstands before the November 2nd elections.
4) Most of my Professors probably think I’m a slacker.
5) When I apply to a school, will they really look at the WHOLE picture?!
6) I like John Mayer.
7) It’s cold in the lobby.
8) I wish I had my jacket with me.
9) I really should try to figure out this essay thing for History class.
10) I have to study for my Astronomy test tomorrow.
11) I have to study for my Global Politics test tomorrow.
12) I need to start layout for the newspaper.
13) I’m voting for John Kerry.
14) Please vote NO if you’re in Georgia on the Constitutional Amendment to ban Gay marriage. You know it’s wrong!!! It’s ALREADY a law, do we really need to write discrimination into our state constitution.
15) I really enjoy eating.
16) I LOVE John Mayer and hamburgers.
17) I need to do history.

Well I’m all blogged out for the night. Till the next time…

Good day!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Thank you Alan for your concern—you know me all to well, I am stubborn as all get out. You know, it still makes me smile to think about how far back we go. Remember Crabapple? Ah…the memories. Olympics, the Mat team (YOU ALL CHEATED AT THE OLYMIPCS!!!! I don’t care what ANYONE says, Bolivia should have won 7th grade!!! YOU ALL CHEATED!!!), Ms. Robinson’s art class, Mrs. Wood’s Social Studies Class, Mrs. GWEN Smith, Mrs. POLK (did she ever come out?), Ms. Booth’s missing arm, the 8th grade dance, the Georgia Trip…wow…that was a nice brief trip down memory lane.

As the week has progressed, I’ve kind of been up and down. I just can’t believe the range of emotions I’ve been through this week. I thought I was always pretty easy going (or not), but not THIS emotional, AH! It’s so annoying to not be able to control how you feel on the inside. I’ve gone from wanting to stay in my room and cry my eyes out, to wanting to scream, to wanting to get revenge of some kind…but I refrain and try to stay busy.

The play has gone well so far. Opening night was awesome. It seemed as if the audience was totally enjoying the performance—but there were a couple of times where the audience laughed and we (the cast) scratched our heads trying to figure out what was so funny. Who knows…

So this upcoming week is going to be another busy one. A test in Global Politics and Astronomy…I’m not all THAT worried about Global Politics, but I am terrified of the Astronomy test. I just don’t get science. When I’m reading the material it makes sense, but when I try to explain myself on the test, there’s nothing there. I think I have a science block or something. Weird.

Hmmm…having an online journal that people know about has both positives and negatives. When I want everyone to know the good news, I can put it right here for the whole world to see. But when I’m having a private moment that I really want to write about, and the people/person that’s involved knows about the site, the situation can become a bit sticky in what I can and cannot write. BUT alas, I will say this…this is MY journal, MY thoughts, MY rants, ETC. If you think that you are mentioned in here and are not portrayed in a positive light, my apologizes to you. A lot of times in life I don’t say much, I sit and observe. I don’t get [stuff] off of my chest in real life, so this Blog started as my vent, and will continue to do so. With that said…FUCK YOU.

Ok, I said it, whew. I’m sorry. I had to.

Now it’s time to go study for my History Map Exam I have tomorrow…

Good day.

Monday, October 11, 2004

In all my life, I don’t think I have gone through this many emotions in such a short span of time. My heart hurts. My mind hurts. My body hurts. I hurt.

I don’t understand why I keep falling for people who aren’t available. It’s as if the God’s are laughing at me…saying, “Well, let’s see who else we can bring into Miguel’s life and turn it upside down – we shall give him a week or two of happiness, but then take it all away!”

Dear God, I don’t understand. I don’t think I’m bad person, I care for people, and I try to be as nice as I can. But lately it seems as if life keeps throwing me lemons, but I can’t turn them into lemonade. Usually I’m able to turn negatives into positives, but God, you keep sending me people who can’t be there for me. They are either confused, too far away, involved in another relationship, or just not interested. Are you trying to tell me something? Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life? Gosh, and now I feel like a whiny bitch for even feeling like this. I always tell people, “You are only 18 or 19 years old, you have the rest of your life to find someone.” But it hurts, real bad. I’m just not use to this painful nervous feeling all over my body. God, please help me.

SO…back to the drawing board. School, newspaper, Student Government, Gay-Straight Alliance that’s what I’m focused on at the moment. I’ve got goals to reach; I can’t sit around and be sad. Things have to happen. But I will say this to the person – thank you for showing me that there is someone that I could fall in love with. I know it’s so premature to say that, but I feel like I could have, and I am happy to know that there is someone out there that I could be happy with. That is all.

Good day.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

I learned a new word today – Panglossian: blindly or naively optimistic. This time last year that word described me through and through. Things have changed… in a sense, the rules of the game have changed. What rules and what games? Life. I don’t care anymore. I don’t know where this feeling came from or when it settled over me, but today, in the shower washing my hair, I had this nervous feeling – this feeling of impending doom.

For the past few weeks I have neglected most of my class work – studying for tests the night before, NOT studying for some tests and just walking in cold turkey. Not full filling obligations for clubs until the last minute, not returning phone calls—just not Miguel stuff. In the shower, after said feeling of doom, I tried to think about everything that was going on in my life to try and pin point exactly why I feel so nervous. I couldn’t find any thing that was about to happen that was making me nervous – it was EVERYTHING. I think I have seriously overloaded myself and have fallen behind. I’ve lost sight of my almighty goal of finishing school in four years with a half decent GPA and becoming really wealthy one day. I’m so overloaded that I’m just trying to make it day by day, not really thinking in the future. I’ve pretty much lost all hope of getting into UGA after this year (I’ve been told that I should be able to get in, but after this semester, I don’t know if that will be possible at all). Basically, I’ve bitten way more off than I can chew.

Taking 18 hours, being involved in just about all the clubs on campus, working, TRYING to have a social life has started to all blend together. But the academic priorities are making it to the bottom of my priority list. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in high school, taking classes that I’ve had already, reading material that probably will not help me in anyway in the future. It has all just become so monotonous. Something is going to have to change. I cannot continue to not care about class, I’ve got some motivation finding to do tonight. I need to get my old “Do it no matter what” attitude back about school. Enough bitching about that…

SO...new person on the horizon, or so I hope. GREAT personality, awesome smile, intelligent as all get out, witty, compassionate, empathetic, creative, taller than me (!), and all importantly…cute! lol I can be so vain at times, but you have to be attracted to people before you can really get to know them, and I am really attracted to this person. As of right now we are just getting to know each other and finding out about the other persons dreams, aspirations, goals, and the like. I enjoy taking this whole process slow… leisurely building an emotional connection. I think we have become good friends, and I hope that one day it might turn into something more, but for now I enjoy discovering this person’s personality and learning more about myself along the way.

For some reason I love making lists, it seems to lay out everything I’m thinking about in an easy format to go back over and scrutinize.

Short Term Goals
1) Make A’s or B’s on the next History, Astronomy, Global Politics, and Spanish 2 tests.
2) Balance my time. MORE time HAS to go to studying, doing the newspaper, getting to know ‘person,’ and everything else.
3) STOP my emotional eating! It’s just not cute anymore.
4) DO NOT PROCRASTANATE!!!!
5) I need to have like 15 minutes of quite everyday to calm myself down.

Well that’s it for now…hopefully I’ll post some more this week, until then…

Good day!

Monday, October 04, 2004

It’s already October! Where’s August? It seems as if we just started school, and here we are a week or so away from mid-terms. Wow. Time does fly by…

I have really had any time, or inspiration to write anything. The last two weeks have been nothing but hectic. The week before last I think I got a total of 6 hours of sleep the whole week…I can’t do that often or I’ll start to get all sick and nasty. Ugh…

Here’s a recap:

1) Worked on the newspaper for about a week. I stayed in the newspaper room until about 6AM some days – as I was leaving the newspaper office, the janitorial crew was coming in for the morning, not good. I missed the deadline to get the paper to the press so the paper is a week late. Considering this was my wise ideas to publish once a month, I think it was good that we got a 24 page paper out in a month, well a month a week. So hopefully I’ll be able to get the October paper out in October. Here’s to wishful thinking!
2) Went to a SAC meeting (not that SAC), it’s a meeting of all the Student Government Presidents at all the University System of Georgia school’s. We talk about all the fun stuff that no one really cares about…but the Chancellor did come and talk about the budget. We got some really bad news about the budget cuts and how tuition is probably going to be increased in January. Because of this, the Presidents from UGA and Georgia Tech have organized a state wide petition drive for all the schools in the University System. Out goal is to get 100,000 signatures and take them to the Capitol this Friday. We breakfast at the Governor’s mansion to talk with him about all of this and it was a bunch of back and forth talking in circles type thing. Nothing was accomplished so we are still doing the protest Friday.
3) I’ve come to the point in my academic career where I’m starting not to care anymore, and that scares me. I just don’t really care about these dumb ass classes we have to take! I just want to get to the good stuff where I learn about journalism and all that jazz. These core classes are boring me to death! AHHH!
4) For some reason the a/c in the dorms turned off to today so it’s REALLY hot in here. Nasty.
5) The rehearsals for Wit are awesome. I think we are going to have an awesome show.

Well that’s all that’s worth writing for the moment. I’m tired and have to get up early to distribute the dang papers around campus.

Good day!