I learned a new word today – Panglossian: blindly or naively optimistic. This time last year that word described me through and through. Things have changed… in a sense, the rules of the game have changed. What rules and what games? Life. I don’t care anymore. I don’t know where this feeling came from or when it settled over me, but today, in the shower washing my hair, I had this nervous feeling – this feeling of impending doom.
For the past few weeks I have neglected most of my class work – studying for tests the night before, NOT studying for some tests and just walking in cold turkey. Not full filling obligations for clubs until the last minute, not returning phone calls—just not Miguel stuff. In the shower, after said feeling of doom, I tried to think about everything that was going on in my life to try and pin point exactly why I feel so nervous. I couldn’t find any thing that was about to happen that was making me nervous – it was EVERYTHING. I think I have seriously overloaded myself and have fallen behind. I’ve lost sight of my almighty goal of finishing school in four years with a half decent GPA and becoming really wealthy one day. I’m so overloaded that I’m just trying to make it day by day, not really thinking in the future. I’ve pretty much lost all hope of getting into UGA after this year (I’ve been told that I should be able to get in, but after this semester, I don’t know if that will be possible at all). Basically, I’ve bitten way more off than I can chew.
Taking 18 hours, being involved in just about all the clubs on campus, working, TRYING to have a social life has started to all blend together. But the academic priorities are making it to the bottom of my priority list. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in high school, taking classes that I’ve had already, reading material that probably will not help me in anyway in the future. It has all just become so monotonous. Something is going to have to change. I cannot continue to not care about class, I’ve got some motivation finding to do tonight. I need to get my old “Do it no matter what” attitude back about school. Enough bitching about that…
SO...new person on the horizon, or so I hope. GREAT personality, awesome smile, intelligent as all get out, witty, compassionate, empathetic, creative, taller than me (!), and all importantly…cute! lol I can be so vain at times, but you have to be attracted to people before you can really get to know them, and I am really attracted to this person. As of right now we are just getting to know each other and finding out about the other persons dreams, aspirations, goals, and the like. I enjoy taking this whole process slow… leisurely building an emotional connection. I think we have become good friends, and I hope that one day it might turn into something more, but for now I enjoy discovering this person’s personality and learning more about myself along the way.
For some reason I love making lists, it seems to lay out everything I’m thinking about in an easy format to go back over and scrutinize.
Short Term Goals
1) Make A’s or B’s on the next History, Astronomy, Global Politics, and Spanish 2 tests.
2) Balance my time. MORE time HAS to go to studying, doing the newspaper, getting to know ‘person,’ and everything else.
3) STOP my emotional eating! It’s just not cute anymore.
4) DO NOT PROCRASTANATE!!!!
5) I need to have like 15 minutes of quite everyday to calm myself down.
Well that’s it for now…hopefully I’ll post some more this week, until then…
Good day!
