I’m very excited and happy. I got the job at Barnes & Noble! YAY for me. Let’s see, oh yeah. Michael and I had a big talk today. We, or I guess I should say I was really close to ending it between us. There are just a lot of barriers that Michael and I have to go through to do anything together. I decided to stay together and in August, check to see where we are, and go from there. I’ll try to write more on this at a later date, it’s just really late and I don’t feel like trying to explain everything. Oh yeah, I’ve been talking to Mike; he’s a cool person who I think I could learn a lot from. At first I thought I might be attracted to him, I got a little worried, but I think the age difference (he’s 27) will keep me away, and the fact that I’m dating Michael! Tomorrow, or I should say, today, I’m going to a play with Jon and Brian. This should be fun.

Jealousy is not a word that is often used in my vocabulary, but tonight I felt the “green eyed” monster creep up into my mind. Michael and I are talking on the phone, it’s 10:40 P.M., and he gets a call on the phone and clicks over. It takes him about three or five minutes to click over. He informs me that it’s his very “queenly” friend Eddie—who, I might add just moved in down the street. Michael has always swayed back and forth on what he thought of Eddie, sometimes he would think he was a queenly fag, sometimes a slut, sometimes a good new friend. I was always ok with this, well until he told me that Eddie moved three houses down from him. Ok, I can handle that; I’m a mature person who can express what there feeling. Yeah right. So back to tonight, he tells me that Eddie is on the phone. Michael says something to the effect of, “Sorry it’s taking so long, you know how it is when two queens get on the phone together.” I can feel something brewing up inside of me, so course, and the passive aggressive Miguel just says, “Ok.” He clicks back over, three heartbreaking minutes later; he clicks back over and asks me what his work number is. Michael doesn’t say why he wants it, but I assume it’s so he can give it to Eddie. Ok, so now I know what that burning sensation in my stomach is, jealousy. I think this is why it’s hard for me to get close to people and reveal my true, innermost thoughts and feelings. I’m easily hurt. I have low self-esteem. I don’t like the way I look, I don’t think I’m smart, I think I’m fat, I just don’t see why any one would want me for anything, so when I find someone to has the least bit of interest, I pounce, and when they show friendly feelings to someone else, I get upset. Maybe I do have some strange emotional problems from my childhood. I don’t know. I just feel so worthless right now, and to have Michael get “closer” to this Eddie kid breaks my heart. I’m starting to think more and more about Michael, and that’s dangerous for me. I know that it’s not good for me to get to attached to some one, they usually lose interest or find someone better and I’m left to fend for myself. That’s what I feel like right now. Last Friday (May 23rd, 2003) was like the pinnacle of my high school or even teenage life. And now I’m stuck in this house, with no job, no money, no car, and no idea where I’m going to college next year. I could just sit here and bitch and moan about how they fucked me over, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere either. I want to give my usual motivational speech to myself and make myself get off my ass and get applying to jobs and start figuring out this SAT crap. But you know what, I’ve been screwed, as much success as I had in high school, I was screwed even harder. DAMNIT! When I think about it more it just pisses me off. This should be the best damn summer of my life, but no, I’m going to be here worrying about school next year. If I do get in, I then have to worry about where I’m going to buy stuff for college. When is life ever going to cut me break. When am I ever going to just be happy? Is there always something to worry about? Worrying, I’m so sick of that damn word. AHHH!!!