As every day passes in my life, the empathy I feel for other people grows. The pain I feel over the hate that brews within some people just astonishes me. I do not understand it.

I just finished watching the movie ‘Soldier’s Girl.’ The movie is about a transgender man and the love affair that happens with a solider in the army. I would suggest everyone see it.

There are some people who I have spoken with who believe that transgender people are ‘disgusting.’ I have always found that remark to be outrageous. Especially if it’s coming from someone who is “different” than the norm. It just breaks my heart to hear people say such ugly things about other people. Essentially, everyone has differences – different personalities, lives, stories, backgrounds, preferences. What I just can’t comprehend is when people put down someone else’s life.

If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m going to talk about the ending now, you have been warned:
At the core of the movie is a love story. A confused, yet determined solider falls for a transgender man. They grow to love each other and make a happy life. It’s all ended when a stupid, insolent, prick, murders the solider. Basically, the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in our country is problematic. It’s 6:15 in the morning and I’m too tired to really make a deep statement. I just wanted to write and say that this movie was wonderful. I’m going to make people see this. Our country has got to change. We are killing ourselves over differences that we cannot help. If we could turn all of that negative energy into positive, we could make some great changes in the world. I just wish that people would appreciate the differences of others and let them live…

In memory:
Private First Class
Barry Winchell
1977 - 1999

Had a little breakdown. Well a mini Miguel one. I hid in the IT building computer lab and worked on stuff – that’s how the new template came about.

Good day!

Crap. Such a positive mood I’ve been able to keep the past few weeks. Now things have turned to shit in my mind. It’s time to put back on the happy cap and smile. MAKES LIFE HAPPY DAMNIT!

I think I have a tapeworm. I can’t stop eating. Had McDonalds for lunch with Jason today. You would have thought that I had never eaten in my life; I inhaled the double quarter pounder like it was my last meal. So weird.

I’m surprisingly not stressing too much over graduation coverage and finals. I thought I would be freaking out by now, but I’m pretty chill about everything. I’m hungry right now.

Several things going on in my mind, but nothing worth writing about.

This was pointless really.

Good day!

Two issues I want to address: My homophobia and my low socio-economic status.

Last night I had a friend bring another friend to the radio station last night to show him around. This is nothing unusual. People bring their friends up to the radio station all the time to show them around. Nothing impressive to see, trust me. But the guy’s friend was obviously gay, but he had on makeup and what were probably women’s clothes. His appearance was nothing you wouldn’t see in a big city or wasn’t over-the-top drag queen type. He just had on beige pants and a pink shirt. Nothing too strange. But I, Mr. Self-Righteous, made fun of him. I made really inappropriate comments with some of the other staff members about his ‘girly’ appearance and clothes. Later that night, I ended up going to dinner with him and my friend after the show. I found out that the kid is from Germany, just moved here a few years ago and now lives in a small South Georgia town. Guess what? At his high school, he gets called a ‘faggot’ on a daily biases, people yell at him and say mean, disgusting things to him every day he walks down the hall. I became one of those people. I made fun of him for his appearance before I even knew his name. While I grilled him, Oprah style, on the stuff that he goes through at his high school, I almost started to cry. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of bigotry. I am ashamed at myself for laughing at him and letting my co-workers do the same. My heart truly hearts for the daily injustice that kids like him have to go through at school each and every day.

This morning I went to sign the lease at the new apartments Kori and I will be living at next year. They had to run a credit check on my Grandmother to make sure I pay bills to live there, yada, yada. The usual stuff that goes on when you move into an apartment. I forgot to fill in on one of the forms the part where it says how much my Grandmother makes a year. When I got the information later today on the amount of money she makes, I was shocked. I made more than her last year. My mother basically made nothing last year also. I’ve always understood that I was poor, but never have I realized how little my family survives off of. I just hope and pray that I am able to pull myself up from where I came from and make enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle. I thank God everyday that he has provided me with all that I have now. It’s a wonder that I’ve been able to make it through college without having to little to nothing for anything. If it weren’t for my scholarships, I would NOT be in college. There would be no way to pay for it. The generosity of others through my life has been astounding. I wish I could hold a big party to thank each and every person that has helped me along the way. The other day I was thinking about high school and prom. My senior year for prom, without me asking or anything, several teachers got together and gave me money to pay for my tux, limo, and dinner for me and my date, who was a guy! I mean, really, they went ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty. I thank them so much from the bottom of my grease filled heart!

Off to take a quick nap.

Good day!

So life has its ups and downs, yes? But what truly amazes me are the connections you make with people. The small parts of life are what spirals me into a certain stream of thought. What the hell am I saying, everything gets me thinking!

Looking through the college social site facebook, I was browsing through pictures of friends of mine. Some of these friends go back to middle school in Georgia; some even go back to my early days of elementary school in Colorado. Surprisingly, I am friends on the facebook with the very people who made my life a living hell when I started college at SGC.

These guys who taunted me, called me names, wrote things on my door, and destroyed some of my property are now my friends on facebook. I look through their pictures hoping for some kind of indication that they are different people than what I remember. We all had just started college and were scared—well I know I was. I was looking to fit in and they were looking to fit in with each other. I mean really, putting the gay black kid as the RA on a floor with baseball players from South Georgia was a crazy decision! But you know what, I am glad it happened. It taught me how to deal with people and effectively deal with problems. Instead of abusing my power and writing the guys up as an RA or coming up with some half baked scheme to get revenge, I spoke out against homophobia in the newspaper, I started a Gay-Straight Alliance at the school. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that in life, we should never fight fire with fire. Simple, over used term, but very true. If I had done something to seek revenge or cause harm against those guys, what would they have done? Fight back with me and enter into a vicious cycle of hatred. Instead, there is a thriving Gay-Straight Alliance at SGC and for the second year in a row; a relatively open homosexual has won the popularity reward at the school. I think that's such a powerful thought. Using positive to fight the negative. It's a lesson I've heard for years from my Grandmother and other's, but I never really sat down and thought about it. A good friend of mine used a quote on his blog that has stuck with me for a while now. I believe it to be very true:

"Don't ever listen to those who tell you it can't be done. Pity them for their lack of vision; be more successful than anyone thought you could be. Then, look back on those who said it was impossible and remember: always be Recklessly Optimistic."

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This is when that feeling creeps up into my arms and finds a nice resting place on my heart. I can’t explain this overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression that washes over my body once I get home for the night. It’s like, once I’ve finished running the rat race and doing what I need to do, I come home. But what do I come home to? My computer and iPod. But then again I’m not really sure what I’m asking for. I don’t think a boyfriend would magically solve my problems and make life 100 times better. It would only complicate life. I had a talk with DS today and we were talking about my ever growing drive and passion for success and work. I need to learn how to slow down and enjoy life. Enjoy the friends, enjoy the college life, but I can’t. I feel awkward and fake when I just “hang” out. I don’t know what I’m saying. This is just the exhaustion speaking…

SO, the mail people have serious pulled a fast one on me. My mother put my rent check in the mail a week before last. Still not here. Rent was due Saturday, as of Wednesday it will be late and there will be a $75 late fee. The loan to pay for summer school has messed up and it’s making me nervous. Credit card bills, water bills, electricity, insurance, cell phone bills…it all piles up. Who ever said money doesn’t buy happy happiness obviously wasn’t a college student with debt. But, such as life. Take the bad stuff and make it good. That’s the only way to deal with life without going insane.

I don’t think many times in my life I have been lied to or have had someone I thought was close lie to other people about me. There could possibly be something in my life that could be very bad and spoil a lot. I pray that these tales are not true and that everything was a misunderstanding. I’m too old for this. I continue to have senior moments through out the day.

Kori and I started a challenge to lose weight. The loser has to buy the other tickets to see Wicked.

Went to Douglas this past weekend to get some papers in order for the move. Kori and I are moving in August to a much better place.

Tired…