So here's the deal. I'm drowning. I've been in control for so long but I'm not. I feel like in my life right now I can't control anything. If I go right this will happen or if I go left this happen. I can't just make a move and go with it. I NEVER in a million years thought I would be one of those people who would look back to the past and want to go back. I want to. Things were tough, but not like this. So much is depending on if I fail or prevail. I would love nothing more than just to sit on my couch for a week, watch movies, drink wine and order out. I can't even afford to even order out or rent a movie. This is not what I thought life after college would be like. I didn't sign up for THIS. It was supposed to be easier. Things were supposed to fall into place. Life was supposed to be one fluid motion and work together. It's not doing that. It's fracturing and showing signs of stress on it. I don't like it. A near and dear friend said life after college is like starting high school over. I'm in my Freshman year of high school..................WHAT?!!? NOO!! So much happened between my freshman and senior year of high school that I couldn't imagine going through so much angst and pain again. I don't want to go back to that place, but it's life, everyone has to....right?
Should I even touch on the subject of love or dating someone? I feel like I have beaten that horse to DEATH. PETA is after me because I've beaten the shit out of that horse. But really, as I get older, the guys suck even more. Take for instance this one guy I was talking to. Granted I met him on the internet...I'm in the DEEP SOUTH for goodness sakes, I have to meet them SOMEWHERE!...but any who...we started talking for a week or so. We decide to meet at the end of the month. Cool. But we are talking tonight and I'm feeling a bit randy...that never happens anymore...so I decide to ask a few personal questions. How many people have you been with. He answers...the number is a bit higher than I like, but okay, he seems like a cool guy. I then say I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship which is why it's been so long for me. All of a sudden he tells me he's talking to this guy somewhere else and he probably wouldn't come to visit me because we wouldn't be having sex. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Well there's another one that bites the dust.
I'm over it.
I'm turning straight.
