Well folks, this song has been sung many a times in this blog. It never gets easier. It never hurts less. It never feels right. But I will say that my heart doesn’t feel like it’s been ripped out, just slightly put into a different position. I guess Freddy was right, karma did come back to bite me in the ass. And that shit hurts.

There will be no Joseph and Miguel. We talked tonight. There was a misunderstanding on my part from an online journal post. But that provoked a talk. The distance is too much he says. I see. I don’t agree, but I see. I don’t want to sound bitter; I don’t want to sound angry. I just don’t want the pain to stay. I don’t want it to linger. I pray that when I wake, I will be normal, whole.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t allow myself to fall for people that aren’t available. I can’t. Earlier today I went back in time and read some of my first posts. Luke was the subject. I was new to this dating thing and like everything else I do in life, I jumped in head first. In a couple of week’s time I was justifying his pot smoking. After that I was justifying the fact that when ever we were together, we would have ‘intimate’ moments, and then he would leave and have stuff to do.

Last fall, there were two people who came into my life and turned it upside down. I had never felt such emotions like I did last fall. It hurt. I understood the feeling of a crushed heart. I got over it, after a long time. Not until this summer actually. And the uphill battle starts again.

Like everything in my life, I take the bad, and turn it into good. Some see it as me not dealing with issues, but I just see it as being recklessly optimist. I need to go back there. Being happy, optimistic. You know what? I don’t need someone to make me happy. I don’t. I have me. I have God. I have my friends. I have life. That’s enough to be thankful for. It’s time to turn the tides and focus on something else. Men are not the answer. They are human beings, and human’s beings make other humans beings hurt.

I haven’t lamented enough, but I’m afraid I will continue to repeat myself.

Goodnight.