I think the emotion that I am feeling right now is pure joy. Are tears close to coming? Maybe. Let me explain…
A couple of weeks ago Joseph and I said we would exchange burned cd’s with songs that explained things we felt. I sent Joseph his cd last week with a little letter. I thought it was a good cd if I say so myself. I had a little Joss Stone, some Leela James, and a whole lot of love. =) After several futile attempts I finally got his cd today. Um, WOW. He wrote a letter with the cd explaining what EACH song meant. I’m scared people. I’m falling, and I’m falling hard. I’m trying to keep my cool about the whole situation, but we all know how well I am at that. We have been talking everyday and just getting to know each other. I’m in heaven.
What else is going on? Ha. So how about I feel worthless as the A&E Editor at Georgia Southern’s student newspaper, ‘The George-Anne’. I have no clue what I’m doing half the time. I’m really going to have to sit down and come up with a plan to maximize my time when I’m up at the office. I’m always sitting in the newsroom, but I feel like I’m not being productive, just sitting there taking up space. I just have to get over my nervousness and actually do something. I’m starting to warm up so everyone and the job, hopefully after about a week I’ll be more comfortable and ready to really get some stuff done. Right now I just feel a little lost. BUT, it’s not all doom and gloom – in last week’s paper, I wrote a story about places to cool off in the heat, and it was on the front page of the Entertainment section! It’s all about the little victories.
I applied for a position with the campus radio station. I applied for Assistant Programming Director, News Reporter, and as an on air DJ. Not sure what’s going to happen though. Danielle helped me with my air-check. We shall see.
Classes are still going well – that’s because we haven’t had any tests yet. I have my first test next week in Intro to Mass Communication. It’s studyin’ time.
I’m going to Atlanta this weekend to see Joseph and to do the presentation on my Grandmother for church. Fun times ahead.
Good day!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Joseph just sent me the nicest e-mail. Who’s the fag that almost cried? Me. Yeah. Wow. Thanks Joseph.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (What an image) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little Boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (What an image) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little Boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Monday, August 22, 2005
Another birthday! It’s August 22nd and I am 20 years old. No longer a teenager, almost “grown.” I remember when I was younger I use to wonder where I would be at this age. I’m here at Georgia Southern University sitting in the living room of my apartment with Kori R. Who would have thought it? Not I.
Tonight I went over to Danielle and Lisa’s apartment to wash my unmentionables and towels. Great combo. While I was sitting over there waiting for my clothes to get clean, I read for my Video Production class and ended up talking with Danielle and Lisa. We talked about the usual – Family, school, life after college, friends, high school, and of course love. That wonderful word that has seeped into so many of my blog posts but has continued to elude me in real life. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of trying so hard to love people but not to have the love returned. Well, at the moment I can scratch the love part and put like in there. Sometimes it feels like I’m always willing to give up so much for people but it’s never returned. Of course I’m being ambiguous and writing around the subject that’s really swirling around my head. Joseph. Like many times before I have allowed someone to creep into my heart and make a cute little nest there, but only to have the nest taken away leaving a nice little hole. Only recently have I been able to cover up the nest holes left by two individuals from last fall. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to have my feelings hurt. I don’t want to be rejected, but it’s destined to happen. I know what I’m about this type is minor, but when it comes to my mind, all the little things have special meaning. I haven’t heard from Joseph this whole weekend. I know we are not exclusively together or anything, but still, it would have been nice to hear from him. I’ve called a few times and sent a text message or two. Now I feel like a bumbling fool, I’ve become THAT person again – the person who is over zealous about the budding friendship. After last year I said I wouldn’t become that person again. Gosh. But this time all the signals seem to be set for success. He was into me, I was into him. But then again I could just be totally over reacting. Who knows?
Thank you Brandy…
"Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
Youd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
Youd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you dont know what to say
And you dont know where to start"
Well enough of that. It’s my 20th birthday. 20 years ago my mother had her legs propped up and my big ass head came out. Wonderful.
Thanks Mom!
Good day.
Tonight I went over to Danielle and Lisa’s apartment to wash my unmentionables and towels. Great combo. While I was sitting over there waiting for my clothes to get clean, I read for my Video Production class and ended up talking with Danielle and Lisa. We talked about the usual – Family, school, life after college, friends, high school, and of course love. That wonderful word that has seeped into so many of my blog posts but has continued to elude me in real life. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of trying so hard to love people but not to have the love returned. Well, at the moment I can scratch the love part and put like in there. Sometimes it feels like I’m always willing to give up so much for people but it’s never returned. Of course I’m being ambiguous and writing around the subject that’s really swirling around my head. Joseph. Like many times before I have allowed someone to creep into my heart and make a cute little nest there, but only to have the nest taken away leaving a nice little hole. Only recently have I been able to cover up the nest holes left by two individuals from last fall. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to have my feelings hurt. I don’t want to be rejected, but it’s destined to happen. I know what I’m about this type is minor, but when it comes to my mind, all the little things have special meaning. I haven’t heard from Joseph this whole weekend. I know we are not exclusively together or anything, but still, it would have been nice to hear from him. I’ve called a few times and sent a text message or two. Now I feel like a bumbling fool, I’ve become THAT person again – the person who is over zealous about the budding friendship. After last year I said I wouldn’t become that person again. Gosh. But this time all the signals seem to be set for success. He was into me, I was into him. But then again I could just be totally over reacting. Who knows?
Thank you Brandy…
"Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
Youd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
Youd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you dont know what to say
And you dont know where to start"
Well enough of that. It’s my 20th birthday. 20 years ago my mother had her legs propped up and my big ass head came out. Wonderful.
Thanks Mom!
Good day.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
It’s been a while. For the past two weeks I’ve been immersed in school, moving, people, and just everything. Every time I would try to start a new blog post, something would come up and I wouldn’t get a chance to finish. So here goes…
Right now I’m sitting in the living room of the apartment I share with Kori in Statesboro. Don’t you love that? Apartment, MY apartment. With MY bedroom and MY kitchen, and MY bathroom. Love it. But then again I might not get so happy about the MY when the bills start coming in. But we won’t think about that right now. Classes started last week – I have a full load this time. I’m taking Video Production, Critical Thinking (I need to learn how to think critically), Intro to Mass Communication, Rhetoric of Social Movements, and Social Issues of Sport (ha). All of my classes are really cool. My Social Issues of Sport and Mass Comm. classes have like 50 to 60 people in them. I’m SO not use to that. I’m a little worried about Critical Thinking though…what happens if I find out I can’t think critically? I’ll be up a creek, like big time.
Being in Statesboro is refreshing. It’s small, but not too small. There’s room to breathe here. I’ve bumped into many people from high school since I’ve been here. The first night Kori and I were here, we had a little get together with Alex H., Michael R. (and his girlfriend Jennifer), Josh B. (and his girlfriend Samantha), and Zach H. If anyone else came, I don’t remember because I was so TIRED. But it was cool seeing everyone again and catching up on the past two years of life. Danielle and Lisa came over and enjoyed in the get together. By the end of the night a little party had started in our apartment. A bunch of people and alcohol and loudness….Welcome to the ‘Boro’! The first weekend here was full of drama with my family and me trying to get the rest of my crap down here from Atlanta. Eventually all of my stuff ended up down here – thanks Mother.
Can I just say that Statesboro is the hottest place I have EVER been before? What did Kori call it….the asshole of Satan? It’s THAT hot. I have NEVER sweated this much before.
Now to the part of the post that I have been trying to figure out how to write….Joseph. Joseph and I have gotten to know each other really well. We ended up hanging out that Tuesday before I left. The night before I freaked out and ended up calling Paul M. at like 3 something in the morning to figure out what we were going to do. I had a great itinerary planned: Atlanta Botanical Gardens, Joe’s on Juniper for dinner and trivia, a movie, and then a nice walk at Piedmont Park. WELL, most of this stuff didn’t happen. I was late getting off of work so that pushed the time back. We skipped the Gardens and went to Joe’s. We had a WONDERFUL time sitting there talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other’s company. We then went to a movie theatre to try and watch some scary movie – I don’t even remember the title anymore. The movie theatre we went to wasn’t showing the movie so we drove more and tried another one. By the time we got to the second movie theatre, they had already started showing the last movies for the night so we were shit out of luck. I suggested we go back downtown, get some Krispy Kreme and go to Centennial Olympic Park. Because I must have killed someone in a previous life or something, karma bit me in the ass and I couldn’t find the donut shop! I got lost downtown for a little bit. I got a little frustrated, but Joseph assured me that he was having fun just driving around downtown. Poor thing, I figured he could feel the frustration pouring from my pores. Through a stroke of pure luck I finally found the place. After we got the donuts Joseph suggested we go to Chastain Park and eat the death holes. We sat out side on a swinging bench and talked. It was wonderful. The night had come to an end so I had to take him back to his car – which I REALLY didn’t want to. We said our goodbyes and that was that. We have continued to talk since then. I’m excited, but I’m keeping my composure and just letting it “flow.”
Newspaper. I’m back at it again. I’m the Variety Editor for The George-Anne, Georgia Southern’s daily student newspaper. Everyone on staff has been super cool. Wednesday night was layout night. For my first week they just had me put together one page. Better believe that shit was fun. I haven’t layed out a newspaper page since April—even though it doesn’t feel like it was that long ago. Everyone on staff is witty and funny. I spent most of the time balled over in laughter.
Jake, Kyle, and Laura left a couple of hours ago. They came yesterday to spend some time with me and have a little early birthday celebration—my birthday is this Monday, the 22nd. Last night, Jake, Kyle, Laura, Danielle, Lisa, and I went to Applebee’s for some good eats. I had too much meat. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some cake mix and icing. Laura and Jake made me a very delicious and happy looking birthday cake. We sat up and talked and laughed. Today they all helped me decorate my bedroom and office. They look very cool!
It’s a late Saturday evening and I’m sitting here about to conk out. I’m really tired and want to sleep – I hope Joseph call’s tonight. Is that pathetic? I really would like to hear his voice…
WELL, now that I’ve shown a little piece of my insides, it’s time to get ready for bed.
Good day!
Right now I’m sitting in the living room of the apartment I share with Kori in Statesboro. Don’t you love that? Apartment, MY apartment. With MY bedroom and MY kitchen, and MY bathroom. Love it. But then again I might not get so happy about the MY when the bills start coming in. But we won’t think about that right now. Classes started last week – I have a full load this time. I’m taking Video Production, Critical Thinking (I need to learn how to think critically), Intro to Mass Communication, Rhetoric of Social Movements, and Social Issues of Sport (ha). All of my classes are really cool. My Social Issues of Sport and Mass Comm. classes have like 50 to 60 people in them. I’m SO not use to that. I’m a little worried about Critical Thinking though…what happens if I find out I can’t think critically? I’ll be up a creek, like big time.
Being in Statesboro is refreshing. It’s small, but not too small. There’s room to breathe here. I’ve bumped into many people from high school since I’ve been here. The first night Kori and I were here, we had a little get together with Alex H., Michael R. (and his girlfriend Jennifer), Josh B. (and his girlfriend Samantha), and Zach H. If anyone else came, I don’t remember because I was so TIRED. But it was cool seeing everyone again and catching up on the past two years of life. Danielle and Lisa came over and enjoyed in the get together. By the end of the night a little party had started in our apartment. A bunch of people and alcohol and loudness….Welcome to the ‘Boro’! The first weekend here was full of drama with my family and me trying to get the rest of my crap down here from Atlanta. Eventually all of my stuff ended up down here – thanks Mother.
Can I just say that Statesboro is the hottest place I have EVER been before? What did Kori call it….the asshole of Satan? It’s THAT hot. I have NEVER sweated this much before.
Now to the part of the post that I have been trying to figure out how to write….Joseph. Joseph and I have gotten to know each other really well. We ended up hanging out that Tuesday before I left. The night before I freaked out and ended up calling Paul M. at like 3 something in the morning to figure out what we were going to do. I had a great itinerary planned: Atlanta Botanical Gardens, Joe’s on Juniper for dinner and trivia, a movie, and then a nice walk at Piedmont Park. WELL, most of this stuff didn’t happen. I was late getting off of work so that pushed the time back. We skipped the Gardens and went to Joe’s. We had a WONDERFUL time sitting there talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other’s company. We then went to a movie theatre to try and watch some scary movie – I don’t even remember the title anymore. The movie theatre we went to wasn’t showing the movie so we drove more and tried another one. By the time we got to the second movie theatre, they had already started showing the last movies for the night so we were shit out of luck. I suggested we go back downtown, get some Krispy Kreme and go to Centennial Olympic Park. Because I must have killed someone in a previous life or something, karma bit me in the ass and I couldn’t find the donut shop! I got lost downtown for a little bit. I got a little frustrated, but Joseph assured me that he was having fun just driving around downtown. Poor thing, I figured he could feel the frustration pouring from my pores. Through a stroke of pure luck I finally found the place. After we got the donuts Joseph suggested we go to Chastain Park and eat the death holes. We sat out side on a swinging bench and talked. It was wonderful. The night had come to an end so I had to take him back to his car – which I REALLY didn’t want to. We said our goodbyes and that was that. We have continued to talk since then. I’m excited, but I’m keeping my composure and just letting it “flow.”
Newspaper. I’m back at it again. I’m the Variety Editor for The George-Anne, Georgia Southern’s daily student newspaper. Everyone on staff has been super cool. Wednesday night was layout night. For my first week they just had me put together one page. Better believe that shit was fun. I haven’t layed out a newspaper page since April—even though it doesn’t feel like it was that long ago. Everyone on staff is witty and funny. I spent most of the time balled over in laughter.
Jake, Kyle, and Laura left a couple of hours ago. They came yesterday to spend some time with me and have a little early birthday celebration—my birthday is this Monday, the 22nd. Last night, Jake, Kyle, Laura, Danielle, Lisa, and I went to Applebee’s for some good eats. I had too much meat. Afterwards we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some cake mix and icing. Laura and Jake made me a very delicious and happy looking birthday cake. We sat up and talked and laughed. Today they all helped me decorate my bedroom and office. They look very cool!
It’s a late Saturday evening and I’m sitting here about to conk out. I’m really tired and want to sleep – I hope Joseph call’s tonight. Is that pathetic? I really would like to hear his voice…
WELL, now that I’ve shown a little piece of my insides, it’s time to get ready for bed.
Good day!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? HA. You wish, don’t you? What am I talking about? Ha. I am in a very good mood. Even though it is 4 something in the morning. Let’s replay today…
Woke up, did the usual for a Saturday morning in Atlanta—Church. That was fun. Said goodbye to church members and what not since I am leaving Friday for Statesboro. On my way home around 1:30pm, Jarred called me and asked what were we going to do. I had no clue. We decided to meet downtown at 3:15 and hang out before my captors at Barnes & Noble wanted me to report to work. We met at the Varsity. I hadn’t seen Jarred in lonnng time. Not since last December I think. He transferred to Southern Polytechnic after last fall and hasn’t been down to SGC since. He’s lost weight, dropped the South Georgia look he had started to gain in his last days at SGC and now he looks like your normal Atlanta metro sexual. We went to the Georgia Tech Barnes & Noble. Since both of us work at a Barnes & Noble, we took great pleasure in looking at the set up of there store and what not – only people who work at bookstores can do that. It’s kind of like when yearbook people look at other schools yearbooks and critique. Weird, but fun. There music section KICKED ass! They sell computers, printers, software, and Ipods – Jarred bought an Ipod. Jealous? Yes I was, and still am. But I was happy for him. But damn! I want one! We went to the Starbucks to sip on come trendy tea and coffee and ogle at his new Ipod. We talked about Douglas gossip, how our summers were going, and where in the world we would end up after college. It was interesting to hang out with Jarred, I don’t think we ever did while in Douglas. He seems to be a bit more at peace with himself and the world now that he is in a city.
Well, after that, I had to go back down south to work. Work was fun. Adam was there and it was fun to talk with him. It’s so funny to think how far we have come as friends. We went from wanting to kill each other in middle and high school, to being good friends in college. Around 8:00pm, I looked at my phone and saw that I had a missed called from 6:11pm – it was Joseph. He left a voicemail. =) In the message he asked if I wanted to do something later after we both got off of work. Um, YES! About ten minutes after I had checked the message, he called. I couldn’t talk because I was at the cash register checking someone out. After some text messaging, we decided to meet later on that night. We closed the store at 10:00pm and ended up leaving the store at 11:00pm. (DAMN CUSTOMERS LEAVING MAGAZINES ALL OVER THE DAMN STORE) I hurriedly drove home to get ready. Finally around 1am, Joseph calls and we decide to go and grab something to eat. He felt bad that I had to drive all the way up to Roswell to hang out – I’ve did that drive for seven years so it’s not a biggie. Because it was like 2 in the morning when we finally met up, our options were limited. We went to Krystal’s, grabbed some cow grub, and went to the hooch – or better known as the Chattahoochee River. We sat by the river at some picnic tables and just talked about life, clothes, fears, friends, school, deadly birds, movies, ketchup, seasons, hot stuff, and just good conversation. We then walked along the banks of the river and ended up sitting on a picnic table near the bank and talked some more. I loved it. The wind was perfect, the temperature was hinting at fall – it was wonderful. I had a GREAT time just sitting and getting to know Joseph. Where will it all lead, not sure.
But Samantha N. just called so I have to fill her in and see where she is with HER situation.
Until next time ladies and gents…
Good day!
Woke up, did the usual for a Saturday morning in Atlanta—Church. That was fun. Said goodbye to church members and what not since I am leaving Friday for Statesboro. On my way home around 1:30pm, Jarred called me and asked what were we going to do. I had no clue. We decided to meet downtown at 3:15 and hang out before my captors at Barnes & Noble wanted me to report to work. We met at the Varsity. I hadn’t seen Jarred in lonnng time. Not since last December I think. He transferred to Southern Polytechnic after last fall and hasn’t been down to SGC since. He’s lost weight, dropped the South Georgia look he had started to gain in his last days at SGC and now he looks like your normal Atlanta metro sexual. We went to the Georgia Tech Barnes & Noble. Since both of us work at a Barnes & Noble, we took great pleasure in looking at the set up of there store and what not – only people who work at bookstores can do that. It’s kind of like when yearbook people look at other schools yearbooks and critique. Weird, but fun. There music section KICKED ass! They sell computers, printers, software, and Ipods – Jarred bought an Ipod. Jealous? Yes I was, and still am. But I was happy for him. But damn! I want one! We went to the Starbucks to sip on come trendy tea and coffee and ogle at his new Ipod. We talked about Douglas gossip, how our summers were going, and where in the world we would end up after college. It was interesting to hang out with Jarred, I don’t think we ever did while in Douglas. He seems to be a bit more at peace with himself and the world now that he is in a city.
Well, after that, I had to go back down south to work. Work was fun. Adam was there and it was fun to talk with him. It’s so funny to think how far we have come as friends. We went from wanting to kill each other in middle and high school, to being good friends in college. Around 8:00pm, I looked at my phone and saw that I had a missed called from 6:11pm – it was Joseph. He left a voicemail. =) In the message he asked if I wanted to do something later after we both got off of work. Um, YES! About ten minutes after I had checked the message, he called. I couldn’t talk because I was at the cash register checking someone out. After some text messaging, we decided to meet later on that night. We closed the store at 10:00pm and ended up leaving the store at 11:00pm. (DAMN CUSTOMERS LEAVING MAGAZINES ALL OVER THE DAMN STORE) I hurriedly drove home to get ready. Finally around 1am, Joseph calls and we decide to go and grab something to eat. He felt bad that I had to drive all the way up to Roswell to hang out – I’ve did that drive for seven years so it’s not a biggie. Because it was like 2 in the morning when we finally met up, our options were limited. We went to Krystal’s, grabbed some cow grub, and went to the hooch – or better known as the Chattahoochee River. We sat by the river at some picnic tables and just talked about life, clothes, fears, friends, school, deadly birds, movies, ketchup, seasons, hot stuff, and just good conversation. We then walked along the banks of the river and ended up sitting on a picnic table near the bank and talked some more. I loved it. The wind was perfect, the temperature was hinting at fall – it was wonderful. I had a GREAT time just sitting and getting to know Joseph. Where will it all lead, not sure.
But Samantha N. just called so I have to fill her in and see where she is with HER situation.
Until next time ladies and gents…
Good day!
Saturday, August 06, 2005
I’m afraid. That’s what it is. That’s why I do the things I do. I’m afraid of people not liking me. I’m afraid of not being liked. I’m afraid of the day when someone will come up to me and say, “You are worthless, you shouldn’t be living, why are you still breathing?” I’m terribly afraid of rejection. That’s why I don’t call, that’s why I don’t say what I’m really thinking. I cause my self so much stress that it’s pathetic. Half the time I could actually be living a fun sociable life, but I continue to hide away from the rest of the world by sitting on this damn laptop. Now I love my Sebastian, it was hard giving birth to him, but I spend so much time on him that sometimes I wonder if it hinders me in the real world. What am I getting at? Not sure yet. This is what I do. I beat around the bush before I actually get to what I need to say. Or as Samantha N. say’s, I’m lighting the mood by cracking a joke…I guess. This is what’s on my mind and has been on my mind for a long time.
Friendships
For some reason I feel like I can’t get close to people. But I really don’t know what else it takes to be really close to people. I had lunch with Stephanie Tuesday, lunch and Ikea with Caitlin Wednesday, and lunch and coffee (well I had water) with Jessica on Thursday. I consider all three of these people to be great friends of mine. Very close friends, but I feel like I’m still guarded to them. What am I trying to say? I guess, when I think of friends, I think of (I know Jake, here comes after reference to TV and my life) the peeps off of Dawson’s Creek. They called each other, they hung out, and they shared in each other’s daily life. Joey would climb into Dawson’s room at any time of the day and they would just hang. I feel like a lot of my friendships are, I don’t know what the word, sparse maybe? I see them maybe once a year and that’s it. But when I’m talking with them or catching up online, they’ve been hanging out with this and that person. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t like being able to see people only one time a year. Maybe it’s because they all live in Roswell and I live down here Fairburn, but it sucks. Like being invited to someone’s house on a whim for dinner, or being called to go play trivia, or going out to the movies, these are wonderful memories that I don’t have (well I have a few), and that is something that I regret not being able to partake in. I would love to get a call from someone in the middle of the day saying, “hey, let’s go meet and hang out at starbucks.” I feel like whenever I have to meet up with people, it’s this big ordeal where we have to plan and organize. I guess I’m just ready for my life to not be so structured. A lot of this is my fault. It’s not like I call people and say, “hey, let’s do this.” I still have a problem doing that because I feel like I will be rejected! I mean honestly, I have been friends with Caitlin and Jessica since middle school, I basically spent an entire year at Ryan’s and Jon’s house, why in the hell can’t I just pick up the phone and say, “hey, let’s go do this?” I guess what really hit me hard was last New Year’s (I know, I keep stuff in for a long time). I was sitting at home, probably writing a blog about something SGC when I get a call from a high school friend at a New Year’s party. They ask me a mundane question which I answer, and then say, “Well, everyone here says HI, we hope you have a great New Years!” After I said goodbye, I hung up, and just looked around flabbergasted. I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t I invited?” It stung a bit, but I quickly recovered. I know whoever hosted the party didn’t purposefully go, “Let’s not invite that Miguel!” But I probably just was over looked, and I think it’s because I don’t regularly talk with my “friends.” I guess this is just a fear of being forgotten. But you know what sucks even more? When I was in Douglas, I didn’t partake in this friendship fun (ha, friendship fun), well I did occasionally, but my arm had to be twisted to do anything. There are so many times when Jake, Samantha B., Catie, or Kyle would invite me somewhere or call me (like friends do) and I wouldn’t go. I would just sit in my office or room and brood.
Relationships
Ha. I’ve sang this song far too many times. I’m even tried of hearing about it. I don’t really know what or how I feel about this. There are times when I feel like I have met my soul mate, and then there are times when I think I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have all this love inside, I just want to give it to someone and make them happy, and so I can be happy. But, I think my mind is working on a dangerous notion. I think somewhere in the back of my head, I have convinced myself that once I meet my soul mate, all my problems will fade away. All my self-loathing, all of my body issues will just fade away. That’s not the case, life is not that easy. Problems just don’t fade away like that; they have to be worked at like anything else until they are gone. I place myself on the path for hurt when I meet people online. I’ve been talking to Karim from Gibraltar (Go Google it, it’s a big rock!) and I’m SO going to go sometime and visit. Don’t know how or when, but I will. I like Joseph. I think I let him know that last night, over the internet. How chicken pussy is that? I wanted to tell him in person or something, but of course because of my morbid fear of rejection, I did it through the internet to protect myself. Who knows what happens now. I leave next Friday for Statesboro (YAY FOR NEW APARTMENT WITH KORI AND YAY FOR NEW SCHOOL), and he goes to Georgia Tech so he will be here in Atlanta. This truly does suck.
Alright, well, like always, I had more to write, but my fingers are tired of banging at the keyboard so I’ll give it a rest for now.
Good day.
Friendships
For some reason I feel like I can’t get close to people. But I really don’t know what else it takes to be really close to people. I had lunch with Stephanie Tuesday, lunch and Ikea with Caitlin Wednesday, and lunch and coffee (well I had water) with Jessica on Thursday. I consider all three of these people to be great friends of mine. Very close friends, but I feel like I’m still guarded to them. What am I trying to say? I guess, when I think of friends, I think of (I know Jake, here comes after reference to TV and my life) the peeps off of Dawson’s Creek. They called each other, they hung out, and they shared in each other’s daily life. Joey would climb into Dawson’s room at any time of the day and they would just hang. I feel like a lot of my friendships are, I don’t know what the word, sparse maybe? I see them maybe once a year and that’s it. But when I’m talking with them or catching up online, they’ve been hanging out with this and that person. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t like being able to see people only one time a year. Maybe it’s because they all live in Roswell and I live down here Fairburn, but it sucks. Like being invited to someone’s house on a whim for dinner, or being called to go play trivia, or going out to the movies, these are wonderful memories that I don’t have (well I have a few), and that is something that I regret not being able to partake in. I would love to get a call from someone in the middle of the day saying, “hey, let’s go meet and hang out at starbucks.” I feel like whenever I have to meet up with people, it’s this big ordeal where we have to plan and organize. I guess I’m just ready for my life to not be so structured. A lot of this is my fault. It’s not like I call people and say, “hey, let’s do this.” I still have a problem doing that because I feel like I will be rejected! I mean honestly, I have been friends with Caitlin and Jessica since middle school, I basically spent an entire year at Ryan’s and Jon’s house, why in the hell can’t I just pick up the phone and say, “hey, let’s go do this?” I guess what really hit me hard was last New Year’s (I know, I keep stuff in for a long time). I was sitting at home, probably writing a blog about something SGC when I get a call from a high school friend at a New Year’s party. They ask me a mundane question which I answer, and then say, “Well, everyone here says HI, we hope you have a great New Years!” After I said goodbye, I hung up, and just looked around flabbergasted. I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t I invited?” It stung a bit, but I quickly recovered. I know whoever hosted the party didn’t purposefully go, “Let’s not invite that Miguel!” But I probably just was over looked, and I think it’s because I don’t regularly talk with my “friends.” I guess this is just a fear of being forgotten. But you know what sucks even more? When I was in Douglas, I didn’t partake in this friendship fun (ha, friendship fun), well I did occasionally, but my arm had to be twisted to do anything. There are so many times when Jake, Samantha B., Catie, or Kyle would invite me somewhere or call me (like friends do) and I wouldn’t go. I would just sit in my office or room and brood.
Relationships
Ha. I’ve sang this song far too many times. I’m even tried of hearing about it. I don’t really know what or how I feel about this. There are times when I feel like I have met my soul mate, and then there are times when I think I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have all this love inside, I just want to give it to someone and make them happy, and so I can be happy. But, I think my mind is working on a dangerous notion. I think somewhere in the back of my head, I have convinced myself that once I meet my soul mate, all my problems will fade away. All my self-loathing, all of my body issues will just fade away. That’s not the case, life is not that easy. Problems just don’t fade away like that; they have to be worked at like anything else until they are gone. I place myself on the path for hurt when I meet people online. I’ve been talking to Karim from Gibraltar (Go Google it, it’s a big rock!) and I’m SO going to go sometime and visit. Don’t know how or when, but I will. I like Joseph. I think I let him know that last night, over the internet. How chicken pussy is that? I wanted to tell him in person or something, but of course because of my morbid fear of rejection, I did it through the internet to protect myself. Who knows what happens now. I leave next Friday for Statesboro (YAY FOR NEW APARTMENT WITH KORI AND YAY FOR NEW SCHOOL), and he goes to Georgia Tech so he will be here in Atlanta. This truly does suck.
Alright, well, like always, I had more to write, but my fingers are tired of banging at the keyboard so I’ll give it a rest for now.
Good day.
Monday, August 01, 2005
A bunch of bullshit, that’s what it is. I know what I’m talking about, really. Eh. It’s all inside my head. In there, afraid to come out, afraid of what [they] will say. Why? Not sure. Well I am, just don’t want to admit it. Sigh.
Jamie Cullum rocks.
I make my self laugh, and not in the good way. It’s funny that I’m up this early in the morning. Why? I’ll never tell.
Finally time to get some sleep – well really, sit and look, think, wish, think, hope, dream, and then maybe sleep will come.
My heart hurts.
Good day.
Jamie Cullum rocks.
I make my self laugh, and not in the good way. It’s funny that I’m up this early in the morning. Why? I’ll never tell.
Finally time to get some sleep – well really, sit and look, think, wish, think, hope, dream, and then maybe sleep will come.
My heart hurts.
Good day.