I’m afraid. That’s what it is. That’s why I do the things I do. I’m afraid of people not liking me. I’m afraid of not being liked. I’m afraid of the day when someone will come up to me and say, “You are worthless, you shouldn’t be living, why are you still breathing?” I’m terribly afraid of rejection. That’s why I don’t call, that’s why I don’t say what I’m really thinking. I cause my self so much stress that it’s pathetic. Half the time I could actually be living a fun sociable life, but I continue to hide away from the rest of the world by sitting on this damn laptop. Now I love my Sebastian, it was hard giving birth to him, but I spend so much time on him that sometimes I wonder if it hinders me in the real world. What am I getting at? Not sure yet. This is what I do. I beat around the bush before I actually get to what I need to say. Or as Samantha N. say’s, I’m lighting the mood by cracking a joke…I guess. This is what’s on my mind and has been on my mind for a long time.

Friendships
For some reason I feel like I can’t get close to people. But I really don’t know what else it takes to be really close to people. I had lunch with Stephanie Tuesday, lunch and Ikea with Caitlin Wednesday, and lunch and coffee (well I had water) with Jessica on Thursday. I consider all three of these people to be great friends of mine. Very close friends, but I feel like I’m still guarded to them. What am I trying to say? I guess, when I think of friends, I think of (I know Jake, here comes after reference to TV and my life) the peeps off of Dawson’s Creek. They called each other, they hung out, and they shared in each other’s daily life. Joey would climb into Dawson’s room at any time of the day and they would just hang. I feel like a lot of my friendships are, I don’t know what the word, sparse maybe? I see them maybe once a year and that’s it. But when I’m talking with them or catching up online, they’ve been hanging out with this and that person. I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t like being able to see people only one time a year. Maybe it’s because they all live in Roswell and I live down here Fairburn, but it sucks. Like being invited to someone’s house on a whim for dinner, or being called to go play trivia, or going out to the movies, these are wonderful memories that I don’t have (well I have a few), and that is something that I regret not being able to partake in. I would love to get a call from someone in the middle of the day saying, “hey, let’s go meet and hang out at starbucks.” I feel like whenever I have to meet up with people, it’s this big ordeal where we have to plan and organize. I guess I’m just ready for my life to not be so structured. A lot of this is my fault. It’s not like I call people and say, “hey, let’s do this.” I still have a problem doing that because I feel like I will be rejected! I mean honestly, I have been friends with Caitlin and Jessica since middle school, I basically spent an entire year at Ryan’s and Jon’s house, why in the hell can’t I just pick up the phone and say, “hey, let’s go do this?” I guess what really hit me hard was last New Year’s (I know, I keep stuff in for a long time). I was sitting at home, probably writing a blog about something SGC when I get a call from a high school friend at a New Year’s party. They ask me a mundane question which I answer, and then say, “Well, everyone here says HI, we hope you have a great New Years!” After I said goodbye, I hung up, and just looked around flabbergasted. I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t I invited?” It stung a bit, but I quickly recovered. I know whoever hosted the party didn’t purposefully go, “Let’s not invite that Miguel!” But I probably just was over looked, and I think it’s because I don’t regularly talk with my “friends.” I guess this is just a fear of being forgotten. But you know what sucks even more? When I was in Douglas, I didn’t partake in this friendship fun (ha, friendship fun), well I did occasionally, but my arm had to be twisted to do anything. There are so many times when Jake, Samantha B., Catie, or Kyle would invite me somewhere or call me (like friends do) and I wouldn’t go. I would just sit in my office or room and brood.

Relationships
Ha. I’ve sang this song far too many times. I’m even tried of hearing about it. I don’t really know what or how I feel about this. There are times when I feel like I have met my soul mate, and then there are times when I think I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have all this love inside, I just want to give it to someone and make them happy, and so I can be happy. But, I think my mind is working on a dangerous notion. I think somewhere in the back of my head, I have convinced myself that once I meet my soul mate, all my problems will fade away. All my self-loathing, all of my body issues will just fade away. That’s not the case, life is not that easy. Problems just don’t fade away like that; they have to be worked at like anything else until they are gone. I place myself on the path for hurt when I meet people online. I’ve been talking to Karim from Gibraltar (Go Google it, it’s a big rock!) and I’m SO going to go sometime and visit. Don’t know how or when, but I will. I like Joseph. I think I let him know that last night, over the internet. How chicken pussy is that? I wanted to tell him in person or something, but of course because of my morbid fear of rejection, I did it through the internet to protect myself. Who knows what happens now. I leave next Friday for Statesboro (YAY FOR NEW APARTMENT WITH KORI AND YAY FOR NEW SCHOOL), and he goes to Georgia Tech so he will be here in Atlanta. This truly does suck.

Alright, well, like always, I had more to write, but my fingers are tired of banging at the keyboard so I’ll give it a rest for now.

Good day.