Well, I feel like absolute shit right now. Why? I don’t know. It just happens when your manic depressive like I am. The smallest things (what the hell is things?) will set me off, but I don’t even know what the things are, so I can’t tell why I feel like shit. Maybe some of the shit feeling comes from working 12 hours today, on the 4th of July. How fun. Oh, by the way, Happy 4th of July Miguel. You know, I think I’m an anti-social person. For some reason I just don’t like the thought of being around a lot of people, but when I am, I’m fine, but the thought of being around people scares me.

Take this past weekend for example. Jake and Samantha planned this Pre-4th of July celebration in Douglas. I really wanted to go, but then I remembered they invited a lot of people, so somewhere inside my screwed up head, I sabotaged it and decided not to go. But then again I really wouldn’t have been able to go because I have NO money. It REALLY sucks having no money when living in a big city. Really.

Recently I have been telling myself that it would be cool to live in Atlanta after I finish school. But I don’t think I want to. Whenever I come to this place, this depressive mood descends upon my body and is always bubbling at the back of my head waiting to flow out of my nose and mouth. Huh? Not sure.

I read a really good book this past week. “Comfort and Joy” by Jim Grimsley. Awesome book. The story involves the very handsome, intelligent, Dr. Ford McKinney, and the meek but thoughtful hospital “paper pusher” administrator Dan Crell. The two have been in a loving, but distant relationship for the past two years. Ford comes from old Savannah money. His parents expect him to marry a nice Savannah girl with a good family name and settle down to take over the family practice. Dan comes from a down trodden back woods North Carolina family. Neither man’s parents like their gay relationship, but are dealing with it, until Ford and Dan want to visit their respective families for the holidays. The story is well written, and is loaded with powerful scenes and even better language. The book delightfully moves back and forth from the past to the present, giving details on each guy’s upbringing, and telling the back story of how the two met and fell in love. I loved it. I wish I were still reading it. The author, Jim Grimsley, teaches at Emory. I’m so going to write him an e-mail and beg him to write a follow-up to the book. After reading the book, it left me with this longing, a longing for someone. The book delved into how Ford and Dan needed each other and couldn’t stand being away from each other. But it wasn’t a sappy kind of longing to be around someone, it was a bare, raw feeling that led them to each other. Once again, like many times I have posted on my blog, (I have to write it down just to get it off my chest) I wonder if I will truly find the “one”. I feel like such a boob for typing that statement. If a friend came to me and told me that they were worried that they wouldn’t find anyone, I would simply point out that they were 19, 20 or whatever, and that they have plenty of time to find that special someone. But that’s not enough anymore. Just to tell myself that “one day he will come along” just is not easing the tension. Maybe it’s because I have too much free thinking time during the summer to sit and analyze my horrid thoughts, but I have been so negative since I’ve been home. I don’t know if this is weird, but right now, I really miss my dorm room at SGC. The privacy, the way I could just close my door and feel like I was shut off from the rest of the world is such a distant memory now. But then again, I don’t miss the nasty bathrooms, and the sex that went on in the rooms beside me.

Recently I have hung out with some old friends from high school. Allison and Stephanie, two of my older surrogate sisters. They have both just finished school – Allison from Elon University, and Stephanie from Rice University. I have always looked up to these two, even in high school. They always held themselves up with great dignity, I am so happy to follow in their footsteps. We had a delicious Italian dinner at Johnny Crinos (sp?) – we caught up on old times and updated on other people from high school, and then we ended up at Barnes & Noble café for dessert. The night was too young, so we went for a movie. We saw the not so funny Bewitched. It was a fun night; I hope we get to do it again.

I can’t spell.

Good day!

Things I’m looking forward to:
1) Visiting Douglas sometime soon to see everyone before school starts up.
2) Going to the big apple on the 19th of this month and finally meeting Freddy.
3) Getting paid.
4) Eating.
5) Losing weight and whipping Kyle’s ass.
6) The season premiere of Big Brother 6! YAY for host Julie Chen, just gotta to love her!
7) Reading more gay books this summer.
8) Trying somehow to “find” myself – am I EVER going to be done doing that? They didn’t on Dawson’s Creek, DAMN.
9) Redesigning my blog WIHTOUT any gray in it.
10) Turning 20 in August.
11) Starting a new school in the fall.
12) Becoming less passive aggressive somehow.

I’m spent.