Digging Deep

Lot’s of bottled up energy I have right now. Not sure what to do with it. I’m at home and feeling down. Not sure why. Maybe it’s the cold weather? No, it’s just the circumstances of life right now. Even though I bitch about being busy when I’m in school, I miss it. I hate just going to work, coming home and having nothing to do. I feel so worthless. I’ve gotten a few things done since I’ve been home. I still need to start applications for several radio/TV stations for interning opportunities this summer. I would really like to intern at the KISSFM station in Savannah. We shall see how that goes.

What’s getting my goat? What’s getting me down? Eh. I think I know what it is, but I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to write it for the entire world to see. This is why I need school stuff in my life, makes me forget about that stupid thing called emotions—it’s so glib (thanks Tom Cruise). These are the ramblings of a person beating around the bush. Hmmm…should I be honest with myself? Back in the old days of this blog, when it used to be called “The Weird Workings of Miguel,” I wrote about everything. I even had someone tell me that when they read the old posts and compared them to the current ones, it’s obvious that I shy away from personal stuff in the current entries…Time for a Dr. Phil moment. Fuck that, I need Oprah.

Alright, so here’s the deal. My whole proclamation about not dating online and what not was going well—as well as a two week old proclamation can be. Then I got home and realized that the loneliness has not gone away. Several things have happened, nothing major though, that have got my little mind thinking. I love Jamie Cullum! His new album “Catching Tales”—um, bad attempt to change the subject. Um, ok. UGH…I don’t know why I’m doing this shit. In some twisted way this will help me. F that. Okay…I hung out with J yesterday. Yes. I did. No biggie, right? Well, he looked wonderful—even more so from what I remember. We met at Starbucks on Roswell Rd. before going to see “King Kong.” Sitting across from him in that Starbucks and cutting one liners and just going back and forth with him reminded me of why I liked him so much. Why he made me so happy, why I was willing to do anything for him. A mound of the feelings and emotions that I thought had been erased from my body started to seep back in as the night wore on. The electricity that I felt between us whenever we hung out this summer and early fall felt strong, but different…it was all imagined though. That’s the worst part of this, thinking you have the entire situation under control but then—forget that, I wasn’t even thinking about what had transpired this fall, in my head, at the time, I was just going to hang out with a friend. As we were talking and my eyes probed his, I took in his presence and essence; suddenly, a montage of this fall, with emotions and visual stills, came flooding in. Where’s the on and off switch to our brains? I think mine malfunctioned a while back. Ok, so all that wasn’t the worst part of the situation: The fact that I’m actually writing a post and have been thinking about all that is the worst part. He has moved on, gone to the next book and still I sit here thinking about the ‘What ifs.’ A mess. Ugh. I’m starting to sicken myself with this crap. And Victor, what to do about him? I do not know. He wants me to come and visit, that would be a great trip, but I have no money. Like, I’m probably going to lose 20 pounds next week because I don’t have any money. But that’s a plus, right?

On the schedule this weekend:
-Seeing ‘Brokeback Mountain’ with J today. This is a maybe though, family obligations might force me to see it by myself. Wow. If I go into that theater by myself to see this film, I will probably end up crying my eyes out in the corner. Just looking at the trailers made me reach for the Kleenex.

-Visiting RHS to hang out with Mr. Scott and watch the auditions for WRHS The Hive’s Schoolhouse Rock. This is a battle of the bands show started my senior year when I was Station Manager—sadly, I can not take full credit or any credit, Talia planned the whole thing. So kudos to her, a tradition we started that’s still alive.

-Meeting J*Magic and Jamie Lynn to discuss the Morning Show for next semester. We still have a few wrinkles to iron out. Actually, a lot. Oh yeah, I forgot, it’s not going to be a morning show. The marketing class that did research for the station found out that the majority of the listeners we have listen at night, so Steven (Program Dir) and J*Magic came up with the idea of moving the show to nights. So, every night, Monday through Friday from 7 p.m. until 11 p.m., our untitled show will be on 91.9 The Buzz. Supposedly, after each show, someone will edit the show down to a ‘Best Of’ type thing and it will air the next morning during the hours our live morning show would have been. I’m still super excited. I’m just interested to see how this works. I wonder if we will get more callers. Will more people hear us? But yeah, the three of us are meeting at Starbucks to talk about the show.

-Adam is going to visit Sunday. He’s working at the Rome B&N now. I talked to him today and he said it was awesome. I wonder if I transfer to the Savannah B&N will I have a smooth transition like he did.

-I need to call Jessica and Jenifer. I’m going to see if I can have dinner with Ben and Jenifer Sunday night, and have breakfast with Jessica Monday.

That’s my weekend. Nothing too crazy. HA! When do I ever do something really crazy? I’m actually doing something crazy right now…staying up this late. Um, yeah.

Time for bed.

Good day!