This job of morning radio can be grueling. I don't think unless you wake up at 4am every day can someone truly understand how it wrecks your body. It's easy to lose focus on why I do what I do. I dreamed and worked so hard to do morning radio and sometimes I completely forget why.

Here's a great e-mail I recevived from a listener that reminds me why I love my job:

from m@BLANK.com to miguel@island106.com date Tue, Feb 15, 2011 at 8:26 AM subject Thanks!!

Hi, Miguel!

I have been intending to email you for a while and am just now getting around to it. I was listening a while back when they were replaying older segments. They happened to play the "If you really knew me you'd know..." and you were talking about your struggles with weight. I listened to this and cried all the way to work, my heart really went out to you.

As the day went on I thought more and more about what you had said and how I really felt the same way. I am always the "funny one" or I hear "but your face is so pretty" and God knows living here I am not nearly as comfortable in swimsuits and shorts as I should be to participate or even enjoy things in the summer time with my friends. I realized how completely tired of feeling that way I really was and that I needed to take control and change things! I am a single parent and I need to be 100% healthy and happy and convey these things to my daughter so that she will grow up to be healthy and happy with herself as well.

I went January 3rd and joined Resolutions Weight Loss in town and renewed my rarely utilized membership at Golds Gym. I have since taken my diet and exercise very seriously and had very few "cheats" or lazy days where I was not in the gym or active. I have lost 22 pounds now and I have to you thank for that! I have a long way to go but I feel so much better already! Thank you so much for being so open, honest and all around FABULOUS!

Best Regards,
Memory

Lord! It's been a coon's age since I've written in this old thing. I feel like the Mundane Misgivings of Miguel is like a old beat up journal. You only think about it in time of great need or boredom. I was having dinner with friends tonight and someone remembered I had a blog! After I finish writing I think I'll take a stroll through memory lane and read some of my posts from high school and college. That Miguel was such a different person than who I am today.

When I started this blog I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. I'm now 25 and four years removed from college. WOW!

I find it harder to write in my blog now. When I was in college I would just type whatever came into my mind. But now, as an adult, the rules have changed. You can't just type exactly what's in your mind because God forbid you offend someone.

EEEK! Now I'm just rambling. Let's just do a quick run down of where I am in life:

-I'm approaching the 3 year mark of co-hosting a radio morning show in Panama City Beach. Never in a million years would I think I would live here. The time I've spent here has been amazing. I've met so many life long friends and discovered so much about myself I wouldn't change my time here for anything.

-I'm living with my boyfriend Brett (almost celebrating a year together!), my co-host on the morning show Holly and her husband Christopher. It's a lot of people in one little ole' house!

-Since my early days of college I have become a bit of social butterfly. I went from never wanting to go out and meet new people to going out all the time. I've been endorsing a gay bar here in PC for almost two years now. I talk about it on the radio and a lot and host the drag shows. That has been so fun to me. It's like putting on a mini-comedy show...well when I'm sober enough to put words together. EEEK!

-My weight loss journey continues. I lose it. I gain it. I lose it. I gain it. I'm sitting a pretty substantial weight right now. I'm so ready to shed the pounds. Next week I start endorsing a local Gold's Gym here. I'll see a personal trainer 3 times a week. I can't wait to start this journey.

Well that's all I can really chew off right now about what's going on. There's always so much to talk about, but I have a movie in the DVD player I want to get to and my eyelids are getting heavy. I'm telling myself I want to spend more time here on this space to articulate more of how I am feeling and thinking this year. Let's hope it happens!

Brett and I just had a talk about our relationship. These talks happen a lot. To me that is a good thing. We are continuing to get to know each other. I threw out there that I feel like we don't talk a lot. About social commentary on friends, pop culture, ourselves, life. I just want us to communicate more. I also said that we should do something fun once a week during the week just between the two of us. Going skating, bowling, shopping, movies, something to get us alone and doing stuff. I also want to know what's going on in his head. Brett is a very intro perspective person. I want him to be more vocal about his thoughts. I want in his head! lol He wants me to be more supportive of him while he is piecing his life back together. He went a couple of years without human contact almost. So now being pushed back into the real world. He has a list of things he wants to get done and I want to help him with that. We also hit on pot smoking and transitioning out of being single to being truly in a relationship. It's a state of mind, I feel like, that slow creeps into your brian. To be honest, my thought is not always Brett, but he's there. But we are getting to the point where that is the case. So lessons learned today: Support each other. He wants to be more fit, get his life together. I want to be more fit and focus my energy on being healthy. Communication: Just because we silence does not mean it's awkward silence. He's not use to the talking or being talked at all the time. Something to work on for both of us. Well here we are ole' thing. I'm back. I'm 24, the rules of life are different. But we will explore them together just like we have for the past 7 years. :)

Ugh. Why is it so hard for me to communicate? I was giving advice to a couple of friends who always seem to be going through some sort of emotional tiff. When they have serious discussions about their relationship and life THEY DO IT THROUGH TEXT! WHAT?! To me it's one thing communicate through e-mail, but putting every emotion, thought and feeling into a simple black and white screen just doesn't sit right with me. BUT, those who judge first shall judge ye...or...something like that. I don't believe you should text serious stuff like that, but at the same token, I can't communicate to save my life! I do it every morning for my job. I talk, I banter, I chime in with modeartly witty quikps about life. But when it comes down to the bone of communicating with someone I may like or am trying to decide what to do, NOTHING COMES OUT. I'm like a 14 year old boy trying to ask out a senior to prom. My tongue gets tied and nothing comes out. I think I'm afraid of rejection and they thought of someone taking what I say, my honest feelings, and throwing them at me makes me want to cringe. But then again, how many people do you come into contact with or that you are talking would actually do something like that? They would listen to your side, give their side and you move on. hmmmm.

In times of trouble or great sadness in my life, I have turned to this blog to let it out. This is a day I will never forget. This is a moment I will not be able to erase from my brain.

I recieved a call one hour ago from my Mother informing that my cousin, my baby cousin, the one I use to baby sit when he was a just a little child, has taken his own life. I don't understand. I can't comprehend. I can't wrap my brain around it.

This phrase will be uttered many times over the next few months..."I just saw him and he seemed fine..." I did just see him. Christmas Day. He told me he was going to come visit and stay with me on the beach. I don't understand. My family has never experienced a tragedy such as this.

I'm afraid. I'm paralyzed. I just have no words.

Lord, please keep his soul at peace and I pray that he...I pray that he what? What do you say in this situation? Keep his soul safe? Keep him protected? My mind is running wild and I need to do something. I just...

I love you Antonio Burke. You will always be my baby cousin who threw up on my arm just months after you were born. You will always be my cousin with the killer smile. You will be my little cousin with so much talent and charisma, the world was just waiting to see what you had.

At times when I'm dog tired or my checking account has hit negative one hundred dollars, I always ask myself.."WHY AM I DOING THIS STUPID RADIO THING?!" Then I remember e-mails like the one I got from a guy who worked under me at my college station at Georgia Southern. I was the Program Director and Morning Show Host at the time. He came on as a fresh baby DJ. I helped him along and after a semester I put him on the night show. He was a great talent but just ended up not liking radio. Well I haven't spoke to him in about two years and then I open up my facebook messages and get this from him:

August 26 at 7:54pm

Hey Miguel,

I was just thinking about you latley. I have Dr. M. S. for theory of mass comm (hate the class but she is cool) and she and I talked a little about you and I was talking with some people that are talking about bringing back the morning show and that reminded me of you as well.

I just wanted to say man, that you just have some incredible talent and it makes me really proud for you that you have really accomplished so much with all of your creativeness and your degree. You were really under-appreciated when you worked here at GSU but the radio station has never been at the same quality you had it at after you left.

I'm not doing broadcasting anymore (mainly because you helped scare me out of it) and am doing public relations instead so you don't have to worry about me begging for a job from you in the future but I definitely reserve the right to name drop when you become a john tesh or a ryan seacrest (i know you just cringed when you read that).

Overall just keep it up man and if I'm ever in Panama City (which may be never but who knows) and your at the station, you should give me a tour.

Take care man.

Sincerely,

Mike O.

-->Wow. On a very bad day, that was a SUPER delight to read. =)

To make a change…

What do you do?

Stay where you are?

"He who has the goals, makes the rules." - Tyler Perry...something to focus on...

Wow. Today has definitely picked my brain. I have so many thoughts right now and I’m not sure where to start. I’m thinking of several different things right now:

>Weight

>Career

>Helping society

>Passing on a legacy

Looking at the list, I can’t help but wonder how the hell did I go between all these topics? That’s just a normal day inside my head. I’m always swirling with ideas, solutions and new paths to walk down. Let me tackle the first one.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I’m over my weight issues. It should be a NON issue. I have worked my butt off in so many parts of life. Finishing high school, getting my two-year degree, graduating with my BS from GSU. No one ASKED me to do those things, they weren’t even required by anyone, but I just felt as if I needed to do those things to become a productive member of society. In my ongoing struggle to become a more complete WHOLE person, I have to take the same fervor that I applied to all those years of schooling and apply them to my weight loss. I’m tired of complaining about it, I’m tired of feeling this way. I just simply have to shut up and do it. I feel like in the back of my mind I’ve been waiting for some easy answer to make me be skinny while enjoying the gross foods that I love. When it comes down to it, I just have to change. End of story. Learn to like foods that I don’t normally like. It has to change or I will die. Not being melodramatic or anything…

My career. This has caused me much confusion in the past two years. I made my goal and I reached it…well sort of….I work in radio full-time, I do a morning show, which has been my dream, now what? Do I continue to work up this ladder until something big happens or do I go for something bigger? Now here’s where the other two points come into play. A huge piece of my heart lightens up when I’m able to give to people who don’t have… I know that I want to give back and serve some how. So how do I do both – radio and serve? What do I focus on? And here we are…a cross roads…I’ve had a road map my entire life of where I was going. Has that ultimate goal changed? Is the route I’m going to take different?

Something that really stuck me tonight was Black In America on CNN. They focused on this program called MLT. They take young minorities and give them leadership skills to go on and get their MBA and work at Fortune 500 companies or open up their own place of business. It has my gears thinking…what do I want to do? How do I want to do it? So many questions. I think it’s time to pull out the road map and do some assessing.

This really went no where. I just needed to get some stuff out of my head. Will organize later.

I got an e-mail from a listener today that just didn't sit right with me. For a person who talks on the radio for four hours a day, you are going to offend someone...at least once a day. But this just hurt my feelings because I don't want anyone to think this about me. Here's the actual segment that played on the radio Thursday, July 3rd....

Listen to the segment here: http://www.zshare.net/audio/62152184a0c09722/

Here's the e-mail I got from K.T. after the show

So Miguel i just heard your rendition of one of our countries patriotic songs. First off you were never in chains, second your own people sold your ancestors. If you have a problem with this country THEN LEAVE! I'm a operation enduring freeedom Veteran who seen some of my best friends Killed overseas fighting for this country we LOVE. I always liked you as a radio personality before today, i've seen you out and about many times but when you start making fun of something i put my life on the line for and would DIE FOR we have a huge problem. If you continue to bad mouth my country and degrade her patriotic songs i'll break your neck myself! I'm not joking one bit! Think about this for one second we all know what you look like because of your job, you have no idea what i look like or any of my brothers i serve with. PLEASE watch your mouth when it comes to this country. what happened back then is tragic but i wasn't alive then neither was my father or his father. If you want to complain about it then do it some other way not by bad mouthing our country please. I lost all respect for you today and i hope next time i see you out at a club i can bite my tongue and supress my temper. Have a wonderful damn Day. Oh yeah ,Happy Independence Day!

----K.T. didn't provide a valid e-mail address so that's why I'm addressing this on my blog. Here's the e-mail I drafted to K.T...ps. If you are reading this, I would love to chat with you about this K.T.! E-mail me back.

Okkkaayyy…this is a whole lot to take in. I’m hurt that you would think that about me…I LOVE this country. K.T., from your e-mail I would assume that you are a frequent listener…you know that we poke fun at EVERYTHING. We are there to laugh and make fun of each other and everything else. But let me just clear the air a little bit...

1. You make a great point, I was never in chains. I understand this. But if you listen to the clip, I was poking fun at the fact that I don’t know the lyrics. Everyone in the studio started singing to the song – we all were having fun with the song...

2. I was in NO WAY making fun of you or your friends who have fought so bravely for this county. In no way would I EVER make fun of the military. I spent an entire week with the Marines out at Parris Island this winter! I have HUGE amounts of respect for people who go out of their way to sacrifice their life for this great country and the rights that we were ALL granted...

3. Now, I understand that you are upset for the misunderstanding of what you thought I meant, but don’t make threats. You know I’m all about love and peace! I just want everyone to sit around, share a vodka cranberry and joke about life!

4. If I ever talk about slavery on the show, it’s never about bad-mouthing this country. Slavery happened. Whether we want to talk about that or not. It happened. Having discussions on the show about slavery and me giving my VIEWPOINTS about the repercussions of slavery are not meant to slight you or our founders or anyone. It’s just a discussion...

5. Please don’t ask me to leave the country. That’s hurtful and shouldn’t even be part of the argument you are making...

Okay. I hope from the response you can see that what you heard on the radio was in no way making fun of this country...

On July 4^th I’ll be in Panama City waving my American flag like the AMERICAN that I am. If it weren’t for this great country, I would NOT have the job I have. I am grateful for this wonderful country and the ability to wake up every morning and speak my mind on different topics...

If you do see me in public, let’s talk! I love having discussions!! And I hope you know I mean that with sincerity...

Have a wonderful 4^th of July!

Miguel Fuller

Friday was a cluster! I thought I had a remote at the CVS for the Healthfair on backbeach from 5 until 7pm. Well at 2:15 I'm headed out of the station to grab some lunch and get changed for the remote. I'm told the remote is actually from 3 until 5pm. Crap. So I had to retrack my afternoon show and get stuff ready to head over there. It was fun though. I met a guy who use to do PFM weekends. We chatted about radio and how crazy it is. After all that was done with, I went home, got ready and went out for a bit. Went to No Name and met up with a few folks. The old PFM guy came along too. It was fun chit chatting it up with everyone. We then went over to Splash for a little while. If you are friends with them on myspace you get in free and get one free drink. Please believe I took advantage of that! I finally got to meet David's ex, Blake. He's a really cool guy. We hung out and gossiped for a bit. It was a fun night. Got to hang out with a lot of people. I'm finally feeling comfortable here!

Saturday I woke up early and went to the remote from 10 until noon at CVS. A few of the doctors from Waterside said they listened to the show. That was cool. After I was done with that, I went to the station, got some other stuff done and went home. I rented Seven Pounds and MILK. I watched Seven Pounds Saturday night and that's about all I did. I was ready to just spend a night alone, relaxing.

Sunday I worked all day at the Sunglass store. It's always such a hit or miss there. Sometimes we do tons of business, sometimes we just sell a couple of sunglasses. After the store, I went over to the station to edit Teacher of the Week...went to Publix to grab some dinner and lamsil for my bad feet. Ugh. I wish there were a pill I could take to have wonderful looking feet. I think people are cursed with bad feet. Just sayin....

Now I'm about to head to bed. Good weekend though!

Ehhh...this was up there as one of the most boring days of my life. Holly and I went to lunch at Subway where I think I got so many banana peppers on my sub, the Subway guy felt awkward. Whatev, I LOVE banana peppers! After lunch, went back up to the station and finished up a bunch of stuff.

I was finally finished with all that crazy stuff for WAVE and met Holly and Chris at Winn-Dixie to go shopping for food. We didn't have ANYTHING in our poor apartment. I felt bad I had no money to give to the food fund. =( After food shopping, we got home, warmed up a really good pizza and had dinner. It was soo good. I felt like an adult. It had bell peppers, onions and other veggies. I never eat stuff like that. But I did!

Now I'm going to finally finish the gay DVD about religion. I watched a little bit a while ago and almost cried when they talked about Mathhew Shepard...such a sad story. Ugh.

Now I'm off to bed.

Friday after teacher of the week I stayed around the building of death...or what it seemed like. Poor Angie. I called Friday afternoon and chatted with her for a while. =( I did my Honda remote, which seemed to be slightly sucessful since the sky looked like it was about to fall in. After the remote, I went home in a rush, ate the rest of the pizza from Teacher of the Week and watched the first five min. of Enchanted and passed out.

Saturday was crazy because of the weather. Chris Alan woke me up with the text about the Air Show and that nonsense. I went up to the station to record stuff for WAVE and TALK about the Air Show. I stayed up at the station for a while finishing up stuff. Then went home, took a nap, then went into the sunglass store. I worked with Cam for the first time Saturday night. It was probably the gayest thing EVER. We had Britney and Lady GaGa playing in the store. Amazing. After work, we went to Fridays for dinner where I ate EVERYTHING. I was HOANGRY.

Sunday was spent at the airshow...people love their free shiz! After that, came back and picked up that DVD from Kramer. I'm still not done with it. Only got to start it. I went over to Pier Park to pick up some things from Target. Poor ass bitch. Then I came back home to RELAX! J.R. called and we went to Pineapple Willy's for dinner. Thanks for the gift card! I had a nice grilled chicken sandwhich for dinner. Now I'm at the station and just finished editing Most Personal. Now it's off to bed!!

Well...this poor baby has been left without a father for a while...it kept me the end of high school and all the way through college. When I left college, my poor blog went empty. But no longer will that be the case! Every day I write an e-mail to my two co-hosts about what I did that day. Seeing as how only two people see that e-mail, I just couldn't have that! So I've decided to write the e-mails like blog posts and start recounting my days in Panama City. As I get to know more people in their 30's and beyond, I see that they look at their 20's with sparkling eyes wanting to go back to the good-ole days. Well, I don't want to forget the good-ole days. I have my high school and days documented, why not my 20s?!?! So here we go, getting back into the groove of it! My life, at age 23, living in Panama City. (And just to think, when I started this blog I was 18, a senior in high school and living in Atlanta! My how things have changed....

Is anyone else excited it's Friday?!

After the show I came home and made myself a sandwhich. I just discovered Montery Jack cheese. It's soooo good. I think I'm coming into the age where I can starting new stuff. It's sort of exciting. But I'm not going to get crazy with sushi and stuff...just yet...

I took a nap! A nap! I got a nap in! I was so excited. I always feel guilty when I take a nap. Like I'm not doing some work or something. But it was very much needed. After that, got up and went to have dinner with J.R. before work. I saw Mark and Kelly Foust out. Kelly said Belinda has been MIA for a little bit. Not sure what's going on with her. =(

Went to work and learned some new stuff about customer service...

Now I'm off to bed.

What to say, what to say….

This election for me has been completely different than the great campaign of ’04. When Kerry and Bush were running for the spot as the most powerful person in the world, I picked my side and I campaigned like I was getting paid to do it. I felt like I had a personal investment in the election. In 2004, in Georgia, we were voting for a new President of the U.S. and a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. At time I was a sophomore in college…I felt like someone was making a personal attack against me when they said they were in favor of a constitutional amendment to ban marriage. A document that is supposed to grant rights for it’s citizens and bring pride for the state in which you live. In 2004 it was just not the right time. By an over whelming majority, a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was passed in my home state of Georgia. I was devastated. To me it felt like 70 of my countrymen (yes I am from 1796) said that I was not a full human.

Now we are in 2008. I’m in a new state with a NEW ban on gay marriage. I felt like my wound from 2004 was healed. In this latest campaign for Yes on 2, I felt like it was a waste of time to try and persuade people to vote differently or change their opinions. Just by living my life I hope people will see that gay people are humans. Well, after watching this video, the wound has been reopened. No matter what your politics are or how you feel about Keith Olbermann, this message PERFECTLY articulates how it feels with the passage of Prop 8 or 2. Please watch. Walk away and think about it.

Well, what a difference a couple of weeks or months make.

I’m no longer a Georgia Peach…I’m a Florida Orange or a big giant ball of fire…the sun…right.

After spending five years in South Georgia at SGC then GSU and then Savannah for KISSFM I’ve moved to Panama City Beach, Florida for a new job!

Allaccess.com…a website for all things radio and music posted this in the news section today…very exciting!

“Staff Changes At Magic/Panama City
JENNIFER WILDE has exited middays at Active Rocker WYYX (97X), with [CHRIS ALAN at] sister Top 40 WILN (ISLAND 106) moving down the hall to fill the slot. As of YESTERDAY, the 97X line up is syndicated LEX &TERRY in am drive, CHRIS ALAN middays, DR. STROKE (APD/MD) in afternoons and SHORTBUS radio at night.

At ISLAND 106, MD SPOON swings from nights in to middays and newly imported MIGUEL FULLER, formerly SPANISH MICHAEL on WAEV/SAVANNAH, hops in to nights.

WILDE’s promotions responsibilities have been split and slide over to Talk WYOO-A Show Producer JEN KELLEY and Front Office Manager ANGIE PHILLIPS.”

Um, yay! So here in PCB I’m doing the night show and producing the morning show with Kramer and Holly. Holly and I are actually living together, so we see a whole lot of each other. Thankfully we are both goofy and end up laughing most of the time.

So far I’m really liking it PCB. It’s hot. Like, real hot. I’ve never had such sweaty underarms (I hate the word armp**s). I live THREE minutes from the beach, well five if a lot of people are on the road. I’ve been here for two weeks and have only been able to go to the beach once. I’m going to head there this weekend…maybe run on the beach…or eat Zaxby’s on the beach, not sure.

Moving down here was a huge dramatic ordeal…but when is it not with me? I got a huge 16 foot Budget truck with the big car dolly on the back for Sophia (my Honda!). I freaked out when I went and picked up the truck. Everything was just so big and I couldn’t see myself driving down 95, by myself, with this huge truck. Michael and Adam came over to help me pack up the truck and do dinner. Michael put my car on the huge car dolly…I freaked out again when I saw how complicated that whole process was. I’m a wuss… I’ll admit it. I can barley put gas in my car, let alone put my car on this huge THING and THEN take it off by myself. Thankfully, Michael and Adam agreed to help me drive the thing down here. Thank you God for them.

I’m done.

I need to blog more…

Good day!

Awkward things happening...

I like people I shouldn't.
I still go long times with no money.
As much as I like to think I cover up being lonely with work, it still creeps in at night as I'm thinking in bed.
I'm slowly starting to make a lifestyle change. Not as fast as I would like, but baby steps.
The thought of moving is really hitting me. A little sad, a lot happy, just ready for change...I've moved every year for the past five years, I think that's why I'm itching to move.
To do "it" or not to do "it"...my vow of celibacy I feel is coming to a close...but I just don't know if I want to budge...with who? When? Why? What would I gain from it? Would it change my life or just complicate it?
I have amazing friends that help me out, A LOT...I just hope I can repay them one day.
I want to be organized like I use to be.
I've become lazy...I'm wondering if the change of scenery will change that. The more I think about it, I think I'll step back into my old self...I've got the optimist back, but I just need the Type A personality back.
I want to explore my creative graphic side. I just dropped it when I left The George-Anne...I wonder if I have anything creative left in me.
I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to become more of intellectual person. I still look at people's profiles from high school to see what they are doing in life.

My back hurts.

Day 1.

Breakfast
I didn't go to Burger King or Arby's this morning for a breakfast sandwich...I grabbed a yogurt from Santiago’s frig (I'm dog sitting for him while he's over visiting Stephen in London)...sooo...yogurt still freaks me out. I think that's why I don't like a lot of stuff, the texture freaks me out. It feels all slimy going down...hmm...I may need to go back to oatmeal as my healthy breakfast food. What's for lunch...a hamburger sounds good...but I shall resist! I'm just going to come back and edit this through out the day to have a running dialogue of my eating habits so I can see in writing how crazy I am when it comes to food...

No time for a long drawn out post. At the TV station and I really need to get this stuff down.

Here's the deal. I'm fat. Shut up. Don't tell me I'm not. Don't tell me I look good. I'm overweight. My doctor says so...well, he did last summer. I think I am a very good looking person...I just happen to like the taste of food. Very bad food. It's like my drug. But I'm saying, right here, right now...in this production room in Savannah, Georgia I'm tired. I love making people laugh and poking fun at myself to make someone laugh. That will never change. But I've got to make some changes so I can become a healthier person. If I don't stop my bad habits now, it will only continue to get worse.

Whew...I said it publicly....now comes the plan...

I don't really have one at the moment, but I know what I need to cut out RIGHT NOW. If you see me near a Wendy's, Burger King, or ZAXBY'S (I really will miss that) stop me. If I'm out eating with you and I order a hamburger or buffalo chicken sandwich, take it away! And for goodness sake, take the ranch away! This is going to be hard...I feel like someone about to quit smoking...I now see how hard it can be. You always want to sneak ONE MORE...But I'm done.

I have something else to write about, but that will come later...when the mood strikes.

Oh, and for my personal record...I LOVED the Sex and the City movie. Call me a queer, sissy, gay...whatever...I LOVED that movie...and the music is just simply delicious from the soundtrack.

Okay, I've got to go and hold a camera...let's hope I don't mess up tonight in my withdrawals from ranch....

Sometimes I forget.

In the craziness of every day, trying to “hustle” to make more money or do whatever, I forget where I came from. Where I could be. Without the help of family, friends, God, who knows where I would be.

After reading the following story on cnn.com, I’m going to try and be more thankful about life and what I have. Too often I focus on what I DON’T have and what I’m NOT doing. I have a place to sleep, food to eat and a car to drive around in…not for long though…FOUR DOLLAR GAS SOON! EEEK! Some people don’t have a place to sleep…

This story broke my heart! One day I want to help people in positions like this. Most of us are one paycheck away from being one of these people…

Mom forced to live in car with dogs
SANTA BARBARA, California (CNN) -- Barbara Harvey climbs into the back of her small Honda sport utility vehicle and snuggles with her two golden retrievers, her head nestled on a pillow propped against the driver's seat.

A former loan processor, the 67-year-old mother of three grown children said she never thought she'd spend her golden years sleeping in her car in a parking lot.
"This is my bed, my dogs," she said. "This is my life in this car right now."
Harvey was forced into homelessness earlier this year after being laid off. She said that three-quarters of her income went to paying rent in Santa Barbara, where the median house in the scenic, oceanfront city costs more than $1 million. She lost her condo two months ago and had little savings as backup.

"It went to hell in a handbasket," she said. "I didn't think this would happen to me. It's just something that I don't think that people think is going to happen to them is what it amounts to. It happens very quickly, too."

Harvey now works part time for $8 an hour, and she draws Social Security to help make ends meet. But she still cannot afford an apartment, and so every night she pulls into a gated parking lot to sleep in her car, along with other women who find themselves in a similar predicament.

There are 12 parking lots across Santa Barbara that have been set up to accommodate the growing middle-class homelessness. These lots are believed to be part of the first program of its kind in the United States, according to organizers.
The lots open at 7 p.m. and close at 7 a.m. and are run by New Beginnings Counseling Center, a homeless outreach organization.

It is illegal for people in California to sleep in their cars on streets. New Beginnings worked with the city to allow the parking lots as a safe place for the homeless to sleep in their vehicles without being harassed by people on the streets or ticketed by police.

Harvey stays at the city's only parking lot for women. "This is very safe, and that's why I feel very comfortable," she said.

Nancy Kapp, the New Beginnings parking lot coordinator, said the group began seeing a need for the lots in recent months as California's foreclosure crisis hit the city hard. She said a growing number of senior citizens, women and lower- and middle-class families live on the streets. See how foreclosure filings are up 75 percent »
"You look around today and there are so many," said Kapp, who was homeless with her young daughter two decades ago. "I see women sleeping on benches. It's heartbreaking."

She added, "The way the economy is going, it's just amazing the people that are becoming homeless. It's hit the middle class."

She and others with New Beginnings walk the streets looking for people and families sleeping in their cars. The workers inform them about the parking lot program.
New Beginnings screens people to make sure they won't cause trouble. No alcohol or drugs are allowed in the parking lots.

"What we are trying to do is we pull bad apples out, and we put good apples in the parking lots and really help people out," said Shaw Tolley, another coordinator with New Beginnings.

Most of the time, the lots are transition points. New Beginnings works with each person to try to find a more permanent housing solution.

"It saddens me when they live in their vehicles," Tolley said. "It is not the most ideal situation for senior citizens and families, but it is reality."
He added, "We need to engage this problem. This is reality."

John Quigley, an economics professor at the University of California-Berkeley, said the California housing crisis has left many middle-class families temporarily homeless or forced them to go to food banks to feed their families.

"Part of the reason why it's so painful in Santa Barbara is there's so little in the way of alternative housing," Quigley said. "If there were alternative low and moderate housing and rental accommodations that were reasonably close by, you can imagine it wouldn't have this desperate look to it as people living in their cars."
At the only lot for women in Santa Barbara, it's a tough existence. There are no showers or running water. On the night CNN visited, a half-dozen women already were in the parking lot before nightfall.

Linn Labou, 54, lives in her car with four cats. She used to be in the National Guard and is on a waiting list for government housing, but the wait is a year long.
"I went looking for family, but I couldn't get them to help me," she said.
As for Harvey, she begins each day by walking her two dogs before going to her part-time job. She leaves the dogs in her car with its windows cracked while she works.
It's another chapter in her life that she's certain she'll get through, even though she said she knows it pains her children. Her 19-year-old daughter moved in with friends to avoid being homeless.

"My daughter especially is very unhappy. Sometimes she'll cry and she'll call and say, 'Mom, I just can't stand it that you are living in a car,' " Harvey said. "I'll say, 'You know what? This is OK for right now because I'm safe, I'm healthy, the dogs are doing OK and I have a job and things will get better.'

Time for a little lamenting...

Spring time brings out the best and worst in people. Or me.

On one hand I LOVE Spring weather...Fall is still my favorite...I love the chilly mornings and warm, sunny afternoons when spring arrives.

But I HATE the bugs and creepy crawly things that come out.

In the Spring, my sexual kitten (???) comes out and I'm ready to pounce. As everyone and their mother's know, I've kept that kitten hidden in a closet and made sure to bolt up the door for the past two years...TWO YEARS...since the kitten was released. And here I sit, another night chit chatting with friends but the entire time, having several gay personals sites open in the background. I'm waiting for that glorifying moment when my Macbook beeps at me and informs his master that there is a message waiting for him at gay.com...but alas, no such beep ever comes. Like. Never.

I don't know why, but my picture and profile has never garnered much attention from guys online. But I have friends who put up a half naked shot of themselves and they can't even log onto the site because their inbox is full of twinks ready to have their grass plowed. Whatever. As I wrote to a friend on AIM tonight...

"I would just like for once for an attractive guy to be interested in me so I can at LEAST entertain the idea of having someone to date"

I feel like I'm so far from even the THOUGHT of having someone that half the time, I don't even think about it any more. But spring arrives and rears it's ugly head and now I'm ready to mate and do as the monkeys do. Whatever that may be...

But GOSH DARN IT, I'M TWENTY TWO AND I WANT A BOYFRIEND! There, I said it! In my most childish, bratty voice, I'm proclaiming what I've been saying in my head forever, but in the past year or so, never wanted to put it into writing. I want someone to love me and I want to love them. Is that too much to ask?!

Ugh...so much more to go into, but I'm spent for the day. SO ready for bed.

Until next time...

A few days ago, some friends of mine invited me over for dinner. I love hanging out with these people...I always feel super inspired afterwards. I've always been told that you should hang out with people that are smarter than you, people that have more money than you, etc...it makes you rise to their level and improve yourself. I've always tried to do that in every aspect of my life. I'm always on the constant journey to better myself. But as I was sitting at the table, enjoying a wonderful dinner, something hit me. I complain about not having money, not being able to go home and visit, not being able to take a trip some where, blah, blah...but you know something I've always had, without question? Support. Encouragement. Respect.

From the time I could remember, my mother has always told me that no matter what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be, she would support me 100% and be there for me. There are a lot of material things she has not been able to give me though the years, but I've always known, that when I call her and tell her of my latest accomplishment...no matter how small, I'm going to hear nothing but encouragement from the other end of the line...

I've never been able to swallow pills...my mother and I use to fight like cats and dogs when I was sick and had to take medicine. Luckily, I've never had any serious medical attention and didn't HAVE to take serious medication. So I always got away with not swallowing pills. Well last year at GSU, I came down with a bad case of strep throat. I HAD to swallow these pills to get rid of the virus. Well, after much mental coaching, I swallowed my first pill! My throat thanked me later...but I called my mother in celebration. She was just as excited as I was! lol Who else would do that?

But I say ALLL that, to say that during my life, I've had people behind me, in my ear, whispering encouraging words...telling me to keep going, keep trucking...and sitting across from my friends at their house the other night, I just felt a wave of gratitude come over me. I am thankful, deeply thankful for all my friends and relatives that have been in my corner my entire life. These people would do anything for me...that's such a comforting thought. As I move forward in my career and life, I can always remember...

I have something money can never buy....respect.