BITCH!!!! How the fuck can this little skinny ass white boy laugh at me! Ok, now let’s look and examine the situation at hand. Your white, skinny, white, silent, and ugly looking. How the HELL can you laugh at me when your little skinny white ass is hanging out with some [big] black thugs! How the HELL does that look? What NOW bitch! Ok, I need to calm down …. This school has its good and bad qualities, and sometimes the bad qualities out weigh the good. The teachers have been awesome, they seem like they really want to help, but you have these people here, students, who act like there still stuck in high school! Oh My Goodness, it’s like, come on now…are we here to sit around and talk about people, or to get an education?! GET A LIFE!!!! But anyway… other then little prick people acting stupid, everything is wonderful. My math class is great. The teacher really wants to see us do well. He is basing 10% of our grade on out Notebooks! OH MY GOD!!! I had an orgasmic flow go through me when he said that! I thought me getting points for my neatness was over, but I guess it continues here in two-year school. lol My friend Lisa said one comment that basically summed up the way people view school here….”Every one that’s walking around going to class here at South Georgia College is here because of some mishap in high school…or in life, because of that, most of the people treat it like 13th grade instead of college.” She is SO right. It’s not your typical open-minds type place. Douglas, Georgia + Small Town= Small Minds.

**I wrote this Monday night, August 25th, 2003 @ 11:03 P.M.**
It’s funny how little things in life can set you off and PISS you off. That’s what I’m feeling right now. A little pissed off…it’s probably nothing, but it really got to me. When I first got here and was talking with one of my older friends here Lisa. She told me, don’t stay in the common room too late, people start hanging out and talking about other people. You don’t want to be caught up in that drama. Sure enough, who got caught up in it? Tonight, I was just walking across the room to go use the phone. All of a sudden I hear these giggles…I ignore them, giggles are a common thing you will hear in a college common room… but as I’m walking away I look into the window that I’m walking towards, and through the reflection I see most of them that are sitting on the couch looking at me and laughing. WHAT THE FUCK?! My whole little rant is this, why and the hell are you going to sit and laugh at someone who has done NOTHING to you?! I mean, have I uttered a bad word, or given anyone a dirty look? NO! Sometimes it just makes me so sad to see how black people treat each other. It’s like, were all black, were all going through the same struggle, can we not just get along with each other? I guess not. Some people feel that the only way they can have fun is to smoke weed or laugh at other people. But you know what? Who gives a fuck who they laugh at! I’m here to get my fucking education! My Damn DEGREE! They can kiss my wonderful brown black ass!

Does anyone read this? If so, please leave a shout out....I feel lonely here in Blog Town.

Okayyy, so my first day in college. Well it was a bit low key from what I was expecting. I hope my first day is not foreshadowing what’s going to be the norm for me. SO, here’s what happened to me today. Got to the college around 2 PM. My mother and I moved all my boxes into the dorm. (Side note: my roommate didn’t move in today, so I have an empty room.) I really do have probably way more then I need. But I see it like this, everyone has to go through some type of freshman rituals, and mine seemed to be over packing. **Let’s hope I can avoid the Freshman 15!** after we finally finish lugging all my boxes and crap into the room, my Grandmother, Mother, and I head to the all-you-can-eat buffet! Oh yeah, only the classy for us! We eat, talk, laugh, and have fun. They bring me back to the school and we say our goodbyes. I walk back to an empty room, just my stuff looking at me. Fun. I prop my door open in hopes of someone coming to talk to me. Of course no one does. I then start putting my computer up and organizing my desk. After I’ve finished that arduous task, I climb into my bed just to see what it feels like. Next thing I know I wake up and it’s like three hours later! I was really tired. I go into the common room and get on the computer to check my e-mail and what not. This girl who’s sitting next to me starts talking to me and we have a cool conversation. SO basically, for the next two hours I stay in he common room on the computer watching TV, talking to a few people. It’s 11:00 so I call it an evening and head back to my room. I’m sitting in my room reading and I decided that I wanted my Jack Johnson cd, which is in my car (I LOVE saying that, MY car!). I walk out, and go through the common room. I SWEAR I think I saw a keg sitting somewhere against the wall! I don’t know…am I just stupid…do other things come in Kegs? Like Sprite or something?!? People are drinking and sitting around, not my scene. Oh God, did I do the right thing? Hopefully some more people will come tomorrow who I can talk to!

I just got here like three hours ago. Um, it's a little different. We had like three days where we could move in and it looks like no one moved in today except for me and all the upper classman. I feel kind of, I don't know. I started to put my room together and thought I would take a break to e-mail some folks. I got my car yesterday, it's a 2001 Mitsubushi (I can't spell it!) Mirage! It's cherry red. It's SO awesome! I am SO thankful to God for all that he has done for me! Well, I've been alsleep in my room for the past three hours. I haven't done much socialing (sp?), but there's always tomorrow. We don't have net connection in our rooms, we have to use the computers in the common room, but they have NO AIM!!!! OH MY GOD!!! That's all I've done this summer! Well, I guess it's good, it forces me to go outside my room and meet new people. My roomate didn't come today so hopefully I'll meet them tomorrow. I feel like an outsider, me with my big afro and proper accent!! While I was moving in today, all I kept thinking about was, 'Did I make the right decision?' 'Am I doing the right thing?' I hope so. Well I wonder when he gay question will come up?
Well I'm going to go and TRY and meet some new people!

Sooo I’ve tired to refrain from writing about Cory, but I can’t anymore! I wish I were talking to him right now! Ugh! I wish we both had cell phones! He came to see me at work today, it was so cool! We have a lot in common and our conversations are easy and flow well. There aren’t any awkward pauses or anything. He’s so cool…but I’m trying to not get my hopes up. I don’t want to get hurt again. Some even more good news, I bought a car today! YAY! I can drive around now! I’m SO excited! I get it Wednesday! YAY for me! But yeah, I’m really happy and I hope I get to talk to Cory tonight.

Well just when life seemed like it couldn't suck anymore, it takes it big wet mouth full of nails and puts it on my head...no silly, not that head...THAT head...yes, er...so any who... So I'm sitting here at my computer, again and I look at the clock, it's reads: 1:21 A.M. How fun. Me sitting at my computer once again... But yeah, I leave next week...how exciting. I'm feeling so many things right now...one would probably have to be frustration...I don't just don't feel like typing out exactly why I feel the way I do, but here's a little list of things that frustrate me right now: people who are confusing, me getting mixed signals, me reading too much into things, being alone, feeling ugly, being ugly, feel stupid, feeling worthless, having a some what crappy childhood, having a sometimes crappy mother, being poor, liking people who will never like me, going to a two-year school, being gay, being black, being black and gay, people at my church who won't understand me, money, people, and once again, just to get my point across, people.

It feels so werid to think that everyone is moving on to the next level in their lives. Most of the people who are going o UGA left today. I feel like I'm just stuck until next week. But it's cool, I have some time to just get myself to together. I haven't even started packing. I don't know what to take! I have so much crap, I have no idea what I'm supossed to pack! But it's cool.

I’m so tired right now. You would think that working at Barnes & Noble wouldn’t be that physically demanding…HA! I’m so exhausted right now! After I finish typing this I’m heading RIGHT to the bed. Well, by this time next week, or I should say by next Tuesday I should be in new car! YAY! God is giving me a break and giving me what I want! I’m so excited! It’s a 2001 Mirage…oh I can’t wait to get in it and drive around…only a week! I talked to my Uncle (the one with LOT’S of money and he agreed to move me into school next week. I’m so really excited about that. August 21st, 2003 I will be moving into South Georgia College! YAY for me! There’s some other stuff going on, but I’m just wayyy to tired to type it out. I’ll save it for tomorrow.

I hate people. I try to be happy, but it doesn't work. I feel like shit. Ah....I just...I don't know... Everything can be so good at one moment and then the next it feels like everything is shit.

Ya know, there are a lot of things in this world that I will just never understand. For one, why does it seem like that most of the time black guys are attracted to white guys, but the white guys usually are not interested in the black guys? I don’t know, in just talking with some African-American gay males and reading up on it, this just seems to be the norm all over the place. My question is this, why is that? Why does it seem like the majority of the black guys are attracted to white guys, and why aren’t the white guys attracted to the black guys? Hmmm…I have no clue. Well, I can speculate, but it’s probably way off base.

Ya know, there’s something else that bothers me. Pretty people. I’m so tired of seeing these cute people all over the Internet and TV. They’re the reason why so many people starve themselves and never feel like they have any self worth. But not really, it’s not the pretty people’s fault, they can’t help it. I guess I’m just jealous!

There are a few issues that I want to star writing about in here to see what they look like on paper, or I should say on the screen…

The funeral: Well that was quite an ordeal. I don’t want to really talk about it a lot, but I can say that Mrs. Kay died for a reason. It sucks a lot that she had to go, but there’s a reason why; hopefully I’ll get to see her in heaven one day and I pray that she knew that I loved her.

It’s time for me to hit the sack.

So um yeah, the funeral is tomorrow. I don’t really know what to think. This will be my first funeral. I don’t know what to wear or how to act. Do I wear all black? Do I act super sad? Do I smile? Do I say I’m sorry to Mrs. Kaye’s husband? Well I guess I’ll find out what to do tomorrow.

On a brighter note here are a few dates that are very important to me: August 22nd, 2003. My 18th Birthday! YAY! I can buy porn and cigs! But too bad I won’t buy either, and I probably won’t stay out past midnight since I can. Part of the reason why I won’t be staying out late and buying sinful products is because I will be in college on campus then. I move in on the 21st so I’ll be in school. SO yeah, I’m going to spend my 18th birthday in college and not knowing anyone. Sounds like fun? I guess. Well I’m tired and have to try to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow.

Goodnight.

This is how bored I've gotten, I've posted my picture on "Hot or Not." Hmmm... I wonder how it will go over with the people who see it. I'm a little sacred! Well, I'll see. But if you like to vote, here's the link: Am I Hot or Not?

Tragedy. You never when it’s going to hit, or whom it’s going to hit.

Today I went into work, got off at 2. Went to pick up my friend Stephanie so we could go shopping for school. I got everything I needed. We had fun laughing about old times and such. I got home to show my Grandmother what all I had bought. I spent a total of $172.20 today. I was proud that I was able to get so much and still be under budget. My Grandmother, Stephanie, my grandmother’s friend, Ms. Weston, and myself were just sitting around talking about college. The phone rang. My Grandmother picked it up, so Stephanie and I went into my room so I could her show her this year’s yearbook. I walk back into the living room and my Grandmother is sitting on the couch with this sad faraway look in her eyes as she’s talking on the phone. It doesn’t really register in my brain yet. I look over at Ms. Weston who’s sitting next to my Grandmother on the couch, and she mouths something to me. I can’t understand what she’s saying; I move closer, I still can’t understand what she’s saying. She speaks up and says, “Stella passed away.” I look at her in confusion and ask, “Mrs. Kaye?” She slowly nods her head, yes. Shock. Terror. Heartbreak. Disbelief. Sadness … all this ran through my mind in the ten seconds that it took for me to turn around and walk back into my room. I couldn’t, well I can’t believe it. My Godmother, Mrs. Kaye, is gone. I won’t hear any more stories about how when I was a baby she would have to wear a raincoat when picking me up because I would spit upon her. At my daycare, she was the only person who could put me to sleep. Or when my mother was labor and she screamed that she wanted a hamburger and Mrs. Kaye ran downstairs to the McDonald’s and bought her a hamburger and my Mother had only taken one bite and said she was done. I was born shortly after. No more stories. No more smiles. No more calls. How could this happen? What do I do? Do I smile? Do I cry? Do I think? I just don’t know. This is the first time anyone near me has died. She was just in the hospital to do some checkups or something.

Life’s a bitch, but you have to take it by the balls and take control. Live life. LAUGH! No more petty crap. Live life.

I Love you Mrs. Kaye. I want to hear that story one more time.

FUCK FUCK FUCK…. ONCE AGAIN I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND IT DOESN’T WORK!!! It hurts, rejection. Do you know that feeling? The numbness inside, that dizzy feeling, it’s as if someone has clubbed you in the back of the head. Tears form, but don’t come out…do you know that feeling? Well I do, and you know what? It sucks fucking ass.

Here’s what was just said: yeah...well...the thing is...I really really like you...and think you are a great person and we have SOO much in common that it scares me....but i feel that we could only be friends for each other...nothing more...i know you at least KINDA feel the same way....i just really feel that we would be better friends for each other than anything else...i hope this isnt all kindsa sudden and stuff....and i REALLY hope we can remain friends and hopefully in the future maintain that friendship...

The paragraph that killed it all. Brandon just wrote that to me. Don’t you just love the world and how it just screws you right up the ass? Oh, it’s just so FUCKING fun! Can anything go right in my life? Can it? I just don’t even have energy to even be pissed. Why should I? I mean, why in the world would someone want me? Now, let’s think about it ... what could I possibly offer to someone? Am I smart? No. Do I look good? No. Do I have money? No. Am I good at anything? No. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the reasons why Miguel will forever be alone with himself. Oh, and let’s not forget the loads of self pity Miguel sprays over the place. But yeah, life is good, life is fun, gotta love it!

FUCK IT!

Yesterday (Thursday) when I went into work (Barnes & Noble), everyone knew something was wrong with me. As I walked into the door, a co-worker stopped me, looked into my eyes and asked me if I was ok. I politely answered “ok” and continued my walk back to the break room to drop my bags before I went to clock in. Someone else stopped me in the break room to ask if I was ok. By this time, I had to ask myself I was ok. I thought I was. Nothing had happened to make me go into one of my pensive non-talkative moods. Or had it?

Later on after I had clocked in I was in the counting room and the Cassandra turned and asked me if I was ok. I asked her what made her think something was wrong with me. She then started to say that it looked like I was thinking about something deep and that it must be worrying me. I didn’t know of anything at the time. As we walked up to the front of the store, she stopped me and asked, “So what’s the guy’s name?” Indicating that it must be a guy that had me all sad and what not. No guy had me upset, I was thinking and didn’t know it. As I was up in the cashier place thinking about what could make me look so sad… and I figured it out.

The past two days I have been back and forth between work and Ryan’s house. Going to his house, talking to him and our friends reminded me how little I had. But as I type this I think there’s more to issue. To just simply suggest that I’m jealous or bitter over what they have would be just hitting the surface of the issues. Going to Ryan’s birthday dinner and seeing him receive love and acceptance from his family was kind of a wake up to me. His father, mother, and brother seemed so happy to be celebrating his birthday. When he got home he cards waiting in the mailbox from family members that live in other states. By the next day he told his mother that his 18th birthday was his best. His best. His best. His best.

Now, let’s rewind to my 17th birthday last year.


Exactly, there’s nothing to write about. Nothing happened, no one said Happy Birthday, no one sent any cards, no one called, no one e-mailed, no one anything. Now, this isn’t the only time this has happened. When it comes to situations and me where family is involved, I’m usually left out. Let’s go through the list of the actives that I did and who from my family came to see me: ‘Goys & Dolls’ None came. The hundred chorus concerts we did, none came. ‘The World We live in” (a play) no one came. I can’t think of anything else, but do you see what I mean. Oh wait, I forgot, Graduation…. only half of them came. Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself here, I need to take some of the blame ... I didn’t tell them when I had plays, musicals, concerts, and whatever going on. But wait, did they call to even check with me. No. It just hurts to see that some people get so much love and support from their families. I mean, the real, I LOVE YOU no matter WHAT type love. The I WILL BE THERE FOR ANYTIHNG, or the CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING type LOVE, the LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A CALL TO SEE HOW YOUR DOING type LOVE. I never had that, and sometimes it feel like I never will. Sometimes it just feels as if I’m here to make people laugh, (sometimes) and that’s it. Sometimes it feel’s like I’m incapable to love or to be loved. There’s just this sadness inside that I don’t know about, but comes out everyone now and then to show it self.

I just don’t think there are words to describe how I’m feeling right now. I want to cry, but can’t. I can’t cry. Sometimes I wish I could, so I could just let everything out.

I’m just so tired…