Yesterday (Thursday) when I went into work (Barnes & Noble), everyone knew something was wrong with me. As I walked into the door, a co-worker stopped me, looked into my eyes and asked me if I was ok. I politely answered “ok” and continued my walk back to the break room to drop my bags before I went to clock in. Someone else stopped me in the break room to ask if I was ok. By this time, I had to ask myself I was ok. I thought I was. Nothing had happened to make me go into one of my pensive non-talkative moods. Or had it?

Later on after I had clocked in I was in the counting room and the Cassandra turned and asked me if I was ok. I asked her what made her think something was wrong with me. She then started to say that it looked like I was thinking about something deep and that it must be worrying me. I didn’t know of anything at the time. As we walked up to the front of the store, she stopped me and asked, “So what’s the guy’s name?” Indicating that it must be a guy that had me all sad and what not. No guy had me upset, I was thinking and didn’t know it. As I was up in the cashier place thinking about what could make me look so sad… and I figured it out.

The past two days I have been back and forth between work and Ryan’s house. Going to his house, talking to him and our friends reminded me how little I had. But as I type this I think there’s more to issue. To just simply suggest that I’m jealous or bitter over what they have would be just hitting the surface of the issues. Going to Ryan’s birthday dinner and seeing him receive love and acceptance from his family was kind of a wake up to me. His father, mother, and brother seemed so happy to be celebrating his birthday. When he got home he cards waiting in the mailbox from family members that live in other states. By the next day he told his mother that his 18th birthday was his best. His best. His best. His best.

Now, let’s rewind to my 17th birthday last year.


Exactly, there’s nothing to write about. Nothing happened, no one said Happy Birthday, no one sent any cards, no one called, no one e-mailed, no one anything. Now, this isn’t the only time this has happened. When it comes to situations and me where family is involved, I’m usually left out. Let’s go through the list of the actives that I did and who from my family came to see me: ‘Goys & Dolls’ None came. The hundred chorus concerts we did, none came. ‘The World We live in” (a play) no one came. I can’t think of anything else, but do you see what I mean. Oh wait, I forgot, Graduation…. only half of them came. Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself here, I need to take some of the blame ... I didn’t tell them when I had plays, musicals, concerts, and whatever going on. But wait, did they call to even check with me. No. It just hurts to see that some people get so much love and support from their families. I mean, the real, I LOVE YOU no matter WHAT type love. The I WILL BE THERE FOR ANYTIHNG, or the CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING type LOVE, the LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A CALL TO SEE HOW YOUR DOING type LOVE. I never had that, and sometimes it feel like I never will. Sometimes it just feels as if I’m here to make people laugh, (sometimes) and that’s it. Sometimes it feel’s like I’m incapable to love or to be loved. There’s just this sadness inside that I don’t know about, but comes out everyone now and then to show it self.

I just don’t think there are words to describe how I’m feeling right now. I want to cry, but can’t. I can’t cry. Sometimes I wish I could, so I could just let everything out.

I’m just so tired…