Things are looking up. For once, it seems that everything is coming together to make for a great couple of weeks.

First, I’m going to college. I think anyone who is leaving for school next month for the first time and attest to the happiness and just pure elation that the thought of college brings. Ah! I can’t wait.

Second, my 18th birthday is next month (August 22nd, 2003!), what else can I say, I turn 18!

Thirdly, I’ve met a wonderful person, his name is Brandon. Last night we talked on the phone for first time. We started talking at 11 something at night, and didn’t get off the phone until about 2:30 A.M. During those hours we talked about everything. We found out we had A LOT in common. When I say we have a lot in common, I really mean we share SO many interests it makes you want to starch your head. We both are BIG Bert Show fans (Q100!), HUGE, I mean HUGE Buffy and Angel fans, big Real World Fans, big Jason Mraz and Maroon 5 fans…. So much. It’s so cool. And he just seems like a really cool person who isn’t caught up with something weird or whatever. He seems like a cool down-to-earth person. I’m SO excited about this. I think this will be a long friendship, and somewhere down the road a great relationship. I don’t want to rush anything, I want it to all happen organically.

Fourthly, my job is wonderful. All the people I work with are just so nice and intelligent. It’s been very cool getting to know all these new people. Finding out about their life stories and opinions has been really interesting. We have all grown really close.

And finally, I might be purchasing a car really soon. A gentleman at my church who owns a car dealership has offered me a 2001 car for only $3,500. Today at church I gave letters out to people who I thought who might be able to help me out. I think I may get the money to purchase the car. I hope I get it!

So life looks pretty good right now. I have my usual rough patches, but everything seems to be coming together nicely! YAY! Let’s just hope life continues to be this good.

Life's a bitch. I think we should remember that. When something bad happen to you, remember that life is a bitch. It seems like there's so much unhappiness in the world, and so many mad people who spread there bad seeds to the rest of us. I don't know where I was going with this, but any who, I stayed the night at Jon's house last night. It was kind of a guy’s night out; it was me, Jon, and Brian. Hayden came over for a bit, so did Jenifer and Ben. I was talking to Brandon and Luther while they watched this stupid movie. Brandon and I had a really good convo. He's a really cool person and I think something may happen there, but I don't want to rush it. I feel so sorry for Luther; I was talking to him and asked if he wanted to go to the movies. I meant it as a friend; Brian and Jon thought that I should make it clear that I wasn’t asking him out. I was just like whatever. So Brian started typing in some stuff to him about how it's only a platonic relationship that I'm looking for with him. I just want to be his friend. That was fine, but then Jon had to jump in. He typed in something like, "He doesn't want your ball, or something." I was so pissed off by that. Now this kid thinks I'm so perv or something, and I have to see him at work. I was so mad. But I guess shit happens. Well, today I'm supposed to hang out with Ben for a bit and then go shopping with Jenifer. That will be fun.

Awesome! (Life has gotten really boring for me, I've been reduced to taking these quizzes at one something in the morning, and I have to be up at like 5:30 A.M. YIKES!) HAHA, I said Yikes! Yeah, it's time to go to bed.


Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

YAY! SOmething good for once!


You are normal. Lucky little you


What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey all! Look at what I got! It's so cool. *Only a few who see this will understand this coolness factor.* lol


Which HP Kid Are You?

Parents. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. I don’t understand my mother. She’s 45 years old, but though she acts as if she’s 18. There’s not one situation in particular that I can think to write about, it’s more of a lifetime of events. But I can say that since she hasn’t been there a lot of times, I have become very independent. Applying to college, getting finical aid, getting a dorm, EVERYTHING, that has to do with college, I did it myself. Most (not everyone, I’m not generalizing) students who went to my high school had their parents handle everything for them. I did it all myself, I’m not bragging, but it makes me feel really independent. When it comes to having to buy supplies, towels, whatever for school, I have to get it all myself. It’s not that my mom won’t buy the materials, it’s just that, well, she can’t. She doesn’t have a job, so she can't afford to buy things for me. But she, I hadn’t really thought about all this before, I knew she couldn’t buy anything for me; it’s not until I was talking to my friend Brian, that it this whole issue was brought to the forefront of my mind. I was explaining to Brian how I had just opened up my checking account, got my checks, and had went to the grocery store to purchase some food items. He was appalled; he couldn’t believe that I had to buy my own food. He thought that I should be saving my money for school; I totally agree with him, but if I have to buy food, then I have to buy food. I don’t like to ask my Grandmother for money because she’s going through financial problems herself. But I understand and see the point he was trying to make. I felt sorry for myself for a bit, but you what? You can’t do that in life. If were to all sit around and moan and complain about things that have been done to us, then most of the world would stop and nothing would happen. I’m just frustrated that I have to go through all this. I just have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason …

Life is ok. I mean, doors still keep closing in my face, but you know what, it's not the end of the world. You take each day and try to make it better. Each day may suck, but when you wake up, you start over, and make it damn good! I don't care what people say or don't say to me. I want to be happy damnit! You know what, I don't need anyone! Yeah right, by tomorrow I'll be screaming about how I want someone. I can never make up my mind. I really should go to bed and get a life, it's 3:14 and I'm still on the net! LOSER! But so what if I'm a loser, at least I do it in style. Ok, now I'm just talking stupid. Ok, so I'm going to bed and I'm going to think about the future how fun it's going to be. My big house, my Jetta, my job, my dog, my carpet, my bed .....

This is how much life sucks..... (Read the entry before this to get the backgroud story...this is how sad my life is.....or rather this is how it all played out.) I'm feeling really worthless right now...

zack6674: Checkers?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: of course
zack6674: Took you long enough to answer.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: my bad
zack6674: That's cool.
zack6674: So how was work
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: it was alright
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i did that thing you usually do
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: with the typing stuff
zack6674: What, for Yolanda, or the stuff at the customer service desk?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: for yolanda
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: me and kelli
zack6674: How fun!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i know
zack6674: lol
zack6674: So what have you been up to since you got home from work?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nothing really
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: im too tired to do anything
zack6674: Work tired you out that much?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: not really
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i just don't feel like doing anything
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well i might later
zack6674: cool
zack6674: But yeah, I didn't figure you as the sit at home type.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sometimes i am but others you know i just let it loose
zack6674: So how exactly do you let it "loose"?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i just..... do what i please
zack6674: Ok
zack6674: And what is that...?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know how to explain it
zack6674: Your pretty good with the words, I'm sure you could explain it.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: naww this one is a bit difficult.
zack6674: Hmmm
zack6674: Can you describe it?
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol im thinkin
zack6674: Ok....i guess
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i came up with nothing
zack6674: Hmmmm
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ......
zack6674: I think you can put it into words, but for some reason you don't want to.
zack6674: Am I right?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Ok, so what does it invlove?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: me
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Well I figured that much..
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you did?
zack6674: Yep
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: good job
zack6674: Thank you.
zack6674: Can I try to guess?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sure
zack6674: Ok...
zack6674: Um, does it involve other people?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sometimes
zack6674: Hmm...
zack6674: Does this take place at your house, or somewhere else?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: it depends on where the party is
zack6674: What kind of parties are these?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: wild ones
zack6674: Ok Luther, just go ahead and tell me ....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just getting drunk and stuff
zack6674: I see
zack6674: And this was the really hard thing to explain?
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol maybe
zack6674: You like this don't you?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nope
zack6674: Maybe? What kind of an answer is that.
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I've never been to a party like that before.
zack6674: I've always stayed away, but I think I would want to try, just once to see what they are like.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: why
zack6674: Cause I just want to see what the hype is for, and just to see what I would be like, drunk.
zack6674: I guess.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: but you never did it?
zack6674: Nope
zack6674: I've always been the good little kid, I just want to try it to see.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you should
zack6674: Yeah
zack6674: So I see you like Ms. Carey?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol yes i do
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: she pretty fine
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i would like to sex her
zack6674: Would you really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yep
zack6674: Well that sounds like fun
zack6674: I guess
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i bet it would be
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you wouldnt like to?
zack6674: Not my type
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: if shes not your type then who is
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ?
zack6674: Um...
zack6674: Well.... It's not exactly of the female persusaion
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: As I'm sure you had already guessed.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
zack6674: Your not like going to block me from your list now are you?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: that wouldnt be nice now would it
zack6674: Very true
zack6674: Good boy
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol thank you
zack6674: lol
zack6674: No problem
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you're so nice
zack6674: Well thank you, I try to be.
zack6674: It's my life's mission ya know, to bring love and peace to the entire world ....
zack6674: or not
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol through the radio right
zack6674: Exactly!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ill listen to you when you make
zack6674: You are a good listener, you'll make some girl happy one day.
zack6674: Will you really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes i would
zack6674: Yay! I have one listener now!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you have to be interesting though
zack6674: I would be
zack6674: I have a very interesting life story, and a whole lot of bad jokes to fill the radio with.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well bad jokes might not be a good idea
zack6674: See but here's the beauty, there bad when you hear them, but when you think about it, there actually funny...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: right.....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i bet they are
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Yeah, I was going no where with that
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what are you doin
zack6674: Writing in my online journal.
zack6674: u?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: checkers
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: are you writing in your journal about me
zack6674: Do you really want to know?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes
zack6674: I guess
zack6674: I probably shouldn't tell you, you would block me and not talk to me at work.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well maybe you shouldn't
zack6674: After I finish writing, I'll send you a link, it's not that bad.
zack6674: It will kind of explain things better
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: huh
zack6674: never mind, just talking
zack6674: or writing
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: But really, I'm not this werid... you just got me on a funky night
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: so how are you really
zack6674: Um, not goofy (excpet when I have a Coke), I have different sides, sometimes I like to talk politics, social issues, religion, sexuality, and sometimes I just like to sit around and joke and talk about people.
zack6674: j/k
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: all of that sounds cool
zack6674: Thanks
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you're welcome
zack6674: =)
zack6674: So what do you usually do on the weekends?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just hang out with friends or nothing
zack6674: cool
zack6674: So what do you all do, just hang out?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya just party and hang out
zack6674: So how's the love life been for you this summer? Any girls in the picture?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: occasionally
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: its alright
zack6674: No long term relationships? Just little flings?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: flings? lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i guess so
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Wait, maybe I should say... hookups?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya thats better
zack6674: Are they people from your school?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: not all the time
zack6674: Where do you meet them from?
zack6674: Sorry, am I being to nosey?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know. just wherever
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no its cool
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont go looking for them
zack6674: Good point.
zack6674: Have you been in a long term relationship before?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
zack6674: Why?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just cuz it never works
zack6674: I see
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya
zack6674: Oh, so, you would like it to work, but it just doesn't, or, you just don't want it to work. (like most guys)
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: little of both
zack6674: I see, I see.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: lol, I told you I ask a lot of questions.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya i see, i see
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I'm curious...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: howcome
zack6674: Because I am
zack6674: What ya doing?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just playing checkers
zack6674: Wow, you really do like that game.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes lol
zack6674: Ok, one thing you will learn about me is this, i do and say certain things that I shouldn't, but I like to be competely honest, it's always best that way.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: thats good
zack6674: So, I'm going to give you the link to my online journal, read the least entry, it wille xplain somethings, I'm not making you read it to say anything about you, it's just to get it off my chest so I can move on, and one day we can laugh about it.
zack6674: k?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: Don't be scared
zack6674: lol
zack6674: http://zack6677.blogspot.com
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Well maybe you should
zack6674: Tell me what you think when you read it.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i havent gotten there yet
zack6674: O

zack6674: Have you yet?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nope
zack6674: grr
zack6674: Why?
zack6674: ....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok im going right now
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: how do i get there
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I mad him mad!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok nvm
zack6674: Wait
zack6674: http://zack6677.blogspot.com
zack6674: click
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: where am i reading
zack6674: The first entry
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok i read
zack6674: And...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: interesting
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i really don't know what to say
zack6674: Well, just know that I now know where you stand, you don't have to worry, I just want laugh about it now.
zack6674: I just had to get it off my chest, it would eaten me alive,.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: its ok
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Thanks for being so understanding.
zack6674: So...
zack6674: How about them Braves
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know about them
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: they are doing good this year
zack6674: Really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya
zack6674: Cool
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what have you done all night
zack6674: My friend was talking me through this thing with you all night, then I wrote in my journal, then I checked my online banking crap, then I got ready for bed.
zack6674: U?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just checkers
zack6674: lol
zack6674: How can you play that one game for like four hours
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: thats what my mom ask
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i really don't know
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: You have got to find something to do with your time.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: like....
zack6674: Getting drunk, teaching Miguel how to drink, becoming a Hoe on Peachtree Street, learning your ABC's, becoming a dentist...
zack6674: the list goes on and on.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i guess so
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: but for now its checkers
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Go Luther!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: What are you doing tomorrow?
zack6674: Wellllll, I have to be up early, and your interst in the convo, I guess I shall talk to you later.
zack6674: Now, when we go to work, there won't be any weirdness, will there?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok goodnight
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no im cool
zack6674: Ok Good
zack6674: Well, have a goodnight
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you too

Well, of course once again I found out that life sucks! Am I ever going to find someone who is that special, intelligent, nice looking, caring, and funny person?! It just seems like there's one dead end after the other. I always misjudge people. I thought I was good at reading people, but I guess not. So, there’s someone at work. They had been giving me the eye, or what I thought was the eye. I had been flirting with them big time, I mean, I was laying it on thick. A touch here, some suggestive comments there. I had to hold back sometimes. I just KNEW it was being reciprocated! Well, I was big time wrong. Today I didn’t have to work, but it was payday. So I went to the B& N to pick up my check. As I was walking out the door, they called to me and I went over to talk. To make a long story short, by the end of the convo, we had exchanged e-mails and screen names. I thought I was doing something! I walked out of the store with a little pip in my step, I just knew I was on the road to something, and it wasn’t even something on the Internet! I spent the day with my cousin; she works for the local ABC channel. She was just showing me around showing me how the business works. But during the whole time I was there, I just kept thinking about going home and talking to him. Well, that time finally came; I got home, raced inside, got on the net, and put his screen name on my buddy list to see if he was on. He was, I gasped. I didn’t know if I should message him first or wait. Of course I couldn’t wait so I had to message him. We talked, I thought he was flirting (keyword: thought); we talked some more, joked. But as the convo went on, it became painfully obvious that this person didn’t play for the same ball team as me. So, to make it short, he isn’t, I lost, once again, life sucks, and I hate you all! Goodnight! =)

Today was so fun. I went to South Georgia College for the first time. It's small, but it's nice. Everyone there is super friendly and helpful, I think I will like there. Here's my schedule:
1) Information Systems Technology: (8:00 AM - 8:50AM) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
2) American Government: (11:00AM - 12:15AM) Tuesday and Thursday
3) Composition I: (11:00 AM - 11:50 AM) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
4) Humanities: (2:00PM - 3:15 P.M.) Monday, and Wednesday
5) Math 0097 (9:00 AM - 9:50 AM) ( Because my high school screwed me over, Thanks!): Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
Most of them are in the morning so I'm really excited! Yay, I can't wait to get down there!

It seems as if every time I start to have a little faith in human kind, something happens to SMASH it and I then think again that every one is going to hell, expect for me, a few others of course! j/k lol I came to this thought process as I was looking through XY (gay teen site) and I ran across this profile, I was like ok, this is cool. They had a link to their site, so I went there. There profile on the site was cool, it said they were from Georgia, went to Cornell... when he said he went to Cornell I thought, oh yeah, this person MUST be cool, if Ryan is going to that school, they must have morals and values, blah, blah. BOY was I wrong. As I read their entries it came apparent to little ole innocent me, that this person did drugs of some kind, had sex with people they called their tricks, and so on. Sometimes I feel like a complete stranger everywhere I go. It's like, I'm not pretty enough to be with gay crowd, I'm not black enough to hang with the blacks, I'm too poor to hang out with the whites ... ugh! But I'm not going to go into a Woe is me entry. But that's just how I feel.

Tomorrow I'm going to South Georgia for the first time. I sure do hope I like, seeing as how I'm going to spending two years there, I hope it's the best damn place I can be. It's going to take us fours to get there so were leaving at like 8:30, when I say we, I mean my Grandmother and her friend .... this leads me to another subject, some of you who read this, which I doubt there is, but let's just assume one of my friends from school read this. They would probably ask themselves ... "Hmmm, I wonder why Miguel's mother isn't going with him to visit the college he will be attending?" I'm glad you asked that, you want to know the answer ... BECASUE SHE IS IRERESPONSIBLE AND SHE NEEDS TO GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh My Freakin goodness, whenever I ask her for something, she acts like I'm fifty years old without a job begging for money. I'M STILL 17!!! THAT MEANS THAT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE AND CARE FOR ME, RIGHT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? Oh, Oh, and it just pisses me off when were together and she's like, "I can't wait for you to be famous so I can quit working and you can buy me a house." Ok, when was the last time she had job, when was the last time she was ACTUALLY looking for a job? Yeah, um hm, that's right, not in a damn long time! And...... I'm spent! (Not really, my fingers just hurt from banging the damn keyboard.)

Goodnight, and God Bless!

Well, I'm not as mad as before, I'm doing a lot better. I just hate that it's sooo hot. Well one thing that's getting on my nerves is my Mother, I swear she can make me mad like no other! It's like she has no understanding of how her choices will effect me. Err! BUT, back on to other things. For once today I was feeling a bit vain, so I asked my very good looking friend Jon to HONESTLY tell me what he thought about my looks. It was honest, but good honest:

zack6674: Can I ask you a question?
zack6674: I want you to be COMPLETELY honest with me.
Johnnydanger09: i'm scared
Johnnydanger09: you never ask if you can ask something
zack6674: You should be.
zack6674: lol
Johnnydanger09: this must be bad
zack6674: True
zack6674: Not really
Johnnydanger09: shoot
zack6674: But you have to be honest, and you know I'll know if your lying.
Johnnydanger09: go ahead
Johnnydanger09: i will be bluntly honest
zack6674: On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being lowest, 10 being highest, where would you rank me, and why? (It's a really superfical question, but I want some honesty.)
Johnnydanger09: 7 or 8
Johnnydanger09: you're intelligent
Johnnydanger09: you work hard
Johnnydanger09: you have a future
Johnnydanger09: which is more than a lot can say
zack6674: Very true
zack6674: Thanks
zack6674: =)
zack6674: :-D
zack6674: Are you really typing something?
zack6674: That's what the thing says.
Johnnydanger09: i don't find you all that atractive
Johnnydanger09: but i'm sure someone else does
Johnnydanger09: but you can worry a lot
Johnnydanger09: and sometimes you're a little high strung
Johnnydanger09: was that too honest?
Johnnydanger09: hello?
Johnnydanger09: miguel?
Johnnydanger09: are you in shock?
zack6674: No, your respones didn't go thorugh until now.
zack6674: I'm not in shock, I agree with you.
zack6674: It makes sense

I agree, like I said above. Everyone needs a little reality. Let's see, what else do I have going on? Thursday I go to my College to take some placement exams and look at the dorms. I'm really excited about that. I've been talking to some people from my old high school (I love saying that! Old High School) andddd, two people have gotten engaged. it's only been like four weeks since graduation, well more power to them! Well, it's late and I have work, I LOVE working at 'Barnes & Noble'! See-ya

One more note.... I hate people ... to be more specific ... I hate BOYS! Not men ... boys! Ugh!

**PLEASE BE ADVISIED: Miguel is in one of his bitching moods, so be advised that there will be lot’s of complaining, bitching, and possibly gossiping; you have been warned!**


Stupor, I was trying to look up the meaning of this word in the dictionary, but of course it wasn’t there. But I think we all know what being a stupor means. I feel like I’m in one now. I have so many things (for lack of a better word) to be thankful for. I have a job, I’m going to college (it’s all paid for!), I’m healthy, and I have my family. But of course, I’m not happy. I think it’s a few things. One major issue is boys. I’m tired of them and what one has to do in order to get one. Sometimes I feel as if I truly dislike gay people, or just people in general. It seems like no one is interested in me. I don’t want to make it a racial thing, because it’s not, but I’m mainly attracted to white guys, but are they attracted to black guys, of course not. There not racists by any means, they just aren’t attracted. So one could see how that could be a little frustrating at times. Sometimes I just feel like a little dork. On these stupid little gay teen websites I e-mail people’s profiles and I never get a response. I don’t know if it’s just me being overly sensitive, or … I don’t know, it just pisses me off. Oh yeah, I don’t think I’ve added this in here, but I broke up with Michael two weeks ago, so I’m single again. Yay. Or not. Let’s see, what else is pissing me off? You know what? I don’t think it’s one person, I think I’m going through a bitter stage. I’ve been in three doomed relationships and it doesn’t look like one is coming my way any time soon. I’m probably looking too hard. Here’s my little envy story of the day. There’s this guy at my church who I have been in Love with since I was like, three. Over the years he has become increasingly hott. I mean, I can barley look at him in church because I know some dirty little thought will cross my mind. Well, the story thickens. I have always felt this vibe from him, it’s tiny if not no existent, but I know SOMETHING is there. There have been countless times where he let his leg brush up and stay against my leg, his hand just happened to snake it’s way to my leg or something. But to the story, so today I went to see him so he could do something with my nasty facial hair (he’s very good at cutting hair). I walk in, and he’s wearing a wife beater (mmmmm), gym shorts that are halfway down in delicious butt. I was a tad distracted while we were talking. So he’s cutting or doing something to my facial hair, since my hair has gotten longer I have to hold my hair out of my face when I shave, so I was holding my hair with my hands, he put his hand on my hand. Oh My Goodness. It get’s better, he’s outlining my hair line so he has to stand up all the way, I got a FULL view of him! I just wanted to start licking! But I digress. The quality I like about him is that he can talk to anyone. He goes to a VERY urban school, he’s rather urban himself, but when we talks to me, he speaks proper English and I can understand him. I was supposed to let him do my facial hair and leave, I ended up staying and talking to him for two hours. By the end of the two hours I just wanted to JUMP on him. I was trying to hint at the fact that I was gay, but he would duck the hints and bring up another topic. One day …

I’m very excited and happy. I got the job at Barnes & Noble! YAY for me. Let’s see, oh yeah. Michael and I had a big talk today. We, or I guess I should say I was really close to ending it between us. There are just a lot of barriers that Michael and I have to go through to do anything together. I decided to stay together and in August, check to see where we are, and go from there. I’ll try to write more on this at a later date, it’s just really late and I don’t feel like trying to explain everything. Oh yeah, I’ve been talking to Mike; he’s a cool person who I think I could learn a lot from. At first I thought I might be attracted to him, I got a little worried, but I think the age difference (he’s 27) will keep me away, and the fact that I’m dating Michael! Tomorrow, or I should say, today, I’m going to a play with Jon and Brian. This should be fun.

Jealousy is not a word that is often used in my vocabulary, but tonight I felt the “green eyed” monster creep up into my mind. Michael and I are talking on the phone, it’s 10:40 P.M., and he gets a call on the phone and clicks over. It takes him about three or five minutes to click over. He informs me that it’s his very “queenly” friend Eddie—who, I might add just moved in down the street. Michael has always swayed back and forth on what he thought of Eddie, sometimes he would think he was a queenly fag, sometimes a slut, sometimes a good new friend. I was always ok with this, well until he told me that Eddie moved three houses down from him. Ok, I can handle that; I’m a mature person who can express what there feeling. Yeah right. So back to tonight, he tells me that Eddie is on the phone. Michael says something to the effect of, “Sorry it’s taking so long, you know how it is when two queens get on the phone together.” I can feel something brewing up inside of me, so course, and the passive aggressive Miguel just says, “Ok.” He clicks back over, three heartbreaking minutes later; he clicks back over and asks me what his work number is. Michael doesn’t say why he wants it, but I assume it’s so he can give it to Eddie. Ok, so now I know what that burning sensation in my stomach is, jealousy. I think this is why it’s hard for me to get close to people and reveal my true, innermost thoughts and feelings. I’m easily hurt. I have low self-esteem. I don’t like the way I look, I don’t think I’m smart, I think I’m fat, I just don’t see why any one would want me for anything, so when I find someone to has the least bit of interest, I pounce, and when they show friendly feelings to someone else, I get upset. Maybe I do have some strange emotional problems from my childhood. I don’t know. I just feel so worthless right now, and to have Michael get “closer” to this Eddie kid breaks my heart. I’m starting to think more and more about Michael, and that’s dangerous for me. I know that it’s not good for me to get to attached to some one, they usually lose interest or find someone better and I’m left to fend for myself. That’s what I feel like right now. Last Friday (May 23rd, 2003) was like the pinnacle of my high school or even teenage life. And now I’m stuck in this house, with no job, no money, no car, and no idea where I’m going to college next year. I could just sit here and bitch and moan about how they fucked me over, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere either. I want to give my usual motivational speech to myself and make myself get off my ass and get applying to jobs and start figuring out this SAT crap. But you know what, I’ve been screwed, as much success as I had in high school, I was screwed even harder. DAMNIT! When I think about it more it just pisses me off. This should be the best damn summer of my life, but no, I’m going to be here worrying about school next year. If I do get in, I then have to worry about where I’m going to buy stuff for college. When is life ever going to cut me break. When am I ever going to just be happy? Is there always something to worry about? Worrying, I’m so sick of that damn word. AHHH!!!

Wow, it’s amazing what television can do to a person. I just finished watching a special on Buffy and the final episode of “Dawson’s Creek.” I know this sounds stupid, but these two shows have defined my life for the past six years, and now their over. One thing I learned from the shows, seize the day. Things may not always go as planned, but you have to make every moment of the day as if it were your last. That saying is used a lot, but I think I truly understand the phrase. If things don’t work out the SAT situation, then I’ll go a different route. I won’t worry about it. If there’s something that I’m feeling, I need to get it off my chest. There should never be, “I need to wait for the right time.” It should be now or never. Now or never. That’s a hard phrase to live by, but we should. We never know when out time will be done. In the last episode of “Dawson’s Creek,” Jen died. I don’t know what it did to me, but it put me in this thought process of living life to the fullest. I don’t want to have any regrets, I don’t want to look back on my life and see wasted opportunities. I don’t know. This is just the little thoughts that were running through my mind.

It’s Sunday night and I’m sitting here trying to clean my room and get ready for another busy week

I’m sacred. Graduation is two weeks away and I still don’t know where I’m going to school next year. There’s so much pressure on me to do something and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Every one expects me to go to some big nice school, but in reality I’m going to go to a little two-year school. On graduation day when all of my family comes there going to be asking me what school I’m going to next year and there all going to be looking at me crazy when I tell them I don’t know and then there all going to want to give me advice on how to handle the situation. I don’t want to take the SAT’s again; I don’t feel like cramming for them in new weeks. I’m just disgusted with the whole situation. It’s making me angry. Right now, I think I have two options. Either I can take the SAT’s again and try to get into South Georgia College or Middle Georgia College, or I can attend Floyd College in Rome, Georgia. They would accept me no matter what, but the only thing about that school is that they don’t have any housing so I would have to get an apartment and I don’t have ANY money for that. Well unless I try to find some roommates or something. I’m not sure. Sorry for going on about this but it’s really getting to me now.

Prom was yesterday. That was very interesting. I went with Joel. So yes, two guys went to Prom together. It was fun. A lot of people didn’t act surprised, but we got a few stares from people when we were slow dancing. People would do double takes, stare, and then whisper. It didn’t bother me to too much. When we went to get out pictures taken the lady didn’t know how to place us, it was so funny. She just kind of had us stand next to each other. It was funny. After Prom we all (All means: Jon, Jenifer, Brian, Natalie, Joel, and Me.) went to Jon’s house and watched some movies. I had wayyyyy to many Oreos! My stomach was hurting after I finished eating like 20 cookies. But it was cool. So all in all it was a good night. I hope this week is a good one!

I think the one of my main goals of high school has been to be part of the “in crowd.” And by writing “in crowd,” I don’t mean the jock football players, I just mean the people who have fun, hang out, and just live life. I believe that has been one of the major reasons why I have done so many activities in high school, so I could live the “perfect” high school life. For this past year I have stayed at my friend’s Ryan’s house every Monday this whole year for student council meetings. It’s been very interesting being apart of his family and getting to know them and picking up their habits and traits. I would say that Ryan is farley popular at our school, we both are. But there are several key facts that separate us. One of these facts became very apparent to me this afternoon. When we got home from school he informed that we were going to play ultimate Frisbee, in the rain, with some of his friends. I was a little hesitant at first, but then I aggressed to go. The people who were there were all the people that you talk about in high school. The jocks, the brains, and all sorts of high cliques. As we got into our game of ultimate Frisbee, it became very apparent to me that even though everyone knows who I am, they don’t consider me one there own. When we were playing, everyone was joking and laughing with each other, tossing the Frisbee to each other, but not to me. Now don’t get me wrong, they were being assholes about it, I just think that since I’m not one of “them” they don’t really know how to interact with me. (I think that’s the right word?) Another point that I’m not one of them. Ryan has gotten several graduation party invites from seniors at school. Want to know how many I have received? One … from Ryan. Well now my whole little pissed off mood has kind of been changed. As I was writing this Ryan’s mom walked into the computer room and just told me that I was miracle and that I am very well respected at school and that I show very high signs of maturity. She’s referring to the whole thing about my mom, about how she was raped and how I was conceived from that. I sometimes wonder why I was put here on earth. Why do I have this thought process, why do I look the way I do, why do I talk the way I do, why do I feel the way I do, why do I believe the way I do? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, I may never know. All I can do is just hope that one day I will truly, truly be happy with the person I am and live life to the fullest.

The year is almost over. Not much more to go. But for me, these are going to be three busy weeks. While all the other seniors at my school are enjoying the next few weeks, I will be working my ass off on an assortment of projects and such. I just finished putting together the Video Yearbook today. I’m the Executive Producer of it; it has definitely been a challenging time putting that together. I can’t wait until they come back from the company where we get them copied. On Monday we get the yearbooks. Were very excited to see the yearbooks finally come in. We have to sort them all out, and then all of the seniors get there on Thursday at the senior picnic. I hope and pray that the senior picnic goes off with a hitch Thursday. It’s been raining a lot lately and I sure hope it doesn’t rain then! Michael and I are fine. We had a big talk about a week ago. It was almost over, but we talked it out and now were fine. I’m also very excited about Graduation, well of course for the obvious reasons, and also because I was picked to make a speech at graduation! I was so happy about that!! Yay for me.