It’s funny how some people are. How some people like to have all attention on them, no matter what the price, or who ends up being the bud of the joke.

Take for example tonight. Picture it: I’m getting out of my car in the parking lot, getting all of my stuff together to walk in to the dorm. The new gym is right beside the dormority; they both share the same parking lot. The group of “black” people come out of the gym. (I say “black” people because these are the African-American’s who believe that to be black you have to wear over seized t-shirts, have your pants hanging around your knees, and say words like, “Right thurr,” and “shauty.”) I’m walking with my happy self, smiling, just walking.

“Person with the backpack, Sedrick likes you!” I hear.
In my head, I think, Ok, I’m the only person walking with a backpack, hmmm, whatever.
“Look at the way that faggot walks.”
Ok, I think, Now I know there talking about me, there’s no one else around, shit!
So what do I do? I keep my little legs movin', I don’t even turn my head around. Maybe if I keep walking, don’t turn around, they won’t notice me and stop talking about me. No such luck, but, I finally reach the door to get inside the dorm, but not without hearing one more comment, “He wears them goddamn muscle shirts just like a fucking faggot.” Ok, first off, this little shirt is from Banana Republic [BITCH] secondly, this is NOT a muscle shirt, fucker! Anyway, I walk into the common room, and head straight for the C-Wing, where my lovely little piece of hell is located.

So, this is what I have to deal with. And you know what really sucks about the whole thing? I’m TOO damn passive aggressive! If I were at Roswell High, I would have whipped around, and given those bastards a real good tongue-lashing. [Not that type!] But here, I just can’t do it. AH! But I feel the anger simmering down their in the pit of my stomach, it’s building, oh yes it’s building, and one day I’m just going to lose it. Then they can really see what a gay person is like; see how bitchy we (not all) can get. Until then I channel my anger to the computer, for this blog, annnnd for the The South Georgian; that’s the school newspaper. I forgot to write in here that I am officially the Editor-in-Chief! Go me! So I have that as an outlet for my anger. But after that little incident, I came to my room, put on my Christina Aguilera cd and banged away at the computer keyboard. AH! The stupidity of people is just amazing. What really gets me is the fact that NONE of them have ever spoken a word to me. Gosh, if you’re going to talk about me, at least introduce yourself! Bitches!

After listening to number 20 (‘Keep on Singin My Song’) from Christina Aguilera’s latest cd, I felt a little better. I just LOVE that song! These lines just get me every time, “I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and nobody’s gonna bring me down today.” “I believe they can take anything from me but they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace from me…they can say all they wanna say about me, but I’m gonna carry on, I’mma keep on singin’ my song” YES girl! (Gay moment) I’mma gonna keep on singin my song and ain’t (yes, I just typed ain’t on purpose) NOBODY gonna take MY inner peace. Oh yes…..

A LOT happened this weekend. It was a good weekend. I had fun this weekend. I wish it were still this weekend. HA! I’m trying some new technique of writing that my English professor is trying to bang into our heads, I think it’s working, or not. Anyhow, I DID have a wonderful weekend. This was the weekend that I went to Atlanta and spent the whole time with Cory. I didn’t even go home. I got us a hotel and we there, did homework, hung out, talked. That’s it. Think what you want. I am not some cheap who would travel four hours to get sex, I’m a much deeper person then that. HA! No but really it was fun, it was good to know that we could spend 24 hours together and still get along, so that makes me happy. But once again, it was a VERY fun time. We talked, did stuff, talked, did stuff, worked on homework, did stuff, ate, did stuff, slept, did stuff, went home. Well it wasn’t that much, I do have my limits. But yay, Go CORY!

SOOO for some reason I have been on this UGA kick. For some reason it seems as if UGA is calling my name, but I’ve had my heart set on Emerson for the past two years. A lot of my teachers and friends here have been telling me that I shouldn’t have come to SGC, that I should have went to UGA. I went online and did some research on UGA and it seems like a really good school. And I don’t know if I want to continue being a Communications major or changing it to journalism. I wonder if I can do broadcast journalism, but if I do that then it might be hard for me to go for a Public Relations job if I have a Broadcast journalism degree, but that's if I decide to go that route. AH! So many choices. But I’m supposed to being going to UGA in October for this Theater Conference. It will be my first visit up to Athens, so I guess I shall see if I like it up there.

One more issue to deal with. My disorder. Well maybe not a disorder, more like an infatuation. My infatuation with food. I can’t stop freaking eating. I love food. If I could marry a freaking hamburger I would. I would dress it up in ketchup, mayo, and mustard, oh yes, and don’t forget the pickles. Put the burger in a nice dress, walk the yummy little piece of cow down the aisle, and go to TOWN with it that night on the honeymoon. But really, I wonder if maybe I do that problem with wanting to eat so much. I mean right now it’s 12:57 AM and I’m sitting here wondering if I should go to Mickey D’s (Is it me, or does it seems as if only black people refer to McDonald’s as Mickey D’s?) But right here, in my cell room at South Georgia College I make a pledge to:

1) Not eat after 6:00 P.M.
2) Not eat more then three hamburgers a week.
3) TRY to at least eat one vegetable a day.
4) Start off drinking one bottle of water a day, and progress every two weeks to another bottle of water.
5) STAY AWAY FROM CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIES (But I just have to have more from the café, and that’s it!)
6) ONLY eat three meals a day.
7) No SNACKS!
8) Umm…I can’t think of anything else, I guess that’s it.

No this isn’t a let’s lose weight thing (who am I kidding, of course it is!), it’s a let me be more healthy so I can walk up the one flight of stairs to my room and not be out breathe thing. SO…I start tomorrow…. after my chocolate chip cookie tomorrow morning!

I have nothing in particular to write about, but I just felt like typing. Hmmm….let’s see. I’m really bored right now... I’m sitting in the Student Activities office at my computer doing nothing. This is like my hang out place. I don’t really like hanging out in the dorms, so I come here. I might be coming home this weekend. But it all depends on what happens with Cory. I hope I do get to go; it will be like a mini-vacation before things start to get crazy here at school. Were having auditions for “The Laramie Project: A Play,” next Monday and Tuesday. I’m not sure if I want to audition yet. I have a lot on my plate and that would just add a whole lot to it, but I would just love to get a part and be able to perform in such a wonderful play.

It’s really cool to finally be 18 and be able to do what ever you want. Well some whatever. But it’s cool to know that I COULD do whatever I wanted. I’m usually in bed by 11:30 or 12:00, I just don’t see the excitement in staying up until 2:00 A.M. and then having to wake up at 7:30 for an 8:00 Class. Everyone’s different I guess. Well it seems as if I have rambled on enough.

I just don’t understand the stupidity of some people, or I guess I should say the ignorance of people. …. I think I’m sacred. I’ve never been sacred for my safety when it comes to being gay. I’ve always held on to this belief that God would always come through for me, I still believe that, I’m just afraid of the evil in some people.

I moved into the C-Wing Saturday night; I moved over here because I’m the new RA for the 2nd floor C-Wing so it requires me to live here on the wing. [Side note: C-Wing 3rd & 2nd floor is the whole baseball team] Sunday a bunch of the baseball players knocked on my door and asked who I was and what I was doing here, but they way they asked it wasn’t mean or anything, I thought they were genuinely being nice by asking who I was. One of the players asked if I smoked, I said, “No.” Another asked if I drank, again, I said, “No.” In a collective sigh they all said, “damn!” I laughed, and then said, “I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but I’m here for a reason, so if I see you doing something like that, then I have no choice but to report you.” They then looked at me in frustration and of course vocalized their “damns” and “shits.” Someone reached around to their back pocket and pulled out a wad of cash as to infer that I take the money to be quiet about their illegal activities, I simply laughed and shook my head. They all then dispersed to their rooms. I didn’t think anything of the what had transpired, I thought my first “meeting” was a success... I guess I was wrong.

When you come from outside into the dorms you have to walk through the common room to get to your wing. I’m in the C-Wing so I have to walk across the other side of the common room. As I was reaching the C-Wing door I heard someone make a funny, flamboyant, feminine voice and say, “I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but I’m here for a reason…” I walked inside the C-Wing door and stopped to listen, they couldn’t see me, even if they had, I don’t think they would have cared if I had heard them. But I THINK, I heard them say something to the effect of faggot and that they were going to try and pull a prank…I’m not sure, but that’s what I THINK I heard at the end. I hate when that happens, I get so upset I can’t really think and remember situations. I came to my room and just sat on my bed.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give in and go to another school because of the bad stuff that’s happened to me here so far. I mean it’s only been a few incidents but I’m not used to this, I’m used to everyone liking me and not giving a rat’s ass about my sexual orientation. I know my mom would be more then happy to come and get me, but I just can’t do that. If I decided to move, that would be kind of like a message to all the hick ghetto folk here that gays are weak and can’t take the heat. I don’t want to send that message; suppose someone comes here next semester after I’ve packed up my shit and hit the highway and they start to mercilessly tease that person because of their sexual orientation. I just simply can’t let that happen.

This is what I think. I think God let me have a very easy time with the whole coming out process to prepare me for this. I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance from everyone in my high school, I felt so loved. I think I have to tap into that feeling of love in order to get through all the shit I think I might have to endure while I’m here. It’s going to be tuff, but I pray that God sees me through this safely. I pray that he teaches these people acceptance and love, I pray that he gives me an inner peace to be able to deal with all the crazy crap I might be store for. I just pray that God stays with me.

***After thought [a couple of hours later] Right now I’m feeling a sense of empowerment. You know, it doesn’t matter if I have to fight this battle alone, after everything is said and done I will have the satisfaction that I can overcome anything. This is just another chapter in my life where I’m going to trample over adversity. Fuck these country ass rednecks. I came here to get my education and transfer to Emerson College, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to use every avenue possible to make sure that my stay here at South Georgia College is enjoyable (and maybe teach these people about tolerance). NO ONE, I mean NO ONE is going to run Miguel F. Fuller from anywhere. I’ve survived through hell twice, I can do it again. Hell fuckin YES!

The past few days have been cool...nothing much to report. Today I worked with Phillip and everyone to start the Haunted House. It's in an old dorm... it's really scary; I know it's going to be really fun when it's all done. Tonight I moved over to the C-Wing, to the none black wing. I swear, I think the B-Wing 1st floor is ALL black people....I've asked the RM if they did that on purpose and he swears that it just happened like that..hmmm... well it doesn't matter, I'm not there anyway...I think next week I start my duties as RA....awesome..I thought that we only got paid $250 a semester (sp?), but it's actually $250 a month, it's not a lot for a month, but for just having to walk around and write people up, which I will (MUHAHAHA), I think that's damn good. Cory, Cory, Cory, Cory, Cory...that's how my brain works now...that's all I think about now...I'm so excited for us...YAY! Oh, I had my first two college quizzes last week..one in Political Science and one in English, or I should say Composition 1102…. it’s really ironic how in high school I thought I was the shit in English, I get here and it feels like I’ve only had English lessons in Elementary school and just stopped there! But it’s cool…I’ll find out next week how I did on the quizzes… But yeah....I'm in Tyler's room and he's looking at me like, "Get the F%$# out my room!" So I think I'll end it here.... I'm really tired too....

Well things have gotten A LOT better since yesterday. I just LOVE how life can bring so many different ups and downs! Well, like I mentioned in my last post, Cory and I got together this weekend. I’m SUPER excited about us being together. It feels so right when the two of us are together. When we were just riding around with each other Sunday night, we both agreed that it seems like we’ve known each other for years…aww it’s so awesome. I already miss him! I can’t wait to see him again!

So yesterday I got that nasty note that just set me off and made my day horrible, but it got better! Last night I found out that one of the RA’s got fired because he was drinking with the some of the soccer players (dumbass). So there was a vacancy for that job…well of course knowing me and how I just LOVE to swoop in and take over, I talked to our Resident Manager and asked him what the laws are about incoming Freshman being RA’s, he says he doesn’t really care what they are. He thinks I’m a pretty nice guy and could do a good job, so, I’m the new RA for the C Wing! AWESOME! That’s a PAYING job also, SO not only am I getting paid for being an RA, I’m also getting paid to be the Graphics Director…. To just make the day even better, we had out first newspaper meeting today. The adviser lady is really cool and sweet. She appointed me and my friend Tyler as the Layout Editor’s; she said we could do anything with the layout of the paper! THEN, she said that there might be a chance that I could be Editor –In-Chief- this semester! ME, FRESHMAN, MIGUEL, EDITIOR!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! PLEASE keep your fingers crossed! She liked my writing’s that I showed her, so that’s a plus. And she’s also going to let me have my own column, “Miguel’s Soapbox.” HELL YES!!! AND, to just put the cherry on top, Phillip, the Activities Director, told me today that the play I suggested South Georgia do this fall, “Laramie Project: A Play,” is going go on. We are actually going to be doing that play this fall! OH FREAKIN YEAH!!!! I’m SO excited right now! Now I just have to make sure I keep my grades up! Emerson College is just going to eat my resume up, I HOPE! lol

You know what would make this day PERFECT?!??! If I could talk to CORY!!!!!!!! I miss him!

Why? Why are some people small-minded? Or better yet, what makes people do stupid ass things? I’m just really curious as to why. I’ve been gone this whole weekend. I went back to Atlanta for Labor Day weekend. It was wonderful. I got to see my family one more time, I got to listen to Q100 for one more time, and I got’s me a boyfriend! YAY for me. Cory and I made it official, that were exclusive September 1st. On the way back to school Lisa and had so much fun laughing and talking. I couldn’t feel any better, but of course something has to bring it all crashing down. As I open my door to come into my room with an armload of stuff, I notice a piece of paper on the floor. I get excited; maybe it’s my first piece of mail! I bend down; pick up the note, which is on a white sheet of paper and it’s in computer writing, and it reads. “We Love Dick If Interested See Room 104 in B Wing. Ask for Kinyata!” What the motherfuckin hell! I am SOOO pissed right now. This small motherfuckin minded pricks! But you know what, if they want to battle with me, let them bring it on. I’m ready for anything they can dish out; I just hope they can take it all back! Stupid ignorant fools! But I don’t care, I’m too tired to even sit and think about these little games they want to play….

BITCH!!!! How the fuck can this little skinny ass white boy laugh at me! Ok, now let’s look and examine the situation at hand. Your white, skinny, white, silent, and ugly looking. How the HELL can you laugh at me when your little skinny white ass is hanging out with some [big] black thugs! How the HELL does that look? What NOW bitch! Ok, I need to calm down …. This school has its good and bad qualities, and sometimes the bad qualities out weigh the good. The teachers have been awesome, they seem like they really want to help, but you have these people here, students, who act like there still stuck in high school! Oh My Goodness, it’s like, come on now…are we here to sit around and talk about people, or to get an education?! GET A LIFE!!!! But anyway… other then little prick people acting stupid, everything is wonderful. My math class is great. The teacher really wants to see us do well. He is basing 10% of our grade on out Notebooks! OH MY GOD!!! I had an orgasmic flow go through me when he said that! I thought me getting points for my neatness was over, but I guess it continues here in two-year school. lol My friend Lisa said one comment that basically summed up the way people view school here….”Every one that’s walking around going to class here at South Georgia College is here because of some mishap in high school…or in life, because of that, most of the people treat it like 13th grade instead of college.” She is SO right. It’s not your typical open-minds type place. Douglas, Georgia + Small Town= Small Minds.

**I wrote this Monday night, August 25th, 2003 @ 11:03 P.M.**
It’s funny how little things in life can set you off and PISS you off. That’s what I’m feeling right now. A little pissed off…it’s probably nothing, but it really got to me. When I first got here and was talking with one of my older friends here Lisa. She told me, don’t stay in the common room too late, people start hanging out and talking about other people. You don’t want to be caught up in that drama. Sure enough, who got caught up in it? Tonight, I was just walking across the room to go use the phone. All of a sudden I hear these giggles…I ignore them, giggles are a common thing you will hear in a college common room… but as I’m walking away I look into the window that I’m walking towards, and through the reflection I see most of them that are sitting on the couch looking at me and laughing. WHAT THE FUCK?! My whole little rant is this, why and the hell are you going to sit and laugh at someone who has done NOTHING to you?! I mean, have I uttered a bad word, or given anyone a dirty look? NO! Sometimes it just makes me so sad to see how black people treat each other. It’s like, were all black, were all going through the same struggle, can we not just get along with each other? I guess not. Some people feel that the only way they can have fun is to smoke weed or laugh at other people. But you know what? Who gives a fuck who they laugh at! I’m here to get my fucking education! My Damn DEGREE! They can kiss my wonderful brown black ass!

Does anyone read this? If so, please leave a shout out....I feel lonely here in Blog Town.

Okayyy, so my first day in college. Well it was a bit low key from what I was expecting. I hope my first day is not foreshadowing what’s going to be the norm for me. SO, here’s what happened to me today. Got to the college around 2 PM. My mother and I moved all my boxes into the dorm. (Side note: my roommate didn’t move in today, so I have an empty room.) I really do have probably way more then I need. But I see it like this, everyone has to go through some type of freshman rituals, and mine seemed to be over packing. **Let’s hope I can avoid the Freshman 15!** after we finally finish lugging all my boxes and crap into the room, my Grandmother, Mother, and I head to the all-you-can-eat buffet! Oh yeah, only the classy for us! We eat, talk, laugh, and have fun. They bring me back to the school and we say our goodbyes. I walk back to an empty room, just my stuff looking at me. Fun. I prop my door open in hopes of someone coming to talk to me. Of course no one does. I then start putting my computer up and organizing my desk. After I’ve finished that arduous task, I climb into my bed just to see what it feels like. Next thing I know I wake up and it’s like three hours later! I was really tired. I go into the common room and get on the computer to check my e-mail and what not. This girl who’s sitting next to me starts talking to me and we have a cool conversation. SO basically, for the next two hours I stay in he common room on the computer watching TV, talking to a few people. It’s 11:00 so I call it an evening and head back to my room. I’m sitting in my room reading and I decided that I wanted my Jack Johnson cd, which is in my car (I LOVE saying that, MY car!). I walk out, and go through the common room. I SWEAR I think I saw a keg sitting somewhere against the wall! I don’t know…am I just stupid…do other things come in Kegs? Like Sprite or something?!? People are drinking and sitting around, not my scene. Oh God, did I do the right thing? Hopefully some more people will come tomorrow who I can talk to!

I just got here like three hours ago. Um, it's a little different. We had like three days where we could move in and it looks like no one moved in today except for me and all the upper classman. I feel kind of, I don't know. I started to put my room together and thought I would take a break to e-mail some folks. I got my car yesterday, it's a 2001 Mitsubushi (I can't spell it!) Mirage! It's cherry red. It's SO awesome! I am SO thankful to God for all that he has done for me! Well, I've been alsleep in my room for the past three hours. I haven't done much socialing (sp?), but there's always tomorrow. We don't have net connection in our rooms, we have to use the computers in the common room, but they have NO AIM!!!! OH MY GOD!!! That's all I've done this summer! Well, I guess it's good, it forces me to go outside my room and meet new people. My roomate didn't come today so hopefully I'll meet them tomorrow. I feel like an outsider, me with my big afro and proper accent!! While I was moving in today, all I kept thinking about was, 'Did I make the right decision?' 'Am I doing the right thing?' I hope so. Well I wonder when he gay question will come up?
Well I'm going to go and TRY and meet some new people!

Sooo I’ve tired to refrain from writing about Cory, but I can’t anymore! I wish I were talking to him right now! Ugh! I wish we both had cell phones! He came to see me at work today, it was so cool! We have a lot in common and our conversations are easy and flow well. There aren’t any awkward pauses or anything. He’s so cool…but I’m trying to not get my hopes up. I don’t want to get hurt again. Some even more good news, I bought a car today! YAY! I can drive around now! I’m SO excited! I get it Wednesday! YAY for me! But yeah, I’m really happy and I hope I get to talk to Cory tonight.

Well just when life seemed like it couldn't suck anymore, it takes it big wet mouth full of nails and puts it on my head...no silly, not that head...THAT head...yes, er...so any who... So I'm sitting here at my computer, again and I look at the clock, it's reads: 1:21 A.M. How fun. Me sitting at my computer once again... But yeah, I leave next week...how exciting. I'm feeling so many things right now...one would probably have to be frustration...I don't just don't feel like typing out exactly why I feel the way I do, but here's a little list of things that frustrate me right now: people who are confusing, me getting mixed signals, me reading too much into things, being alone, feeling ugly, being ugly, feel stupid, feeling worthless, having a some what crappy childhood, having a sometimes crappy mother, being poor, liking people who will never like me, going to a two-year school, being gay, being black, being black and gay, people at my church who won't understand me, money, people, and once again, just to get my point across, people.

It feels so werid to think that everyone is moving on to the next level in their lives. Most of the people who are going o UGA left today. I feel like I'm just stuck until next week. But it's cool, I have some time to just get myself to together. I haven't even started packing. I don't know what to take! I have so much crap, I have no idea what I'm supossed to pack! But it's cool.

I’m so tired right now. You would think that working at Barnes & Noble wouldn’t be that physically demanding…HA! I’m so exhausted right now! After I finish typing this I’m heading RIGHT to the bed. Well, by this time next week, or I should say by next Tuesday I should be in new car! YAY! God is giving me a break and giving me what I want! I’m so excited! It’s a 2001 Mirage…oh I can’t wait to get in it and drive around…only a week! I talked to my Uncle (the one with LOT’S of money and he agreed to move me into school next week. I’m so really excited about that. August 21st, 2003 I will be moving into South Georgia College! YAY for me! There’s some other stuff going on, but I’m just wayyy to tired to type it out. I’ll save it for tomorrow.

I hate people. I try to be happy, but it doesn't work. I feel like shit. Ah....I just...I don't know... Everything can be so good at one moment and then the next it feels like everything is shit.

Ya know, there are a lot of things in this world that I will just never understand. For one, why does it seem like that most of the time black guys are attracted to white guys, but the white guys usually are not interested in the black guys? I don’t know, in just talking with some African-American gay males and reading up on it, this just seems to be the norm all over the place. My question is this, why is that? Why does it seem like the majority of the black guys are attracted to white guys, and why aren’t the white guys attracted to the black guys? Hmmm…I have no clue. Well, I can speculate, but it’s probably way off base.

Ya know, there’s something else that bothers me. Pretty people. I’m so tired of seeing these cute people all over the Internet and TV. They’re the reason why so many people starve themselves and never feel like they have any self worth. But not really, it’s not the pretty people’s fault, they can’t help it. I guess I’m just jealous!

There are a few issues that I want to star writing about in here to see what they look like on paper, or I should say on the screen…

The funeral: Well that was quite an ordeal. I don’t want to really talk about it a lot, but I can say that Mrs. Kay died for a reason. It sucks a lot that she had to go, but there’s a reason why; hopefully I’ll get to see her in heaven one day and I pray that she knew that I loved her.

It’s time for me to hit the sack.

So um yeah, the funeral is tomorrow. I don’t really know what to think. This will be my first funeral. I don’t know what to wear or how to act. Do I wear all black? Do I act super sad? Do I smile? Do I say I’m sorry to Mrs. Kaye’s husband? Well I guess I’ll find out what to do tomorrow.

On a brighter note here are a few dates that are very important to me: August 22nd, 2003. My 18th Birthday! YAY! I can buy porn and cigs! But too bad I won’t buy either, and I probably won’t stay out past midnight since I can. Part of the reason why I won’t be staying out late and buying sinful products is because I will be in college on campus then. I move in on the 21st so I’ll be in school. SO yeah, I’m going to spend my 18th birthday in college and not knowing anyone. Sounds like fun? I guess. Well I’m tired and have to try to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow.

Goodnight.

This is how bored I've gotten, I've posted my picture on "Hot or Not." Hmmm... I wonder how it will go over with the people who see it. I'm a little sacred! Well, I'll see. But if you like to vote, here's the link: Am I Hot or Not?

Tragedy. You never when it’s going to hit, or whom it’s going to hit.

Today I went into work, got off at 2. Went to pick up my friend Stephanie so we could go shopping for school. I got everything I needed. We had fun laughing about old times and such. I got home to show my Grandmother what all I had bought. I spent a total of $172.20 today. I was proud that I was able to get so much and still be under budget. My Grandmother, Stephanie, my grandmother’s friend, Ms. Weston, and myself were just sitting around talking about college. The phone rang. My Grandmother picked it up, so Stephanie and I went into my room so I could her show her this year’s yearbook. I walk back into the living room and my Grandmother is sitting on the couch with this sad faraway look in her eyes as she’s talking on the phone. It doesn’t really register in my brain yet. I look over at Ms. Weston who’s sitting next to my Grandmother on the couch, and she mouths something to me. I can’t understand what she’s saying; I move closer, I still can’t understand what she’s saying. She speaks up and says, “Stella passed away.” I look at her in confusion and ask, “Mrs. Kaye?” She slowly nods her head, yes. Shock. Terror. Heartbreak. Disbelief. Sadness … all this ran through my mind in the ten seconds that it took for me to turn around and walk back into my room. I couldn’t, well I can’t believe it. My Godmother, Mrs. Kaye, is gone. I won’t hear any more stories about how when I was a baby she would have to wear a raincoat when picking me up because I would spit upon her. At my daycare, she was the only person who could put me to sleep. Or when my mother was labor and she screamed that she wanted a hamburger and Mrs. Kaye ran downstairs to the McDonald’s and bought her a hamburger and my Mother had only taken one bite and said she was done. I was born shortly after. No more stories. No more smiles. No more calls. How could this happen? What do I do? Do I smile? Do I cry? Do I think? I just don’t know. This is the first time anyone near me has died. She was just in the hospital to do some checkups or something.

Life’s a bitch, but you have to take it by the balls and take control. Live life. LAUGH! No more petty crap. Live life.

I Love you Mrs. Kaye. I want to hear that story one more time.

FUCK FUCK FUCK…. ONCE AGAIN I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND IT DOESN’T WORK!!! It hurts, rejection. Do you know that feeling? The numbness inside, that dizzy feeling, it’s as if someone has clubbed you in the back of the head. Tears form, but don’t come out…do you know that feeling? Well I do, and you know what? It sucks fucking ass.

Here’s what was just said: yeah...well...the thing is...I really really like you...and think you are a great person and we have SOO much in common that it scares me....but i feel that we could only be friends for each other...nothing more...i know you at least KINDA feel the same way....i just really feel that we would be better friends for each other than anything else...i hope this isnt all kindsa sudden and stuff....and i REALLY hope we can remain friends and hopefully in the future maintain that friendship...

The paragraph that killed it all. Brandon just wrote that to me. Don’t you just love the world and how it just screws you right up the ass? Oh, it’s just so FUCKING fun! Can anything go right in my life? Can it? I just don’t even have energy to even be pissed. Why should I? I mean, why in the world would someone want me? Now, let’s think about it ... what could I possibly offer to someone? Am I smart? No. Do I look good? No. Do I have money? No. Am I good at anything? No. Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen, the reasons why Miguel will forever be alone with himself. Oh, and let’s not forget the loads of self pity Miguel sprays over the place. But yeah, life is good, life is fun, gotta love it!

FUCK IT!

Yesterday (Thursday) when I went into work (Barnes & Noble), everyone knew something was wrong with me. As I walked into the door, a co-worker stopped me, looked into my eyes and asked me if I was ok. I politely answered “ok” and continued my walk back to the break room to drop my bags before I went to clock in. Someone else stopped me in the break room to ask if I was ok. By this time, I had to ask myself I was ok. I thought I was. Nothing had happened to make me go into one of my pensive non-talkative moods. Or had it?

Later on after I had clocked in I was in the counting room and the Cassandra turned and asked me if I was ok. I asked her what made her think something was wrong with me. She then started to say that it looked like I was thinking about something deep and that it must be worrying me. I didn’t know of anything at the time. As we walked up to the front of the store, she stopped me and asked, “So what’s the guy’s name?” Indicating that it must be a guy that had me all sad and what not. No guy had me upset, I was thinking and didn’t know it. As I was up in the cashier place thinking about what could make me look so sad… and I figured it out.

The past two days I have been back and forth between work and Ryan’s house. Going to his house, talking to him and our friends reminded me how little I had. But as I type this I think there’s more to issue. To just simply suggest that I’m jealous or bitter over what they have would be just hitting the surface of the issues. Going to Ryan’s birthday dinner and seeing him receive love and acceptance from his family was kind of a wake up to me. His father, mother, and brother seemed so happy to be celebrating his birthday. When he got home he cards waiting in the mailbox from family members that live in other states. By the next day he told his mother that his 18th birthday was his best. His best. His best. His best.

Now, let’s rewind to my 17th birthday last year.


Exactly, there’s nothing to write about. Nothing happened, no one said Happy Birthday, no one sent any cards, no one called, no one e-mailed, no one anything. Now, this isn’t the only time this has happened. When it comes to situations and me where family is involved, I’m usually left out. Let’s go through the list of the actives that I did and who from my family came to see me: ‘Goys & Dolls’ None came. The hundred chorus concerts we did, none came. ‘The World We live in” (a play) no one came. I can’t think of anything else, but do you see what I mean. Oh wait, I forgot, Graduation…. only half of them came. Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself here, I need to take some of the blame ... I didn’t tell them when I had plays, musicals, concerts, and whatever going on. But wait, did they call to even check with me. No. It just hurts to see that some people get so much love and support from their families. I mean, the real, I LOVE YOU no matter WHAT type love. The I WILL BE THERE FOR ANYTIHNG, or the CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING type LOVE, the LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A CALL TO SEE HOW YOUR DOING type LOVE. I never had that, and sometimes it feel like I never will. Sometimes it just feels as if I’m here to make people laugh, (sometimes) and that’s it. Sometimes it feel’s like I’m incapable to love or to be loved. There’s just this sadness inside that I don’t know about, but comes out everyone now and then to show it self.

I just don’t think there are words to describe how I’m feeling right now. I want to cry, but can’t. I can’t cry. Sometimes I wish I could, so I could just let everything out.

I’m just so tired…

The past two nights I have stayed at Ryan’s house. We wanted to hang out before we went to school. Well yesterday (7/30/03) was Ryan’s 18th birthday. He had a little dinner some friends, his parents, and brother. That was really cool. The food was really fancy, but I actually liked it! So afterwards we went to Ryan’s Club house for the weekly game of poker that him and some friend’s play. I didn’t play because I didn’t want to get my ass kicked! So I just sat there and watched them play. It was boring, but it also wasn’t the most exciting thing I’ve done! But before we drove up to the club house, Ryan warned me that his friend Fred was going to be REALLY hot! (What’s funny about this is Ryan isn’t guy, but he comments on guys, its cool though. lol) OH MY GOD, he was. I don’t even know how to describe it, he’s so hot that he makes you want to go and slap your mama! But he’s SO not gay, but it was cool just to look. But yeah, they just sat around, played poker and smoked cigars. I didn’t smoke; I just can’t bring myself to do stuff like that. But after they finished playing poker, a lot of people left and only Fred (the hot one!), Linc, and Michael stayed. Fred and Michael got into the pool and the three of us just around and started to talk. They were talking man “dirty” talk. About how they do it, where they’ve done, and all that good stuff. Of course I didn’t tell any of my stories; they probably really wouldn’t want to hear it. So we just went home and went to sleep. So it was a fun day. But I feel bad; I haven’t talked to Brandon in two days. He ran through my mind a lot these past few days. I need to e-mail him and make sure he knows that I’ve just been at someone’s house, not avoiding him. I really hope this turns into something, but then I’m scared since I leave for school in a few weeks. But who knows what life will bring me!

SO.... I went out on another date with Brandon yesterday (Sunday). This was just as cool...not as "movie" like as the last one, but just as cool and informative. So we decided for a more simple date this time...we were just going to do dinner and a movie. I went to his to pick him. I walked up to his front door and rung the doorbell. The first thing I see is his mother's head pop up in the window of the door. A little shocked, and sacred, I simply did a little shy nod. (Side note: I've never met anyone in his family AND his mother doesn't know he's gay) I walk inside and his mothers standing there along side his sister. He's standing in the room looking like he just wants to rush out the house. So his mom asks me where I'm from and jokes around saying she just wants to know who her son is hanging out with...I try my best to turn on my parent charm...I think it works! So we leave and go to the movie theatre. Oh yeah, since I work at Barnes & Noble I have a nice little employee discount, so I thought it would be cool to buy Brandon "A Density of Souls" by Christopher Rice, so I gave that too him in the car. It was wrapped with a card and everything. He really liked it ... he even said that I would get a hug for it! I got so excited by that! (You can tell it doesn't take much to make me happy!) We then went to the movie theater to see what time the movie was going to be playing. I then drove us to one of my best friend’s job so Brandon could meet Jenifer, and so I could say hi to her. They both seemed to like each other. I was very pleased with that! We then went to ‘Moe’s Southwestern Grill’ and had dinner. Conversation was light, but fun. Then it came time for the movie, we saw ‘Bad Boys 2.’ The movie was SOO funny! But, I couldn’t focus all my attention to Will Smith and Martin Lawrence; I was busy thinking about Brandon. I didn’t know if I was supposed to hold his hand or put my arm around him! I felt like one of those kids on a TV show whose on his first date and doesn’t know where they should put their arm around the girl. But in the end I didn’t… But we left and I drove him home. On the way driving him home we talked a bit but we both were kind of in a pensive mood, just sitting listening to the music and thinking. When I drove up to his house, I got my hug (YESSSSSS!) and he told me to call him when I got home. So I got home, called him, and we talked for about three hours. Very good conversation. I learned a lot of valuable information about him and his personality. His personal creed is, “Don’t Dig too deep … just let it flow.” SO I have to just let it flow, which is going to be hard since I like him so much. One thing that I’m scared about is my getting attached too fast and it not being returned. I just HAVE to take my time.

Yesterday I finally bought the Christina Aguilera cd. Wow. Wow. Wow. This cd is so awesome. It has so much pain, happiness, and just about any other emotion you can think of in it. The last song, “Keep on Singin My Song,” is the like the new theme for my life:

“I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
And nobody’s gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothing’s been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlook’s gonna change
That’s why I’m gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I’ve cried every time somebody hurt my pride
Feelin like they won’t let me live life, and take the time to look at what is mine…..

That’s just the beginning, the whole song is just so wonderful; it makes you want to go out and fight the good fight, change your life for the better, save the rain forest, run for President, fight an army, fall in Love. It’s just THAT good!

Ok, now that I’m done worshiping Christina, let me explain what happened yesterday. Brandon and Miguel’s day. Well I went to the College Park train station to pick him up. He lives in Decatur, both we both agreed that we wanted to drive up to Lenox together. So I picked him up around 1:35. It was out first meeting in person so we were both a little shy at first. We got in the car and went off to Lenox. Our conversation was good on the way up to Lenox, it was still a bit forced and shy, but we were slowly becoming more comfortable with each other. We decided to visit Phipps first. We went in looked around, talked some more. I saw Emily there! By now we were laughing and have a wonderful time. It was that time, time to EAT! We went to Lenox to eat at this place called, “The Clubhouse.” We saw this old, white, Buckhead socialite eating lunch with her husband. It was quite a site to see. Imagine Karen Walker from ‘Will & Grace’ with about thirty more years, yeah, it was a bit gross. She had on all this makeup, and…. Sorry, getting off subject. But during lunch we talked about our family histories and such. It was very interesting to hear about his families past and such. We then went and looked around Lenox, that’s where I bought the Christina CD. Good move! SO we left there, neither of us wanted the day to end, so he came up with the idea of going to Outwrite Books downtown. So we made the trek down there and actually found it! We went in and looked at some books and made more jokes. We left there and then went to Decatur to go and see some of Brandon’s friends at his job. After that we went up to Roswell to the Starbucks on Mansell. Sitting there for about an hour we saw lots of people from my old high school. (I LOVE saying that, my old high school!) We got in the car and neither of us wanted to end the day. So I took us to my old high school. By this time the sun was setting and it was a wonderful view from where we were. We sat on the bleachers of the baseball field and talked. It was so peaceful and amazing. AH!! I can’t wait until our next outing! YAY, finally, some goodness!

Awesome, just awesome! Life is looking up. Brandon and I went on a date today, or I guess I should say yesterday...here's what we talked about afterwards.


zack6674: Hey!
BCLOver85: i cant really see this screen sumthin funny is wrong with it....hold on...
zack6674: k
BCLOver85 signed off at 11:27:43 PM.
BCLOver85 signed on at 11:27:51 PM.
BCLOver85: ok
BCLOver85: i dunno what was up
zack6674: Everything ok?
BCLOver85: now what did u say?
zack6674: I just said hey
BCLOver85: im glad to see u made it home safely:-)
BCLOver85: oh,hehe, ok
BCLOver85: hi
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: :-D
zack6674: Yeah, I would have been here sonner, but I had to get gas and people were REALLY slow on 85.
BCLOver85: lol,aww, thats sux,i sawwy
zack6674: lol...thanks!
BCLOver85: ;-)
zack6674: I just wanted to let you know again, I had a wonderful time.
BCLOver85: so did i! i really was just about to say that!
BCLOver85: lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I've never met anyone who I had such a connection with.
BCLOver85: neither have i...its almost scary:-)
zack6674: And I really respect you for the whole kissing thing, it was cool that you wanted to wait, and not rush tihngs.
BCLOver85: thank u! and that was SOOO hard for me to do, cuz i wanted to kiss u too...
zack6674: Awwww, thanks!
BCLOver85: :-D
zack6674: Your SO cute!
zack6674: Those eyes you have are just so wonderful!
BCLOver85: thank u! so are u! but i think the signs book cleared it up that u already know it! lol
BCLOver85: omg, thank u:-[
BCLOver85: *covers eyes* lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Did your mom ask who you were with?
BCLOver85: nah...i told her earlier i was going out to lunch with a friend...
zack6674: lol, it turned to be wayy more then lunch!
BCLOver85: lol, yeah!!!
BCLOver85: she didnt care though..she was just like "ok, make sure you make it home safely"
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Yeah, when I got home my Grandmother was dead to the world, I had to wake her up and tell her I was home. She looked, mumbled something, and then turned back over.
BCLOver85: lol!
BCLOver85: yeah my mom just stayed in bed...she probably just heard me and was like ok,good,lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I got lost coming out of your subdivision!
zack6674: I was being stupid and missed a turn.
zack6674: I just kept going straight and it took me to the main street my Auto Zone.
BCLOver85: lol, oh no!
zack6674: lol
zack6674: It was cool though.
zack6674: I always find my way!
BCLOver85: well,thats good !:-D
zack6674: Yeps
zack6674: I'm just so happy that today went so well!
BCLOver85: me too, its like...YAY! lol
zack6674: You've restored my faith in human kind! There are nice people out there!
BCLOver85: hehe,well thats good! and yes there are!!!!!
zack6674: lol
zack6674: YAY!
zack6674: Nice people!
BCLOver85: lol
BCLOver85: lol
BCLOver85: yup,yup
zack6674: Yup, yup
zack6674: But yeah, next time we go somewhere, you plan, and I'll drive!
BCLOver85: lol...ok, i suppose
BCLOver85: :-P
BCLOver85: sounds like invitation to disaster if u ask me though,lol
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: :-D
zack6674: Well, we will come up with something, even if it's just sitting around watching movies somewhere.
zack6674: It will be fun regardless.
BCLOver85: yeah...so true
zack6674: Ok
zack6674: So back to the "Love" book....
zack6674: What were some of the questions you asked....
BCLOver85: lol!
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: LOL
zack6674: Come now!
zack6674: Spill!
zack6674: hehe
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: Don't give me that look!
BCLOver85: :-D
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Ok
zack6674: SOething
zack6674: *Something
zack6674: PLEASE!
BCLOver85: lol
BCLOver85: nope,nope
zack6674: What can I give, or something to make you spill?!!
BCLOver85: lol, nada
zack6674: Awwwww
zack6674: This is making me cry!
zack6674: :'(
BCLOver85: stop, dont do that:-(
zack6674: :'(
BCLOver85: lol, not gonna work,sawwy though
zack6674: awwww
zack6674: Ok, some day!
zack6674: Do you work tomorrow?
BCLOver85: yup,yup
zack6674: Oh cool
zack6674: I'll be sitting at home sleeping the whole time.
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: The CD is really good.
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: oh christina?
zack6674: Yeah
zack6674: Good stuff
BCLOver85: yeah, i told u!!!! hehe
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Oh
zack6674: My friend Ellen e-mailed me...this is what she said about tonight:
zack6674: Jon and I are good, and I'm sorry about you and your ex....but you looked pretty happy tonight!!!
zack6674: Do I normally look sad or something?
BCLOver85: lol
BCLOver85: thats cool though! that u looked happy tonight! hehe
zack6674: lol
zack6674: true
zack6674: I guess you bring out my happy side!
BCLOver85: hehe,awwww
BCLOver85: thats so sweet!:-)
zack6674: :-D
zack6674: :-*
BCLOver85: ;-)
zack6674: :-[
BCLOver85: hehe,whats wrong?
zack6674: Nohing, I was blushing from my thoughts..
BCLOver85: hehe, and what were U thinkin about?????
zack6674: Nothing
zack6674: :-X
zack6674: O:-)
BCLOver85: tell me!!!!
BCLOver85: lol
zack6674: :-P
BCLOver85: :-(
zack6674: :-zack6674: If you tell me, I'll tell you.
BCLOver85: what were u thinkin...no beatin
BCLOver85: lol
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: oh,lol! ur gooood
zack6674: BEATIN!
zack6674: hehe
BCLOver85: hehe, yeah, i was wondering if u would catch it
zack6674: OF course! I juat about always catch stuff like that, I am 17!
BCLOver85: lol,yeah
zack6674: hehe
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: Soooo, are we going to exchange info?
BCLOver85: lol, nah...im still not budging...although i REALLY wanna know what u were thinkina and all...im still not gonan letcha get me,hehe:-D
zack6674: Shucks!
BCLOver85: :-P
zack6674: Ok, I give.... for now at least.
BCLOver85: hehe, and while ur at it...go ahead and tell me what u were thinkin...
BCLOver85: :-D
zack6674: hmmm....
zack6674: Just thiniking about how great that baseball field looked!
BCLOver85: lol!!!!!!!!!
BCLOver85: lol
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: yeah, of course!
zack6674: hehe
BCLOver85: :-Ptell me now
zack6674: Why?
zack6674: hehe
BCLOver85: lol, because i wanna know
BCLOver85: :-)
zack6674: I guess...
BCLOver85: YAY!!!!!!!!!!
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I was just thinking that this eventually turns into something more and that it's something good. Ya know, it'a about time I met someone who was absolutely cool and we fit together, kinda like what the book in the store was talking about.
BCLOver85: AWWWWW!!!!
zack6674: yeah..
BCLOver85: thats so sweet!
zack6674: Thanks, just speaking my mind, I guess.
zack6674: I really like you, and I hope this works out,
zack6674: *.
BCLOver85: i like u too! and it really is sweet...and now i feel bad because u have told me and im not tellin u what i asked the darn book,lol*thinks about how he still isnt budging* lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: That's ok, if you don't want to tell, it's cool.
zack6674: I guess!
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: lol,aww, ur so sweet!
BCLOver85: :-)
zack6674: i guess
zack6674: BUT
zack6674: Am I going to find out anytime soon?
BCLOver85: hehe,yeah
BCLOver85: well maybe
zack6674: YAY!!!!!!!!!
zack6674: I got a maybe!!!!!!!!!
BCLOver85: hehe,ur so cute:-)
zack6674: I try!
zack6674: lol
BCLOver85: ;-)
zack6674: What ya doing?
BCLOver85: nuthin, chattin with tons of friends...
BCLOver85: u?
zack6674: Aren't you Mr. Popular!
zack6674: Just looking at the screen bored out of my mind.
BCLOver85: lol, im sorry
zack6674: That's cool
zack6674: Christina's making it better though.
BCLOver85: :-)cool,cool
BCLOver85: i luv that cd though....
BCLOver85: and im sleepy now,lol
zack6674: Yeah, I'm listening to number 19, "I'm Ok." Very good song, I feel like I'm going to start crying in a bit.
zack6674: Yeah, me too
zack6674: I think I'll sleep in a bi t
zack6674: *bit
BCLOver85: lol
BCLOver85: coolness
zack6674: YAY
zack6674: Coolness
BCLOver85: :-D
zack6674: What's your e-mail address?
BCLOver85: wilaboy@hotmail.com
zack6674: Thanks
BCLOver85: ;-)
zack6674: I'll probably send you an e-mail tomorrow. Please don'tbe sacred if it's really random, I'll probablt be super bored by that time, so it will be kind of random...
zack6674: and don't be afraid if you have numerous e-mails also, I've been known to send lot's of e-mails to the same person when I'm bored.
zack6674: Is that cool?
zack6674: If not, then I understand.
BCLOver85: hehe ok, would love to get one
BCLOver85: or lots,lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Ok, cool!
BCLOver85: :-D
BCLOver85: but now? i go to bed,lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: aww
zack6674: sad times
BCLOver85: :-(
zack6674: Your going to bed????



zack6674: :'(
BCLOver85: i will miss yaz...
BCLOver85: yeah
zack6674: Me too....
zack6674: Awww
zack6674: Well...I'm also going to miss ya...
BCLOver85: night night miguel:-)
zack6674: Goodnight...sweet dreams!
BCLOver85: hehe, u too!;-)night
BCLOver85 signed off at 12:55:20 AM.

Things are looking up. For once, it seems that everything is coming together to make for a great couple of weeks.

First, I’m going to college. I think anyone who is leaving for school next month for the first time and attest to the happiness and just pure elation that the thought of college brings. Ah! I can’t wait.

Second, my 18th birthday is next month (August 22nd, 2003!), what else can I say, I turn 18!

Thirdly, I’ve met a wonderful person, his name is Brandon. Last night we talked on the phone for first time. We started talking at 11 something at night, and didn’t get off the phone until about 2:30 A.M. During those hours we talked about everything. We found out we had A LOT in common. When I say we have a lot in common, I really mean we share SO many interests it makes you want to starch your head. We both are BIG Bert Show fans (Q100!), HUGE, I mean HUGE Buffy and Angel fans, big Real World Fans, big Jason Mraz and Maroon 5 fans…. So much. It’s so cool. And he just seems like a really cool person who isn’t caught up with something weird or whatever. He seems like a cool down-to-earth person. I’m SO excited about this. I think this will be a long friendship, and somewhere down the road a great relationship. I don’t want to rush anything, I want it to all happen organically.

Fourthly, my job is wonderful. All the people I work with are just so nice and intelligent. It’s been very cool getting to know all these new people. Finding out about their life stories and opinions has been really interesting. We have all grown really close.

And finally, I might be purchasing a car really soon. A gentleman at my church who owns a car dealership has offered me a 2001 car for only $3,500. Today at church I gave letters out to people who I thought who might be able to help me out. I think I may get the money to purchase the car. I hope I get it!

So life looks pretty good right now. I have my usual rough patches, but everything seems to be coming together nicely! YAY! Let’s just hope life continues to be this good.

Life's a bitch. I think we should remember that. When something bad happen to you, remember that life is a bitch. It seems like there's so much unhappiness in the world, and so many mad people who spread there bad seeds to the rest of us. I don't know where I was going with this, but any who, I stayed the night at Jon's house last night. It was kind of a guy’s night out; it was me, Jon, and Brian. Hayden came over for a bit, so did Jenifer and Ben. I was talking to Brandon and Luther while they watched this stupid movie. Brandon and I had a really good convo. He's a really cool person and I think something may happen there, but I don't want to rush it. I feel so sorry for Luther; I was talking to him and asked if he wanted to go to the movies. I meant it as a friend; Brian and Jon thought that I should make it clear that I wasn’t asking him out. I was just like whatever. So Brian started typing in some stuff to him about how it's only a platonic relationship that I'm looking for with him. I just want to be his friend. That was fine, but then Jon had to jump in. He typed in something like, "He doesn't want your ball, or something." I was so pissed off by that. Now this kid thinks I'm so perv or something, and I have to see him at work. I was so mad. But I guess shit happens. Well, today I'm supposed to hang out with Ben for a bit and then go shopping with Jenifer. That will be fun.

Awesome! (Life has gotten really boring for me, I've been reduced to taking these quizzes at one something in the morning, and I have to be up at like 5:30 A.M. YIKES!) HAHA, I said Yikes! Yeah, it's time to go to bed.


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YAY! SOmething good for once!


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Hey all! Look at what I got! It's so cool. *Only a few who see this will understand this coolness factor.* lol


Which HP Kid Are You?

Parents. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. I don’t understand my mother. She’s 45 years old, but though she acts as if she’s 18. There’s not one situation in particular that I can think to write about, it’s more of a lifetime of events. But I can say that since she hasn’t been there a lot of times, I have become very independent. Applying to college, getting finical aid, getting a dorm, EVERYTHING, that has to do with college, I did it myself. Most (not everyone, I’m not generalizing) students who went to my high school had their parents handle everything for them. I did it all myself, I’m not bragging, but it makes me feel really independent. When it comes to having to buy supplies, towels, whatever for school, I have to get it all myself. It’s not that my mom won’t buy the materials, it’s just that, well, she can’t. She doesn’t have a job, so she can't afford to buy things for me. But she, I hadn’t really thought about all this before, I knew she couldn’t buy anything for me; it’s not until I was talking to my friend Brian, that it this whole issue was brought to the forefront of my mind. I was explaining to Brian how I had just opened up my checking account, got my checks, and had went to the grocery store to purchase some food items. He was appalled; he couldn’t believe that I had to buy my own food. He thought that I should be saving my money for school; I totally agree with him, but if I have to buy food, then I have to buy food. I don’t like to ask my Grandmother for money because she’s going through financial problems herself. But I understand and see the point he was trying to make. I felt sorry for myself for a bit, but you what? You can’t do that in life. If were to all sit around and moan and complain about things that have been done to us, then most of the world would stop and nothing would happen. I’m just frustrated that I have to go through all this. I just have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason …

Life is ok. I mean, doors still keep closing in my face, but you know what, it's not the end of the world. You take each day and try to make it better. Each day may suck, but when you wake up, you start over, and make it damn good! I don't care what people say or don't say to me. I want to be happy damnit! You know what, I don't need anyone! Yeah right, by tomorrow I'll be screaming about how I want someone. I can never make up my mind. I really should go to bed and get a life, it's 3:14 and I'm still on the net! LOSER! But so what if I'm a loser, at least I do it in style. Ok, now I'm just talking stupid. Ok, so I'm going to bed and I'm going to think about the future how fun it's going to be. My big house, my Jetta, my job, my dog, my carpet, my bed .....

This is how much life sucks..... (Read the entry before this to get the backgroud story...this is how sad my life is.....or rather this is how it all played out.) I'm feeling really worthless right now...

zack6674: Checkers?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: of course
zack6674: Took you long enough to answer.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: my bad
zack6674: That's cool.
zack6674: So how was work
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: it was alright
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i did that thing you usually do
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: with the typing stuff
zack6674: What, for Yolanda, or the stuff at the customer service desk?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: for yolanda
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: me and kelli
zack6674: How fun!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i know
zack6674: lol
zack6674: So what have you been up to since you got home from work?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nothing really
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: im too tired to do anything
zack6674: Work tired you out that much?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: not really
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i just don't feel like doing anything
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well i might later
zack6674: cool
zack6674: But yeah, I didn't figure you as the sit at home type.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sometimes i am but others you know i just let it loose
zack6674: So how exactly do you let it "loose"?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i just..... do what i please
zack6674: Ok
zack6674: And what is that...?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know how to explain it
zack6674: Your pretty good with the words, I'm sure you could explain it.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: naww this one is a bit difficult.
zack6674: Hmmm
zack6674: Can you describe it?
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol im thinkin
zack6674: Ok....i guess
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i came up with nothing
zack6674: Hmmmm
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ......
zack6674: I think you can put it into words, but for some reason you don't want to.
zack6674: Am I right?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Ok, so what does it invlove?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: me
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Well I figured that much..
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you did?
zack6674: Yep
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: good job
zack6674: Thank you.
zack6674: Can I try to guess?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sure
zack6674: Ok...
zack6674: Um, does it involve other people?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: sometimes
zack6674: Hmm...
zack6674: Does this take place at your house, or somewhere else?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: it depends on where the party is
zack6674: What kind of parties are these?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: wild ones
zack6674: Ok Luther, just go ahead and tell me ....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just getting drunk and stuff
zack6674: I see
zack6674: And this was the really hard thing to explain?
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol maybe
zack6674: You like this don't you?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nope
zack6674: Maybe? What kind of an answer is that.
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I've never been to a party like that before.
zack6674: I've always stayed away, but I think I would want to try, just once to see what they are like.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: why
zack6674: Cause I just want to see what the hype is for, and just to see what I would be like, drunk.
zack6674: I guess.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: but you never did it?
zack6674: Nope
zack6674: I've always been the good little kid, I just want to try it to see.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you should
zack6674: Yeah
zack6674: So I see you like Ms. Carey?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol yes i do
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: she pretty fine
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i would like to sex her
zack6674: Would you really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yep
zack6674: Well that sounds like fun
zack6674: I guess
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i bet it would be
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you wouldnt like to?
zack6674: Not my type
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: if shes not your type then who is
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ?
zack6674: Um...
zack6674: Well.... It's not exactly of the female persusaion
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: As I'm sure you had already guessed.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
zack6674: Your not like going to block me from your list now are you?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: that wouldnt be nice now would it
zack6674: Very true
zack6674: Good boy
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol thank you
zack6674: lol
zack6674: No problem
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you're so nice
zack6674: Well thank you, I try to be.
zack6674: It's my life's mission ya know, to bring love and peace to the entire world ....
zack6674: or not
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol through the radio right
zack6674: Exactly!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ill listen to you when you make
zack6674: You are a good listener, you'll make some girl happy one day.
zack6674: Will you really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes i would
zack6674: Yay! I have one listener now!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you have to be interesting though
zack6674: I would be
zack6674: I have a very interesting life story, and a whole lot of bad jokes to fill the radio with.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well bad jokes might not be a good idea
zack6674: See but here's the beauty, there bad when you hear them, but when you think about it, there actually funny...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: right.....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i bet they are
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Yeah, I was going no where with that
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what are you doin
zack6674: Writing in my online journal.
zack6674: u?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: checkers
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: are you writing in your journal about me
zack6674: Do you really want to know?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes
zack6674: I guess
zack6674: I probably shouldn't tell you, you would block me and not talk to me at work.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: well maybe you shouldn't
zack6674: After I finish writing, I'll send you a link, it's not that bad.
zack6674: It will kind of explain things better
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: huh
zack6674: never mind, just talking
zack6674: or writing
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
zack6674: But really, I'm not this werid... you just got me on a funky night
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: so how are you really
zack6674: Um, not goofy (excpet when I have a Coke), I have different sides, sometimes I like to talk politics, social issues, religion, sexuality, and sometimes I just like to sit around and joke and talk about people.
zack6674: j/k
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: all of that sounds cool
zack6674: Thanks
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you're welcome
zack6674: =)
zack6674: So what do you usually do on the weekends?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just hang out with friends or nothing
zack6674: cool
zack6674: So what do you all do, just hang out?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya just party and hang out
zack6674: So how's the love life been for you this summer? Any girls in the picture?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: occasionally
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: its alright
zack6674: No long term relationships? Just little flings?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: flings? lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i guess so
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Wait, maybe I should say... hookups?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya thats better
zack6674: Are they people from your school?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: not all the time
zack6674: Where do you meet them from?
zack6674: Sorry, am I being to nosey?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know. just wherever
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no its cool
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont go looking for them
zack6674: Good point.
zack6674: Have you been in a long term relationship before?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no
zack6674: Why?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just cuz it never works
zack6674: I see
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya
zack6674: Oh, so, you would like it to work, but it just doesn't, or, you just don't want it to work. (like most guys)
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: little of both
zack6674: I see, I see.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: lol, I told you I ask a lot of questions.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya i see, i see
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I'm curious...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: howcome
zack6674: Because I am
zack6674: What ya doing?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just playing checkers
zack6674: Wow, you really do like that game.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: yes lol
zack6674: Ok, one thing you will learn about me is this, i do and say certain things that I shouldn't, but I like to be competely honest, it's always best that way.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: thats good
zack6674: So, I'm going to give you the link to my online journal, read the least entry, it wille xplain somethings, I'm not making you read it to say anything about you, it's just to get it off my chest so I can move on, and one day we can laugh about it.
zack6674: k?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: Don't be scared
zack6674: lol
zack6674: http://zack6677.blogspot.com
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Well maybe you should
zack6674: Tell me what you think when you read it.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i havent gotten there yet
zack6674: O

zack6674: Have you yet?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: nope
zack6674: grr
zack6674: Why?
zack6674: ....
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok im going right now
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: how do i get there
zack6674: lol
zack6674: I mad him mad!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok nvm
zack6674: Wait
zack6674: http://zack6677.blogspot.com
zack6674: click
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: where am i reading
zack6674: The first entry
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok i read
zack6674: And...
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: interesting
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i really don't know what to say
zack6674: Well, just know that I now know where you stand, you don't have to worry, I just want laugh about it now.
zack6674: I just had to get it off my chest, it would eaten me alive,.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok lol
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: its ok
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE:
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: Thanks for being so understanding.
zack6674: So...
zack6674: How about them Braves
zack6674: ?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i dont know about them
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: they are doing good this year
zack6674: Really?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ya
zack6674: Cool
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: what have you done all night
zack6674: My friend was talking me through this thing with you all night, then I wrote in my journal, then I checked my online banking crap, then I got ready for bed.
zack6674: U?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: just checkers
zack6674: lol
zack6674: How can you play that one game for like four hours
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: thats what my mom ask
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i really don't know
zack6674: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: You have got to find something to do with your time.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: like....
zack6674: Getting drunk, teaching Miguel how to drink, becoming a Hoe on Peachtree Street, learning your ABC's, becoming a dentist...
zack6674: the list goes on and on.
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: i guess so
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: but for now its checkers
zack6674: lol
zack6674: Go Luther!
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: lol
zack6674: What are you doing tomorrow?
zack6674: Wellllll, I have to be up early, and your interst in the convo, I guess I shall talk to you later.
zack6674: Now, when we go to work, there won't be any weirdness, will there?
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: ok goodnight
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: no im cool
zack6674: Ok Good
zack6674: Well, have a goodnight
TeRRiBLeNoVicE: you too

Well, of course once again I found out that life sucks! Am I ever going to find someone who is that special, intelligent, nice looking, caring, and funny person?! It just seems like there's one dead end after the other. I always misjudge people. I thought I was good at reading people, but I guess not. So, there’s someone at work. They had been giving me the eye, or what I thought was the eye. I had been flirting with them big time, I mean, I was laying it on thick. A touch here, some suggestive comments there. I had to hold back sometimes. I just KNEW it was being reciprocated! Well, I was big time wrong. Today I didn’t have to work, but it was payday. So I went to the B& N to pick up my check. As I was walking out the door, they called to me and I went over to talk. To make a long story short, by the end of the convo, we had exchanged e-mails and screen names. I thought I was doing something! I walked out of the store with a little pip in my step, I just knew I was on the road to something, and it wasn’t even something on the Internet! I spent the day with my cousin; she works for the local ABC channel. She was just showing me around showing me how the business works. But during the whole time I was there, I just kept thinking about going home and talking to him. Well, that time finally came; I got home, raced inside, got on the net, and put his screen name on my buddy list to see if he was on. He was, I gasped. I didn’t know if I should message him first or wait. Of course I couldn’t wait so I had to message him. We talked, I thought he was flirting (keyword: thought); we talked some more, joked. But as the convo went on, it became painfully obvious that this person didn’t play for the same ball team as me. So, to make it short, he isn’t, I lost, once again, life sucks, and I hate you all! Goodnight! =)

Today was so fun. I went to South Georgia College for the first time. It's small, but it's nice. Everyone there is super friendly and helpful, I think I will like there. Here's my schedule:
1) Information Systems Technology: (8:00 AM - 8:50AM) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
2) American Government: (11:00AM - 12:15AM) Tuesday and Thursday
3) Composition I: (11:00 AM - 11:50 AM) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
4) Humanities: (2:00PM - 3:15 P.M.) Monday, and Wednesday
5) Math 0097 (9:00 AM - 9:50 AM) ( Because my high school screwed me over, Thanks!): Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
Most of them are in the morning so I'm really excited! Yay, I can't wait to get down there!

It seems as if every time I start to have a little faith in human kind, something happens to SMASH it and I then think again that every one is going to hell, expect for me, a few others of course! j/k lol I came to this thought process as I was looking through XY (gay teen site) and I ran across this profile, I was like ok, this is cool. They had a link to their site, so I went there. There profile on the site was cool, it said they were from Georgia, went to Cornell... when he said he went to Cornell I thought, oh yeah, this person MUST be cool, if Ryan is going to that school, they must have morals and values, blah, blah. BOY was I wrong. As I read their entries it came apparent to little ole innocent me, that this person did drugs of some kind, had sex with people they called their tricks, and so on. Sometimes I feel like a complete stranger everywhere I go. It's like, I'm not pretty enough to be with gay crowd, I'm not black enough to hang with the blacks, I'm too poor to hang out with the whites ... ugh! But I'm not going to go into a Woe is me entry. But that's just how I feel.

Tomorrow I'm going to South Georgia for the first time. I sure do hope I like, seeing as how I'm going to spending two years there, I hope it's the best damn place I can be. It's going to take us fours to get there so were leaving at like 8:30, when I say we, I mean my Grandmother and her friend .... this leads me to another subject, some of you who read this, which I doubt there is, but let's just assume one of my friends from school read this. They would probably ask themselves ... "Hmmm, I wonder why Miguel's mother isn't going with him to visit the college he will be attending?" I'm glad you asked that, you want to know the answer ... BECASUE SHE IS IRERESPONSIBLE AND SHE NEEDS TO GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh My Freakin goodness, whenever I ask her for something, she acts like I'm fifty years old without a job begging for money. I'M STILL 17!!! THAT MEANS THAT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE AND CARE FOR ME, RIGHT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? Oh, Oh, and it just pisses me off when were together and she's like, "I can't wait for you to be famous so I can quit working and you can buy me a house." Ok, when was the last time she had job, when was the last time she was ACTUALLY looking for a job? Yeah, um hm, that's right, not in a damn long time! And...... I'm spent! (Not really, my fingers just hurt from banging the damn keyboard.)

Goodnight, and God Bless!

Well, I'm not as mad as before, I'm doing a lot better. I just hate that it's sooo hot. Well one thing that's getting on my nerves is my Mother, I swear she can make me mad like no other! It's like she has no understanding of how her choices will effect me. Err! BUT, back on to other things. For once today I was feeling a bit vain, so I asked my very good looking friend Jon to HONESTLY tell me what he thought about my looks. It was honest, but good honest:

zack6674: Can I ask you a question?
zack6674: I want you to be COMPLETELY honest with me.
Johnnydanger09: i'm scared
Johnnydanger09: you never ask if you can ask something
zack6674: You should be.
zack6674: lol
Johnnydanger09: this must be bad
zack6674: True
zack6674: Not really
Johnnydanger09: shoot
zack6674: But you have to be honest, and you know I'll know if your lying.
Johnnydanger09: go ahead
Johnnydanger09: i will be bluntly honest
zack6674: On a scale from 1 - 10, 1 being lowest, 10 being highest, where would you rank me, and why? (It's a really superfical question, but I want some honesty.)
Johnnydanger09: 7 or 8
Johnnydanger09: you're intelligent
Johnnydanger09: you work hard
Johnnydanger09: you have a future
Johnnydanger09: which is more than a lot can say
zack6674: Very true
zack6674: Thanks
zack6674: =)
zack6674: :-D
zack6674: Are you really typing something?
zack6674: That's what the thing says.
Johnnydanger09: i don't find you all that atractive
Johnnydanger09: but i'm sure someone else does
Johnnydanger09: but you can worry a lot
Johnnydanger09: and sometimes you're a little high strung
Johnnydanger09: was that too honest?
Johnnydanger09: hello?
Johnnydanger09: miguel?
Johnnydanger09: are you in shock?
zack6674: No, your respones didn't go thorugh until now.
zack6674: I'm not in shock, I agree with you.
zack6674: It makes sense

I agree, like I said above. Everyone needs a little reality. Let's see, what else do I have going on? Thursday I go to my College to take some placement exams and look at the dorms. I'm really excited about that. I've been talking to some people from my old high school (I love saying that! Old High School) andddd, two people have gotten engaged. it's only been like four weeks since graduation, well more power to them! Well, it's late and I have work, I LOVE working at 'Barnes & Noble'! See-ya

One more note.... I hate people ... to be more specific ... I hate BOYS! Not men ... boys! Ugh!

**PLEASE BE ADVISIED: Miguel is in one of his bitching moods, so be advised that there will be lot’s of complaining, bitching, and possibly gossiping; you have been warned!**


Stupor, I was trying to look up the meaning of this word in the dictionary, but of course it wasn’t there. But I think we all know what being a stupor means. I feel like I’m in one now. I have so many things (for lack of a better word) to be thankful for. I have a job, I’m going to college (it’s all paid for!), I’m healthy, and I have my family. But of course, I’m not happy. I think it’s a few things. One major issue is boys. I’m tired of them and what one has to do in order to get one. Sometimes I feel as if I truly dislike gay people, or just people in general. It seems like no one is interested in me. I don’t want to make it a racial thing, because it’s not, but I’m mainly attracted to white guys, but are they attracted to black guys, of course not. There not racists by any means, they just aren’t attracted. So one could see how that could be a little frustrating at times. Sometimes I just feel like a little dork. On these stupid little gay teen websites I e-mail people’s profiles and I never get a response. I don’t know if it’s just me being overly sensitive, or … I don’t know, it just pisses me off. Oh yeah, I don’t think I’ve added this in here, but I broke up with Michael two weeks ago, so I’m single again. Yay. Or not. Let’s see, what else is pissing me off? You know what? I don’t think it’s one person, I think I’m going through a bitter stage. I’ve been in three doomed relationships and it doesn’t look like one is coming my way any time soon. I’m probably looking too hard. Here’s my little envy story of the day. There’s this guy at my church who I have been in Love with since I was like, three. Over the years he has become increasingly hott. I mean, I can barley look at him in church because I know some dirty little thought will cross my mind. Well, the story thickens. I have always felt this vibe from him, it’s tiny if not no existent, but I know SOMETHING is there. There have been countless times where he let his leg brush up and stay against my leg, his hand just happened to snake it’s way to my leg or something. But to the story, so today I went to see him so he could do something with my nasty facial hair (he’s very good at cutting hair). I walk in, and he’s wearing a wife beater (mmmmm), gym shorts that are halfway down in delicious butt. I was a tad distracted while we were talking. So he’s cutting or doing something to my facial hair, since my hair has gotten longer I have to hold my hair out of my face when I shave, so I was holding my hair with my hands, he put his hand on my hand. Oh My Goodness. It get’s better, he’s outlining my hair line so he has to stand up all the way, I got a FULL view of him! I just wanted to start licking! But I digress. The quality I like about him is that he can talk to anyone. He goes to a VERY urban school, he’s rather urban himself, but when we talks to me, he speaks proper English and I can understand him. I was supposed to let him do my facial hair and leave, I ended up staying and talking to him for two hours. By the end of the two hours I just wanted to JUMP on him. I was trying to hint at the fact that I was gay, but he would duck the hints and bring up another topic. One day …

I’m very excited and happy. I got the job at Barnes & Noble! YAY for me. Let’s see, oh yeah. Michael and I had a big talk today. We, or I guess I should say I was really close to ending it between us. There are just a lot of barriers that Michael and I have to go through to do anything together. I decided to stay together and in August, check to see where we are, and go from there. I’ll try to write more on this at a later date, it’s just really late and I don’t feel like trying to explain everything. Oh yeah, I’ve been talking to Mike; he’s a cool person who I think I could learn a lot from. At first I thought I might be attracted to him, I got a little worried, but I think the age difference (he’s 27) will keep me away, and the fact that I’m dating Michael! Tomorrow, or I should say, today, I’m going to a play with Jon and Brian. This should be fun.

Jealousy is not a word that is often used in my vocabulary, but tonight I felt the “green eyed” monster creep up into my mind. Michael and I are talking on the phone, it’s 10:40 P.M., and he gets a call on the phone and clicks over. It takes him about three or five minutes to click over. He informs me that it’s his very “queenly” friend Eddie—who, I might add just moved in down the street. Michael has always swayed back and forth on what he thought of Eddie, sometimes he would think he was a queenly fag, sometimes a slut, sometimes a good new friend. I was always ok with this, well until he told me that Eddie moved three houses down from him. Ok, I can handle that; I’m a mature person who can express what there feeling. Yeah right. So back to tonight, he tells me that Eddie is on the phone. Michael says something to the effect of, “Sorry it’s taking so long, you know how it is when two queens get on the phone together.” I can feel something brewing up inside of me, so course, and the passive aggressive Miguel just says, “Ok.” He clicks back over, three heartbreaking minutes later; he clicks back over and asks me what his work number is. Michael doesn’t say why he wants it, but I assume it’s so he can give it to Eddie. Ok, so now I know what that burning sensation in my stomach is, jealousy. I think this is why it’s hard for me to get close to people and reveal my true, innermost thoughts and feelings. I’m easily hurt. I have low self-esteem. I don’t like the way I look, I don’t think I’m smart, I think I’m fat, I just don’t see why any one would want me for anything, so when I find someone to has the least bit of interest, I pounce, and when they show friendly feelings to someone else, I get upset. Maybe I do have some strange emotional problems from my childhood. I don’t know. I just feel so worthless right now, and to have Michael get “closer” to this Eddie kid breaks my heart. I’m starting to think more and more about Michael, and that’s dangerous for me. I know that it’s not good for me to get to attached to some one, they usually lose interest or find someone better and I’m left to fend for myself. That’s what I feel like right now. Last Friday (May 23rd, 2003) was like the pinnacle of my high school or even teenage life. And now I’m stuck in this house, with no job, no money, no car, and no idea where I’m going to college next year. I could just sit here and bitch and moan about how they fucked me over, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere either. I want to give my usual motivational speech to myself and make myself get off my ass and get applying to jobs and start figuring out this SAT crap. But you know what, I’ve been screwed, as much success as I had in high school, I was screwed even harder. DAMNIT! When I think about it more it just pisses me off. This should be the best damn summer of my life, but no, I’m going to be here worrying about school next year. If I do get in, I then have to worry about where I’m going to buy stuff for college. When is life ever going to cut me break. When am I ever going to just be happy? Is there always something to worry about? Worrying, I’m so sick of that damn word. AHHH!!!

Wow, it’s amazing what television can do to a person. I just finished watching a special on Buffy and the final episode of “Dawson’s Creek.” I know this sounds stupid, but these two shows have defined my life for the past six years, and now their over. One thing I learned from the shows, seize the day. Things may not always go as planned, but you have to make every moment of the day as if it were your last. That saying is used a lot, but I think I truly understand the phrase. If things don’t work out the SAT situation, then I’ll go a different route. I won’t worry about it. If there’s something that I’m feeling, I need to get it off my chest. There should never be, “I need to wait for the right time.” It should be now or never. Now or never. That’s a hard phrase to live by, but we should. We never know when out time will be done. In the last episode of “Dawson’s Creek,” Jen died. I don’t know what it did to me, but it put me in this thought process of living life to the fullest. I don’t want to have any regrets, I don’t want to look back on my life and see wasted opportunities. I don’t know. This is just the little thoughts that were running through my mind.

It’s Sunday night and I’m sitting here trying to clean my room and get ready for another busy week

I’m sacred. Graduation is two weeks away and I still don’t know where I’m going to school next year. There’s so much pressure on me to do something and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Every one expects me to go to some big nice school, but in reality I’m going to go to a little two-year school. On graduation day when all of my family comes there going to be asking me what school I’m going to next year and there all going to be looking at me crazy when I tell them I don’t know and then there all going to want to give me advice on how to handle the situation. I don’t want to take the SAT’s again; I don’t feel like cramming for them in new weeks. I’m just disgusted with the whole situation. It’s making me angry. Right now, I think I have two options. Either I can take the SAT’s again and try to get into South Georgia College or Middle Georgia College, or I can attend Floyd College in Rome, Georgia. They would accept me no matter what, but the only thing about that school is that they don’t have any housing so I would have to get an apartment and I don’t have ANY money for that. Well unless I try to find some roommates or something. I’m not sure. Sorry for going on about this but it’s really getting to me now.

Prom was yesterday. That was very interesting. I went with Joel. So yes, two guys went to Prom together. It was fun. A lot of people didn’t act surprised, but we got a few stares from people when we were slow dancing. People would do double takes, stare, and then whisper. It didn’t bother me to too much. When we went to get out pictures taken the lady didn’t know how to place us, it was so funny. She just kind of had us stand next to each other. It was funny. After Prom we all (All means: Jon, Jenifer, Brian, Natalie, Joel, and Me.) went to Jon’s house and watched some movies. I had wayyyyy to many Oreos! My stomach was hurting after I finished eating like 20 cookies. But it was cool. So all in all it was a good night. I hope this week is a good one!

I think the one of my main goals of high school has been to be part of the “in crowd.” And by writing “in crowd,” I don’t mean the jock football players, I just mean the people who have fun, hang out, and just live life. I believe that has been one of the major reasons why I have done so many activities in high school, so I could live the “perfect” high school life. For this past year I have stayed at my friend’s Ryan’s house every Monday this whole year for student council meetings. It’s been very interesting being apart of his family and getting to know them and picking up their habits and traits. I would say that Ryan is farley popular at our school, we both are. But there are several key facts that separate us. One of these facts became very apparent to me this afternoon. When we got home from school he informed that we were going to play ultimate Frisbee, in the rain, with some of his friends. I was a little hesitant at first, but then I aggressed to go. The people who were there were all the people that you talk about in high school. The jocks, the brains, and all sorts of high cliques. As we got into our game of ultimate Frisbee, it became very apparent to me that even though everyone knows who I am, they don’t consider me one there own. When we were playing, everyone was joking and laughing with each other, tossing the Frisbee to each other, but not to me. Now don’t get me wrong, they were being assholes about it, I just think that since I’m not one of “them” they don’t really know how to interact with me. (I think that’s the right word?) Another point that I’m not one of them. Ryan has gotten several graduation party invites from seniors at school. Want to know how many I have received? One … from Ryan. Well now my whole little pissed off mood has kind of been changed. As I was writing this Ryan’s mom walked into the computer room and just told me that I was miracle and that I am very well respected at school and that I show very high signs of maturity. She’s referring to the whole thing about my mom, about how she was raped and how I was conceived from that. I sometimes wonder why I was put here on earth. Why do I have this thought process, why do I look the way I do, why do I talk the way I do, why do I feel the way I do, why do I believe the way I do? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, I may never know. All I can do is just hope that one day I will truly, truly be happy with the person I am and live life to the fullest.

The year is almost over. Not much more to go. But for me, these are going to be three busy weeks. While all the other seniors at my school are enjoying the next few weeks, I will be working my ass off on an assortment of projects and such. I just finished putting together the Video Yearbook today. I’m the Executive Producer of it; it has definitely been a challenging time putting that together. I can’t wait until they come back from the company where we get them copied. On Monday we get the yearbooks. Were very excited to see the yearbooks finally come in. We have to sort them all out, and then all of the seniors get there on Thursday at the senior picnic. I hope and pray that the senior picnic goes off with a hitch Thursday. It’s been raining a lot lately and I sure hope it doesn’t rain then! Michael and I are fine. We had a big talk about a week ago. It was almost over, but we talked it out and now were fine. I’m also very excited about Graduation, well of course for the obvious reasons, and also because I was picked to make a speech at graduation! I was so happy about that!! Yay for me.

I just wrote, “It’s been a fun few weeks.” HA! That’s a joke. Last week wasn’t the best for me. Well I don’t think it was the best for anyone. It was the week that we got back from Spring Break so we were all kind of dazed the whole week. I was feeling fin until about 50 seconds ago. I’m at my friend’s house tonight. Were both going to try out for Graduation Speeches next week. He just read his to me, Oh My Goodness. His is so good. It makes mine look like a piece of dog crap, which it is. But thankfully were trying out for different speeches. (Sigh of relief) Let’s see….. This past Saturday was SO much fun. I got to see Michael! It was so fun. Jenifer and Jon took me to see him. The four of us went to “Friday’s” and had some dinner. We then drove around for a while, while Michael and I got, um, to know each other a little better. It was fun. He is so cute and fun. After that I spent the night at Jon’s house. He was all sad and we ended up talking until 3 in the morning. He had to be up at 7 for church, I felt sorry for him! I also got my tux for prom. How fun. Ok, now that I’ve looked at Ryan’s writing again, it just reminds me of how bad I am. This sucks! Now I don’t want to be a writer. Ugh. Any who, there’s only 23 days of school left! YAY! Maybe I an ok writer, I just have to develop the talent. Blah. Well now that my night has been ruined, I will see you all later!

It’s really funny. Whenever it gets late I always get into one of those reflective moods about life and everything. I don’t have on particular thought or anything, I’m just thinking about everything at once. You know, in thirty school days one part of my life will be over. I will be a graduate of high school. That freaks the living hell out of me, but then it comforts me to know that I can actually make it through hell. I’ve gotten some battle scars, but I pretty much made it through. It sucks, I have this great boyfriend, but we never get to see each other. It will be two months on the 27th of April that we have been together but we have only seen each other one time. It sucks a lot. I just hope that this is meant to be. I’m scared for college. Everyone knows what he or she is doing next year, and I still don’t. It just makes me so angry that I have to go through all this extra crap to get what I want. But isn’t that how it usually works, the people who want it really bad are the people who have to wait and go through so much to get what they want. But then again I think it makes you a better person. You know how to work for what you want. I feel like there’s something that’s on my mind, but I don’t know what. Does everyone feel like this? Does everyone have this nagging feeling like there’s something wrong? I don’t know, that’s how I feel a lot of times, like there’s something wrong, like I should be in some sort of emotional pain. I hate this feeling, ugh, I’m supposed to be happy, but I feel as though I’m not. I guess I’ll go to sleep, I’ll feel better when I wake up. The next few weeks are going to be crazy. So much to do in so little time and then it will all be over. Can’t wait.

So it's been a while since I written in this. I've been super busy. But it's Spring Break this week, YAY, and I'm at work. I never imagined my senior year Spring Break to turn out like this, but hey, at least I'm making some money. I just wrote something, I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to write it. I don't know what to do with it. Tell me what you think.

It has been a pleasure to attend Roswell High School for the past four years, even attending Crabapple Middle School was, a, um, pleasure. I know no one wants to hear any advice from me, but I like to say a few departing words to Roswell High School before I leave.
First, I would like to say thank you to the faculty and students of Roswell High School. Over the past four years I have gained friendships that I will keep for the rest of my life. I have seen students and teachers act selfless when it came to helping someone out who was in need. It just amazed me sometime to see how some Roswell students would come together to help someone out. Even though I am anxious to leave Roswell, I will miss it (only a little) when I'm gone. I think we all will.
Before I leave dear old Roswell, I would like to impart of some wisdom for the future classes. I think everyone should be a bit more tolerant. I pride myself on being the person who is most open minded. But as I reached the end of this year, I was having a conversation with a football player and I jokingly asked him if he was coming to a play production the drama class was putting on that evening. He said no, and I responded by saying, 'figures." He gave me this look that said, "Why are you stereotyping me?" When I had a chance to think about it in depth, I noticed that it was true. I was stereotyping him, I wasn't as open minded as I thought. I have made it a point not to go to any Roswell High School sporting events. My reasoning was always, "If they (athletes) don't come to chorus and drama events, why I should go to theirs?" Looking back on this, I see how flawed my thought process was. We should experience something that isn't the norm for us. If you’re an art person and never been to a sporting event, go to one, you just might like. If you’re a top basketball player and have never been to a chorus concert, take a night out of the month and go to see it. You just might like it. We have to open up our minds and be willing to try new things. I wish I had done that.
With that said, thank you Roswell for four very interesting years.